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Parent's can be restrictive sometimes. I love them, but right now...ugh. I tried to leave the house tonight so that I could drop off some food at the hang-out house...JO and EW's place at around 10p...but 'no, you can't go'. Argh!

Eh, and this whole curfew thing technically being at 10h30pm is really killing me. I get a call or I have to call at around 10h30 asking when I'll be home. Then, of course, they don't treat me as even a young adult.

Point of understanding
My brother did just have an accident, but still. I'm not him, and he's not me.

We're two different people.

I have had time to mature and know (better) my limits. Or at least I'm pretty sure I know them better. I don't drink and drive, I have only taken 1 or 2 drinks ever. I'm not ever going to smoke anything (cigettes, cigs, or a joint). I'm usually a calm person, or at least calm enough and probalby calmer than my brother is.

It doesn't add up.

Plus the fact that I'm 19...and have for the last 9 months, successfully not killed myself living in the dorms. (Barring the whole Soka is such a protected environment argument).

Eh, I'm just kind of frustrated...I'm the first child and I'm not used to being this confined. Even when I was in school...I didn't get such strict restrictions. I mean, my curfew was basically 12p for the summer. I liked that. I probably abused that deadline too much, but my parents worry too much. It's not like I'm going to end up drunk and trying to drive home. I'm probably the straightest shooter out there (except for the whole other 'straight' thing).

Argh! It's a frustrated "argh!" and not a fuck-the-world "argh!" And what's worse is this is the kind of "argh!" that is slowly built up. Rather than a swell. It's worse to have it build-up.

Going to go look at a car tonight...a Nissan Altima (1999?). Hopefully I'll be getting a car. Hope for the best!

LIST!
Movies to watch/rent:
-Red Dirt
-All over the guy.

Ok, so per usual. My moments of insanity have passed and I have once again proven that I'm insane. There you go, the score is now: Insanity - 1202, Sanity - 1.

So, what is this in reference to? Ah yes, the whole N thing from FH a couple of blog-times ago. I'm just insane, you can admit it, I can admit it. I just tend to latch onto an idea and run with it, before logically thinking out what I'm latching on to (or whether it makes sense/is logical). Welcome to my world.

I guess I have proven myself wrong in so many of those overly-self-conscious moments, that I really just should ignore deep-panicked moments feeling insecure, my fear of being alone. Maybe, maybe, maybe.

Today, though I got to play Field Hockey without abandon. The D, as in Defense (or for all y'all brit-folk: defenCe) for the first half or so of our pick-up game was awesome. AB and I kicked butt. Yay for us!

Today I did about 25 mins of daimoku in the morning and I felt so centered today. It's like I did at least ok in everything I set out to do. Now if I could just get enough courage to go get a job or call my "job" about going and getting more hours.

Hmm...things have been ok, which I guess is a sad state of affairs to live in. I really want to go to a gay club. I wonder if KC is going anytime soon. Hopefully we can go in a posse...:]. That'll be great. With other men, maybe I can find someone...to talk to...have fun with...to do something.

It makes me wonder, what is it about a journal that is so inspiring or self-reflecting to people...it's all about self-incursion, self-discovery, self-this, self-that. It's all about the me me me narcisstic tendency that humans have. I wonder if this is really helping my self grow. Maybe, maybe not...but I do know, right now this makes me feel better and helps me go about my day.

I went to the gaywrites site, and I was reading James Farmer's log...of essays. It's kinda sad to see someone who is totally down about their life. I wonder what I'll be thinking like in 20 years, or 21 years, as I approach and turn 40 years old. That seems so far away and it seems like it's filled with a lot of difficulties, but I think I could change so much. The question I have now though is "will I change?" "Will I change the world?"

Hmm...enough philosophizing...time for bed.

PS I need to kick the porn habit. Bad porn, bad.

Oye, archives are being annoying...AAAGH!

Ok, so i keep on ignorning this thing for long periods of time.

Tonight I went to an SGI meeting. It was refreshing because I haven't seen a lot of these people in a long time. It's always nice to see these people's faces. Plus, it's nice to actually go to an SGI meeting. It has been a while since I went. I think the last time I went was a week or so before I flew back home, that would make it nearly a month since my last SGI meeting. That's probably why it was so good.

We're planning for next month's (13 July's) KRG (World Peace Prayer). It sounds like it's going to definitely be a great meeting...it almost always is. I just hope that I can get my shit together and actually do this.

On another note, I regret to inform the avid readers of goob (that's the name of my blog, if you haven't already figured out)...that my brother had a car accident a couple nights back. It wasn't a major accident, everyone was ok, but it looks like the car's going to need around $3 or $4 Ks of work on it. No one got hurt and it was a lower-speed accident. Too bad though, it means I *get* to be family taxi for at least the next couple of weeks (hopefully not longer than that). My brother even had the nice car with him, our Saab, so the family sedan is out of service for a while. I'm just glad that nothing happened to my bro, his passengers or the people in the other car (Toyo 4Runner). It seems like my brother was distracted by people driving a red car (like a Nissan 280Z) hatchback-style coming down College Av and didn't have enough space to stop before hitting the back of the Suv. Apparently the car looked bad, but my brother and his friends felt nothing in the cabin of the car. Good design...a plus.

It seems like their karma (mind the pun) was semi broken by this accident, at least it wasn't a bad accident and the shoten zenjin (buddhist dieties) were protecting that car. Phew!

It's more of an inconvenience to the family...but the real consequences have been that no one under 18 in my family will be able to drive others (except family) until they turn 18. It's mostly for safety, but I guess it's a good rule.

Ok, tonight will be my night to go to bed early, maybe around 11...?

I'll write more lata.

Ciao ciao ciao

I think that I really don't know how to read people.

Today as an example:

At FH today, I was playing mostly against N and well, right now I can't really tell the vibe I'm getting from her. She seems pleasant, but I do know that she can be really, well, bitchy sometimes. Eh, it's all probably up in my head at the moment.

I'm really tired now too from all the Fh I played today, so this'll be a short lil blog.

Fh was fun today; Garrett's back, so therefore no need for me to be defence. It was nice being able to run for the whole game, but I didn't have enough h2o so i sputtered at the end. Oh well, it was still great to try to think like a midfielder (I think I did better on the defence parts).

Hopefully, this whole readjustment to seeing people will get better. I'm still about as horny as b4...and well that's not a good thing, my standards are going down down down. Hopefully this won't go further down because then I might just actually want women! (he he he, not).

Oh well, short and sweet...not too much drama...my life is starting to feel better centered so I'm feeling better, though this whole judging how other people think of me thing is bothering me. Should I care? maybe. I /just/ want to know what's going on in their brain...ugh.

Eh, nap time, 2 times today.

g'aft'noon!

Drama drama drama!

I think I crave it!

Je suis fou!

Chanson de la moment: "Tu es foutou" - Ingrid.

Now that I got all that journaling/blogging outtathaway. It's time to focus on the current andy-crisis of the moment.

I'm in serious need of motivation.

I have none.

Job, kinda got one, waiting for them to call back and say "Andy, we need you to work again." Which, I think will be soon, it sounds like they'll eventually need me soon.

However, other than the occasional pick-up field hockey game or ultimate frisbee and doing the Reker taxi service (I charge $0.55 per mile after a mile, cheapest rates in the nine-seven-oh), I hardly get off of my ass to do anything. That's nice, ya know, ain't it?

This coincides with a lack of challenges in my emotional life. Being home leads to passivity, or at least in my case it does. I don't think I've done anything productive. Even doing gongyo (prayers) has become austere and meaningless sometimes. I need an invigorating spiritual challenge in my spirituality. >sigh<, which of course is to keep my spirituality going even during times of mediocrity. (Imagine the light bulb going off in my head at the moment).

In addition to this, I'm realising that I'm not really 'cured' from my feelings for R. I need more time, and, apparently, more space (wow!) to deal with that. It'll be an interesting process...because I don't think I still fully realise what R said to me. Did he leave a door open saying "right now"? I don't get it. "Yes, you are", or "no, you aren't"?

Am I over-super-hyper-dramatizing this? Most probably.

I'll eventually figure it out myself, somehow.

I need some rest, but at the same time I need something to do. I'm a tide pool: stagnant, draining, and drying out. I don't know where I can go from here though. I guess I'll have to wait for the next wave to come in to replenish me. Hopefully.

I also need a man. I don't know, but right now the biological clock is in full "seed the world" mode and this whole thing is getting annoying. I'm imagining screwing every guy who walks by. Damn!, even worse than usual! Ugh! I know that a one-night stand won't help me out spiritually, let alone help my fears of sex, but it's looking mighty probable right now that I'll find one/some soon.

Question of the moment associated with that: Am I ready to lose my virginity? Am I mentally and spiritually and psychotically ready for that? I mean, I've done 'stuff' with a nameless person b4, but not that stuff. Hmm. If I'm questioning it, then I'm not, am I?

Related question: Am I confident of myself? Do I claim/act to be confident, when I'm really being arrogant? I do think so, at times. I'm so afraid of who I am that it hinders me from coming out to my parents. I'm confident enough that a lot of my friendships are expendable and that I'll not really miss people who are turned away by my homosexuality, but I'm still not sure enough of myself to tell my parents or even really utter the words "I am gay," in public, that I'll even go to the lengths of dropping hints, extensive hints, which require an extensive background of current news to get people around me to say "Oh, are you gay?" and that even then I'll just say "yes," or just nod my head.

Andy, you are fucking gay, damnit! Admit it to yourself and to...yourself. (ugh, my sense of humor is coming back...I'm getting better.)

Where am I in life? Where shall I go? Whom shall I meet?

Andy: Can't I just become a hermit? Please, please, please?
Dismembered voice of god: No, to grow you must interact with people.
Andy: Why must I grow?
Dvog: Because, you will not change your karma if you don't grow. Because, you must interact with people, otherwise you'll go crazy.
Andy: You have a good point there.
Andy: (Aside) Do you think he's crazy? Or is it just me?
Dvog: I know all and hear all...shaddup!
Andy: Ooops, forgot about that. Sorry.
Andy sits and ponders, in broad daylight, wondering why everything around him seems to be covered by a thick fog.

(5 June 2003)
))edit((
This is the 3rd time trying to post the 5th of June!

Today we didn't do much. Let's see: went to Lloyd Center. You know that uncle Lloyd has some money, wow! [:P]

Today it was nice though. We went to ED's dad's house for an evening BBQ. The food was good. But, he'las I couldn't enjoy it because I ate too much at that durn Lloyd Center. It was great food though. The place where Ed's dad lives is called St John and it was nice being away from the city life for a bit. It was refreshing. St John is like a small town. And driving back in the evening light reminded me of Forli' (Italia), where I spent 4-5 days during sophomore year of high school. The streets were so straight and far away...but I still loved it.

(7 June 2003)

Today was a not so fun day. It was my (JW's and CR's) last in Portland.

I'm glad to be going home, but I'll miss Portland. It's a great town. All compact, we walked a lot (for American's that is), and I do say I had a great time, (jolly old chap!).

I won't see Cr for at least 6 months, and I'm going to miss her.

Though, today was nice, in the morning we had Pancakes of Sour Cream. My misconceptions were proven wrong, they tasted pretty good. It was a nice morning meal.

In the time before we (Jw, Cr, and I) left, we watched movies, including this wacky movie called Loverboy. Leave it up to Comedy Central to find the oddest movies from the 80s! The basic plot is about this guy who comes back from college finds a job and finds a lady (and has sex with her) who then turns around and pimps him out to the unloved ladies of his town. Now let the fun ensue!

It was an interesting trip back home. PDX (Portland's Airport) is small and I basically got through everything quickly. But the stupid CD player wouldn't work. So I had to sit in silence.

Well, it's nice being back home.

(6 June 2003)

Argh, UN is going away! I probably won't see her until Jan of 2004!!!

We had omlettes today.

Today was the last day for our house and UN. It was bittersweet.

We moved over to ED's house and that's where we had played cards well into the night.

(4 June 2003)

Today was fun, I bet I traveled so much in the Lloyd Center, it's such a nice mall. I do have to say for malls that it is a good place. A nice food court, 3 levels, and really compact...it actually feels more like an enclosed street rather than a suburban 6lo6 (blob) from space or carved from a mountain.

Today, we saw Finding Nemo, for my and JW's second time, and for everyone else's (ED, UN, and CR) first time. It is such a good movie. It cannot be surpassed on the list for a while.

It was another ho-hum day in Portland...nothing to complain about. I like those kinda days every once in a while.

Ed's mom had a potluck thingy for us, mostly SGI ppl there for us to be questioned by. It was ok though, they were all nice and didn't ask too many questions about SUA. It was nice for Sgi ppl, for once, to be interested in us and not the Sua life. Yay! The food was ah-may-zing. Yum. Ugh, was very full. Very Very Very full.

The most amazing thing happened after the extended dinner: Ed cleaned dishes! [:P] - hehehe. No, actually, what was more amazing was that a group of TV ppl descended on the D household and taped the dish-cleaning going on. There was insightful and astonishing commentary by Cr and Jw, with by-the-sink coverage by EH and of course a bit of Shakespeare by Ed's mom. It was a laugh riot!

Then (I think) we attempted to go into the Fun Center for the Rose Festival. That was a negatory, we got there about 20 mins b4 they closed the whole place down. That was a failed mission. However, we got to walk around Portland's City Center and view the sights. Which ended up being Pioneer Sq at night with the Budwieser Cydesdale Trucks parked in it. Eh, the clydesdales I've seen b4, so not much. But it was nice hanging out with Eh and all the rest of the gang.

(3 June 2003)
Well...for the first day in Portland...it was a blast. I do have to say, that being picked up in a city unknown to you and your drivers is interesting...to say the least: we went down the freeway into Portland from PDX the wrong way. Ooops! Bad signage.

Ellie's house is amazing, it's a nice small house with history, a just a kitty-corner away from anything...well, not really a kitty-corner, but pretty close. She's like a block from the Portland Community Center, across from her old elementary school, near a bus line, and about a 20 min walk from her work (Portland's 2nd Mall and their Light-rail: the MAX). It's a nice compact city with an European feel to it. It's such a nice place, I may end up living there...heh...I love CO too much for that.

We 'moved in' to our summer cottage...in reality, the Residence Inn about 10 or 15 blocks from ED's house. It's such a nice place, I'm glad that Ed's dad is getting it for us. We can play house! Baggage came late though, that was bummers man. It took them to about 3 or 4 in the aft 2 deliver it 2 Ed's house...so I was worried a bit...but none too much to enjoy the comfort of friends...in reality, soka fam.

We didn't do much today, UN couldn't get into PDX until about 11P, so we had 2 go pick her up later that night.

((edit))I think it was this night that I was called Mr Rorie. Haha...this sealed our internet family: me-dad; Cr-mum; Un-first? child; Ed-second? child; Jw-third? child; Elsa-illicit? child. We were at Safeway...out buying food so that we could have French Toast and Omlettes, and I didn't have a Safeway card and Cr told the checker her number in Spok-an(silent e) and it had BR written on the bottom so I guess the checker ass-umed that i was related to Cr somehow. Odd. Well, that's where the i- ? e- family started.

Today I will write what has happened in the last week or so of my life...prepare for a long blog...

Fav song of the moment: Evanescence (f | Paul McCoy of 12 Stones) - "Bring me to life"

More stuff is below: