With New IPod, Apple Aims to Be a Video Star - New York Times

With New IPod, Apple Aims to Be a Video Star the NYT.

I am gay

It's national coming out day. I just want to make sure to say again that I'm gay. If you got problems with it--well, that's just it, you got problems with homosexuality.

I came out to my parents August of last year and my brothers know, my friends know. Many people would say thatt I'd be done coming out. But, it's not true. Every time you meet someone, you have to decide whether they know or not...whether they'll understand or not. Some people take a while--like I do--to decide, usually if I like you, you'll know soon enough. To those who I don't get along with as well, you may never know. Sometimes, it feels easier to just crawl up in that closet because it's not harsh, it's comfortable and familiar, you've been there before, you can always give up and just fall right back in.

Sometimes, I have.

In my moments of weakness--where the pressure to fall into your gender role has gotten to me--I've fallen back in the closet. Seems so odd for me to say--I don't consider myself a closet-case, yet I know that I've been back there in that closet, shut-up and smarting again from the pain that comes with one of your friends saying "I have a few gay friends, but I don't really support what they do."

I've also gone through moments of courage--moments where I've proudly stated I'm gay, or even just meekly stated "I'm gay," when a moment before, I thought I couldn't even mouth the words. When I told my parents--or every few months when my mom asks "When are you going to bring a girlfriend home?" and the moment that follows when my mom's dreams are broken again when I tell her I won't be bringing a girlfriend home--the one who I'll be bringing home will probably be taller than I am, and perhaps even gayer than I am.

I still have yet to experience a life outside of the protected world that is Soka--this warm, yet small and sometimes confining bubble where I can be andy--as idosyncratic, flippant, feminine, or asian as I want to be--many times within the same moment, even. I can do the asian thing one day, the gay thing the next, the IB (ahem, the IBS) thing the day after, and still be a Soka student. However, what it's like outside of this bubble, I dont' know if I'm ready for it.

As a child, I remember visiting one of my family's friends in a small town in Kentucky. When my family walked into a Golden Corral for dinner one night in the great state of Kentucky with our family friends--a family that happened to be white and filipino--the people in the restaurant just stared at us--even while we ate our dinner! They must have just been shocked that a Japanese family could have a nice dinner with a white woman who had two mixed filipino kids, another white daughter and the daughter's white boyfriend. I don't know if I could face that scrutiny. I may not have to experience that as a gay man. I may just never walk into a golden corral. Their food sucks anyways.

Speedo Cup

Here's a list of the teams that will be at Speedo Cup in November. Wow~!

Alaska Fairbanks
Unatt / Azot
Air Force
BYU
Cal Baptist
Chapman
CMS
Col State
CPSLO
La Verne
LMU
Nevada
New Mexico
Occidental
Pepperdine
San Jose State
Soka
Stanford
U San Diego
UC Davis
UC Irvine
UCSC
UCSD
Unatt / Ventura

Still exhausted

But feeling better than I was this morning.

Exhausted...

I'm bit exhausted from all the homework and papers that have been on my mind this week. I'm also worried about capstone. I have no clue what I want to do with it. I'm stuck between two ideas. I need to chant about a lot of things. You know, I had a good amount of happiness earlier this week--even though I had a lot of things going on, I was not suffering from them, but today, and yesterday, a bit more suffering than I expected even though I've had less of stuff. Again, I need to chant.

The new Kanye West videos are awesome~! I know I sound so white-washed saying that, but it's true. I think I have a lot of respect for him, though I don't really understand what or why he says what he says sometimes.

Ricky Martin's new video is hot. Though, I don't think the song is that interesting. Eye candy~! :D Hehe...I think I'm turning gay-er day by day.

Quotes from tonight--Grosse Point Blank

"Psychopaths kill for no reason. I don't kill for no reason--I do it for money. Wait, I didn't mean it like that."

"Me? Go G? On you?"

"I am at home with the me...this is me breathing."

"I'll go put these in some rubbing alcohol."

--I should've brought my gun
--What?
--It should be fun

The best line:

--You know what you need?
--Huh?
--Shakubuku.
--What's that?
--A swift kick in the karmic butt.

Tinki--"You wrote all that with your finger?"

Serenity

Heh. I love all the random 'asian' in Serenity--the chinese for instance. It is perhaps stereotypical and slightly bigoted based on some perspective you could take of the movie, but I secretly thought it was hilarious. I'm sure that the writer/director wanted to emphasize the fact that chinese will be an important feature of the future.

I went to the movie with Brian. What a sweet guy. I've definitely got a crush on him. I'm not ready to really say that to him or really accept it myself, but I know I got one. :P. Shoot. Grrr. Sometimes it's hard to live life without being hard on yourself or hard on others. But, right now, I'm doing all that I can do.

I'm happy with that--though at moments my thoughts aren't thus. Flip-flopping as much as the conservatives said that Kerry did. :S...that's probably not a good thing. But this battle with suffering is becoming more important everyday--I also know that I will win.

I want to see a happier world. Olivea gave a short report on the YD meeting last weekend. Man! It reminded me of what Nagashima-san's words, especially those of fighting for justice. I was also reminded of Nathan's visit here a month or so ago--where he said that the real structure of societies are revealed in times of crisis. Obviously, we've revealed what the US society is truly like--there is still class oppression, racism--perhaps, and definitely a gap between the rich and the poor. Hopefully this has stirred us to make changes in our enivironment.

I think I'm goin crazy.

I'm not going crazy in the normal way of going crazy. i'm thouroughly enjoying life. Yet, something seems missing. I'm envious of those who have someone to share life with. I just talked a bit with Emily. She said that with her boyfriend, she doesn't ever have to live up to a standard. That's what I feel like I've been doing with my dates--I'm living up to a standard, maybe not theirs, but mine. I've never felt really comfortable with them--at least not as comfortable as I expected I would be. Perhaps it's because I've never been in to them...maybe.

Who am i most comfortable around? My brothers, more so than my friends sometimes. But that's kinda expected I guess. My friends are there--maybe they'll be there 10 years down the road--50 years even. Brothers though, I never really expect will ever be out of my life. that's not to say I haven't made life-long friends here at SUA, I have, but the bond with brothers seems so strong.

So, I guess what does that mean for those that I want to date? Am I truly comfortable around them? No. I guess they bring up my insecurities, the 'quirks' about myself seem to come up when I get a crush. I know that I go crazy when I'm in crush. Perhaps it's because i am still always 'looking' for mr. right. I think I put all of my expectations for my future into one person, perhaps it's not right to do that. That's how I work--yet I imagine that I shouldn't focus on what's not going to last, and focus on that which will last.

I'm listening to "Con te partiro" right now, wow~! What song!

Life I guess is a bit difficult. My life right now, though it may be tough, is something that is worth living. Do I truly believe that? Am I just saying it to be bettering my mind? I don't know what I do sometimes. It bothers me that I don't always know what I'm thinking, or morespecifically why I'm thinking that. Tiziano Ferro is hot! So are the swimmer boys. Hehe. I wonder what the think-tank girls are thinking right now? Swimmer boys, what would they think if they knew that there's guys eying them all the time...tony and I >;).

I'm tired. I should get h20, but I'm so tired that I don't even want to go downstairs. I want to sleep. In the last three months, I've met 3 brians. Only one has been a crushed-upon, but I thought that it was a funny factoid. Left that crush for now. (pat on the back). things with the previous crush are going okay. I think life paths are slowly departing. La meva sortida es a <<<>>>. I don't think there's any odd feelings.

Lost is the best show in the world--at least right now. Bjork is awesome. I heart her. Not really 'heart' heart her. I want to be caressed, touched, kissed, and loved. Someone who can do all that and wants to get to know me, yay, i'd love that ;). Sadly, my life feels as if there's a large pop influence in it. I want to leave the pop influence behind and go for more experimental stuff.

Finland Again Ranks First Among Global Competitors - New York Times

Finland Again Ranks First Among Global Competitors - New York Times: "'High labor market rigidities, and, in particular, the ease of hiring and firing, contribute to explaining why Europe lags behind U.S. performance,' Beatrice Weder di Mauro, an economics professor at Mainz University, wrote in a paper for the forum." If that isn't a sign of cultural globalization--I don't know what is.

Guardian Unlimited | Special reports | House leader and Bush ally indicted on fundraising conspiracy charge

Guardian Unlimited | Special reports | House leader and Bush ally indicted on fundraising conspiracy charge: "George Bush suffered a significant blow to his already problematic second presidential term when a key Republican, Tom DeLay, majority leader in the House of Representatives, was indicted by a grand jury. "

We live amongst people, yet we die alone.

I really think I need to understand the sufferings of birth, old age, sickness and death. I want to know what it means to be alive. I am floating in my own ignorance. I'd like to find out what it means to live. I want to find what it means to love and be loved back. I want my love to be returned--thought it's only a requirement for partners and boyfriends and the like.

What do I want to find in a boyfriend, in a lover, in a partner?
-He has to be able to listen?
-He's gotta be willing to compromise?
-He has to laugh at my jokes--even if they are laughs of 'how stupid?'
-He's attractive.
-He's motivated.
-He likes sports--any of them.
-He is true to himself as well as true to others.
-He loves the outdoors as much as he loves the indoors.
-A movie is as appealing as a concert which is as appealing as the beach which is as appealing as the trails. Just some thoughts.
-If he spoke spanish, chinese, japanese, french, german, russian, arabic, italian, or hindi it'd be really nice.
-If he spoke them all, that'd be heaven. ;).

New music

Here's some new music that's got my attention:
-Amerie/One thing
-rob thomas/this is how a heart breaks
-anna nalick/breath (2am)
-howie day/collide
-josh kelley/only you
-kelly clarkson/ all of her stuff...though like I said, that cd should be called "fuck you!"
-shakira y alejandro sanz/la tortura
-el canto del loco/zapatillas
-green day/the whole cd
-juanes/"mi sangre"--the whole cd

Here I am, once again...

Not "torn into pieces," but in the IT Lab. Whoa, it's different to be here once again after such a long time.

I don't know what to think about Katrina. A million homeless people. The inefficiencies of the Federal government. There is a feeling that there is something wrong, yet no one can really find where the source lies. I think perhaps it lies within us. In the New York Times, I saw an article that compared the emergency management protocols of Virginia and New Orleans/Louisiana. What seemed most important to me was that in the case of Virginia, though they maybe forceful, the thought is thinking about the safety of those who are in harm's way. Not just those who can leave or those who have the ability to leave. There's busses that are set-up to run people out of neighborhoods--those who don't have cars or aren't physically capable of leaving danger areas; as well as having a list of people who don't own cars. It's even a 'republican' area! Heart-less, no.

What bothers me though, is that we've know that these areas are where there is mass poverty. Where they live is mass, minority poverty too.

From 9News.com

: "Detractors have said she is demoralizing the troops and using her son's death to push a liberal platform. " Umm, you know what, I thought that what really mattered was that war is something that should be treated with respect. When, war was one of the aims of the current administration, from the get-go, and if the current administration preaches that it is a conservative government, than i say it's something that I'd be happy with. I don't want to have a president who doesn't know how to react to disasters, to care for citizens of the country, and who seeks war with others. Yay~! Nathan just stopped by. Whoa~! So much conversation:). I miss 05ers!

I watch the news and feel numb-er

What's going on in New Orleans is horrendous. I really don't think that there was enough thought that went into getting the poor out of the city after the hurricane. Mayor! Why move from the city? Do you not want to be close to the citizens whom you're trying to get out? Do you act as a capitain who'll go down with his ship? Until everyone gets out before you do? Governor? How can you help the citizens of your state to get to safe, clean conditions?

The Secty. of Homeland Security is talking right now on the news about restoring 'law and order' to the affected areas in N.O. but right now it's honestly not just restoring law and order but what you have to do is start getting supplies and medical aid into N.O. Both have to happen, not just creating 'law and order'. Now is the time that people have to take action.

More than anything else, my prayers are there in New Orleans, in Mississippi and in Alabama.