I don't know exactly how I'm feeling right now. It feels good to start feeling something right now. I just wish I had a fucking clue as to what exactly this feeling would be called.
(There goes the automatic laughing - shirking - defence mechanism.)
I don't know what I'm feeling, it's a lot of anger over my apathy today. It wasn't bad apathy I did manage to get stuff done; mostly stuff dealing with
The Pearl. We finally published and it looks GOOD! I don't know why it's bothering me so much, but for some reason, I feel that I wasted a day away. It's a bad place to be. I haven't had a really consistent practice for the last month or so with so many things asking for my attention; mostly classes. Classwork has become more and more last minute.
A lot of what I'm feeling is a bunch of shit coming up from the past, a bunch of shit from right now and a bunch of shit about the future.
So where shall we start? About the past? Good, it's my ride, you follow.
The past shit.
There's a lot: be warned!
Ok, so mabye I'll start on the next line.
So, this shit of which I've been talking about for a while, what is it? It's a lot about my feelings of abandonment. I don't know exactly why, but i have a big fear of abandonment. I want/need/seek things that stay nearly exactly the same. I also have a destructive tendency in my life, so at the same time, i'm trying to find something that's impernament, that's also what i crave for as I'm trying to find something permanent.
This has resluted in a lack of any sexually-involved relationships, and many many superficial friendships. I'm afraid of the change and afraid of the possiblity of abandonment. Therefore i have a high standard of who i'll even onsidere dating...if that. Then, that makes me question my self worth. Shit number 1.
Shit number 2.
A lot of my shit comes from hiding and not finding a let-out for what i'm feeling. I'm deathly afraid of speaking sometimes. It's a fault of mine, I know, but I don't want to dominate a conversation, like I know I will if I'm allowed to let everyfuckingthing that i have in my mind go. I like that I'm able to choose some of my words carefully. But back to the emotions part. Ihave so much fuckedup stuff rolling around in my mind and I'm afraid to let it out, it' just endsup staying bottled up in my brain. Therefore I can't find a let-out to let any steam off. I'm always feeling like I need to have a good scream and, yet, I can't find any real reasyon why I should feel that way. I feel so fucked-up because of not being able to let-go and let steam out.
Shit number 3.
Why am I like this? Is a constant question that's always haunted me.
Shit number 4:
My horrible self-image is not helping me along with getting a better feeling about myself. I really want to change my dieting habits but I can't do a great job here. I want to work out, but not being able to this morning made me so cranky and shitty feeling that I don't know what to do. I feel like today I've been floating around JUST FUCKING BECAUSE i wasn't able to do my morning workout. Usually it's nothing that's that critical. But i feel so out-of-sync that I really needed something to be consistent...which of course nothing has. As you can tell by my bloggin' habits as of recent, i'm being very inconsistent with things.
Shit number 5:
Why can't I feel extreme emotion?
I can't remember the last time I really had a break-down or a long cry. I can't remember. I don't remember. It must have been something like when first moved to the 'new' house. That would be no more than when I was in second grade. Could it have been that long? I remember telling myself as a child once that "I wouldn't ever let myself cry again." I guess my determination came true. I don't remember the circumstances around that, but something in the core of me was affected enough that I didn't ever want to cry again. I don't care what it was, but I want to cry, i want to laugh, i want to be able to live life FULLY.
Shit now:
I have somany fucking things that I need to od, but I really don't feel like I have any time to do anything. It probably is from my attitude and my need ot do some exercise and reinvigorate my body and myself. I just need a fix of endorphines. I have angst I'm trying to use it for a good cause. I'm dead tired, I feel dead tired and all i really want to do is go home and use some avoidance techniques. I also need a release valve or something for all this pent-up stress. I really need to start playing field hockey again. I just need something. I feel like I'lll explode if I'm not able to play sometime soon. Mostly I just need to be able to feel like I'm "normal".
Wu said something today that made me realize how much I still have to change: it went something like this: "Being at soka makes your weaknesses come out; if you don't change them here, then you're not really doing well here." Also, in the newspaper today, Kraus's thing about college
actually being about working hard makes me realize how much harder I can work in my studies. I do so much shit doing nothing, really like nothing and going to bed early; I have all this energy (you can see it in my inner-tubular stomach) that is waiting to be used, I can really friggin use it~~~!
Shit for the future:
My crew, my brainiacs aren't going to be here for the next 6 months at least and probably a year. How will I be able to get through my days without ellie, ann, jess, sammi, and allie? I don't exactly know how. And that scares me. I'm afraid of how I'll be once I'm alone with really just myself and a few of my neighbors. Will i turn hermity and all that shit and deal with my stuff...will i become happier. What will happen to me, myself, and I when these most important people in my life leave me here for a few months. I know it's not the end of the world, but it does make my future less clear.
Shit 2: I want to become a stronger person, but I can't even maintain something consistent, what does that spell for the future.
So i have a bunch of shitty emotions welling up...muck muck muck.
