I'm *just* tired

Flat out tired. There's not much else I can say. It's been the longest 3-day week I've ever had...I think.

Saturday was the beginning of it all: *someone*--one of the students--clicked on a link they got in MSN messenger which was some majorly bad code. It dispached code which started attacking Norton A/V. In more understandable terms, think of it like Hiv/Aids. It attacks the immune system and then other, usually harmless, or quickly taken care of, viruses attack the system bringing the immune system and the body to a dead halt. In terms of computing, this 'click' is like not wearing a condom--open to all sorts of virii. Hence, I've spent the past few days dealing with all this. I'm posting from work, btw.

I'm tired. zzzz -_-!

Gaffes

You'll only get it if you take chinese..."women you lots of virus infections"

Ever feel like a child

I still have days when I wonder what the heck I'm doing...I still feel like a child; well in that bewildered way. I try to be oblivious; perhaps I'm not cynical enough, or maybe I'm too cynical. But I just feel ... bewildered.

There's an article in the World Tribune of a few weeks back...the guy giving the experience says something like There's a part of me that accepted that I could live my life fully in every other aspect but a relationship; the rest of me wanted a relationship. I think my sentiments couldn't be better expressed. I want a relationship! I also want lunch.

I haven't laughed so hard that it hurt my abs to laugh more, in oh so long. I want to laugh, like I really mean it.

It is a blue day; though today it's sunny, I just don't want to shine like it is outside.

Best diana quotes ever

Best Diana Quotes ever:

Only one so far:

"I need to change my diapers."

Reflections

Reflections:

Reading my first blogs from Froshmen year, I don't know whether I was just more honest at that point to my feelings or that now I've grown up a bit. Looking back, it seems all like a dream and I'm kinda happy that I've gone the path that I've gone on. I'm still dealing with a lot of the same issues, different facets of the same thing, or different aspects of it that I didn't ever meet back then, but I'm on my path. I'm still shy and quiet when it comes to matters of the heart, but I'm being more honest to myself--even if with others it's in denial.

I absolutely want to follow my mentor and hero...determination.

I want to enjoy my life but I also want to follow my dreams and my goals. I wnat to find someone who will understand that. Are there people who do understand that?

Sadness and determination.

Estuve en el WeHo

This has been a long, fun-filled week.

I'm enjoying just going out. I'm enjoying doing the things that I thought all people on the Coast did. (Which isn't true...not everyone goes out mid-week to party). I enjoyed myself for the first time in a while.

I want to do more than enjoy--I will get there, no doubt.

So, last Sunday, we had sukiyaki--David, Eric, Mitsue, Lisa, Brian and I. A small lil' family affair. Definitely good food, good company. Brosefs, Lisa, and Mitsue all leave after eating, Brian and I hang out for a while afterwards. Make plans to go up to WeHo for Halloween Carneval.

Tuesday comes--it was a blast!


I had so much fun--good drinks [not stiff enough...boo!] (didn't like the price, but hey! whatever), lots of people, an atmosphere that I haven't been around in so long. I was somewhat uncomfortable with the crush of people, but realized I got through bigger crowds during La Merce' and then got over it. We met at Erwin's (volleyball friend of Brian's) and took the bus down to Beverly Center. Walked LaCienaga to Boystown, and it started from there on down to Doheny (A block after Robertson). It was amazing to look down the hill and see that many people!--I don't think the promoters were wrong in saying 500.000 people would come out that night. It reminded me so much of LaMerce'. After walking the strip, try to go to Abbey--line's too long; think about doing bottellon with drinks from Pavillion's but unfortunately, line's too long. Decide to go to Rage--$15 cover. Night gets better from there! Recipe for success: mix alcohol, decent music, some MySpace/Gay.com drama-rama, dishing on 'costumes' and boys. Finish the clubbing/drinking/dancing, eat some awesome (though $4) brats/dogs and end with a walk with Alan et Mike (6 degrees'-ing it: Me-(soka)-Brian-(volleyball)-Erwin-(flip friends)-Alan-(roommate)-Mike). Nice to meet someone new everytime I go somewhere with Brian.

I was so appreciative of not having to drive back. I would've passed out!

Patience is key. I have it, some don't.

OMG!

Really enjoying this song right now!

Manu chau, man. That's where it's at.

The soundtrack of my life is positive right now. I don't remember ever feeling this positive in my life, on the inside. With some people, you know they feel the ups and downs, my emotions follow a snail-paced ride over foothills. These past few weeks have been weeks where I feel on the up and up. I have nothing other than the Mystic Law to thank for the happiness in my life. I still have sadness that comes my way; however, I feel secure in my identity--as a buddha, like I haven't in so long. I want to enjoy this feeling forever, knowing that I know I will face futher challenges in my life. It is without doubt that I will face challenge. I want it, crave it, need it, just as much as I need shelter, water, and food. I want to challenge deeply, not broadly. I want to tackle all my situations, attacking them to the root cause, the core. I am a buddha, it will be so, son.

My challenges at the moment: work, health, district and chapter responsibilities, positive growth and thought.

Sensei, thank you.

Life, the universe, the mystic law, and Nam-myoho-renge-kyo are one in the same. I am trying to have faith in that and take actions from there.

"Today is the day from whence I shall step forth and challenge all in my life."

I want to share this spirit with everyone. Encourage them to live by it as well. I want to have faith and take action as well. I rested well last night and I've had a good day today. I want my worries to propell me to something better.

I still have yet to figure out what it is that I want to do with my life. Talking with Daito yesterday on our way up to Santa Monica WPIA made me realize, what my calling may be. I'm slightly afraid to say that I may be working in the wrong field right now. Urban planning seems to be something that will continue to entice me in the future. Human rights, civil rights are both things that I want to help with. Is what path I'm setting myself on right now the same path I want to be on?

I have to study more. Soka spirit is meaningless. Daito was critical of the relationship that G. Williams had with the priesthood--in terms of Soka spirit issues. I want to be such a person who doesn't bend to those "devils" and "demons," those who are secretly trying to destroy the SGI.

I want to be loved, but perhaps I have to learn to love myself first. Appreciating what it is that I do posess and striving to better myself in the areas where I am weak. Love is something that we all seek. Some are more loving than others, but love remains the same. The question of the week is: "is it romance or bro-mance?" I struggle with the answer within myself. Asking this question with out already knowing my own, remains yet a precarious one for him.

Clarity. My grandmother is going to undergo surgery on Tuesday. I'm going to take a sick day and chant for her during the surgery and before it. My grandmother's surgery and her health is weighing on my mind. Don't know what I'd do without her. She is the anchor of the family and she is someone who's still seeking out kosen-rufu. Treasure her and memories that I have of her. Noticed last time I was home how much she seemed to have aged; caused me worry while I was there, but now I worry more because I'm becoming awayre of *her* mortality. At the same time, I'm more awayre of my own.

If all goes well and there are no complications with her surgery, I will also head up to West Hollywood for the Hollywood Carneval that night. Excited for the Carneval, though still with out a costume; furthermore, unsure about what 'it' is hence worried about hurt feelings.

I'm feeling much more contented with work. Although I complain a bit about the students...only a bit ;)...I do treasure them. However, I must be clear about expectations and responsibilities. This should be a great training opportunity for these students' futures. I hope they know it. Sincerity in work is amazing, laziness and slack and lack of resolve is absoutely horrid. I want to be able to encourage the student who feels unable to learn or blocked from it somehow to see that they are able to learn. Thinking of Ms. R. specifically in this case.

Science of Sleep

I think this movie describes me in, oh-so-few-hours. Hell, I think I'd like to be half as sexy as Gael Garcia Bernal, then I'd be really, really sexy. A perfect sycronization of my reality and the silver screen. I spend my day sleeping, dreaming. How do you explain what goes on in my life? I want to find someone who creates as much as they can. Can. Creation. Stream of consciousness. Yashasvi, Shalini is in India working for an HR firm where she is undergoing the reality check of post-grad life. Yash is in Japan living it up as a Study Abroad student. Gael Garcia Bernal, who has absolutely nothing to do with Yash, is a magnificent actor and a sexy one at that. There's a guy from my hometown that's going to be named, or maybe he was named, as Cosmo's sexyest guy. He's going to be on their cover, question mark? I wonder what. I looked up his data on the internet, apparently he's a townie, a good looking one at that, I wonder if he worked at Best Buy, ever? He's 26 and white, tanned, but white. Good looking. Very good looking. Proves my contention that Coloradoans are probably the best looking euro-white people in the US. I mean, we produced a "Bachelor" and now a "Cosmo guy." Heh, and that's just my hometown! Heheh. I love reality TV, I mean in the way that I hate it. God, it's such a guilty pleasure. Pleasure...heh heh heh..devil horns go up. Where is my life going?

Combini's are probably the best thing in Japan...actually there's so much about Japan that is "convenient," convenience stores being perhaps the most convenient of them all. Oden probably would be my favorite part, well it's either Oden or the racks of straight porn right near the entrance of the store...in plain sight. Japanese men are weird! Wait, men are weird! and I am one! So, I can prove that we're all weird. Crazyiness is something that afflicts all of humanity. Spaniards I think are keen on that. There was a crash on the Metro in Rome several days back, or maybe two, I wonder how the people who were injured in that crash are getting along now. Europe, and maybe even France, perhaps at its center, is something that I'd like to explore more of. This movie that I watched with Gael Garcia was realize par un directur francais...j'pense. Je ai pas lu sa biografie, mais, le film et realize par CAnal+ et le setting fue en Paris, creo. No se, quiza fue otra ciudad de Francia, pero parecia ser Parigi. Io non ho caputo tutto del'film, mai pensava che questa film e super.

J'ai faim. J'ai sommeil. Ce soir, je voudrais boire un petit vasse de l'alcool. Je voudrais plus practiquer le franccais, yin wei, j'ai oublie n grosse partie du franccais que j'avais aprendu. Yo no se si sera posible, pero intentare estudiare le franccais plus. Pour quoi voudrais-je apprendre plus? ou c'est re-apprendre? Je me sentirais plus encore plus desole. Et je l'haine etre plus desole. Je vencerai sur la desolation. Mais, je pense que ma franccais maintenant parece muy espanyol.

Snow Patrol

} 18 October 2006 {

I love these lines: “For once I want to be the car crash / not always just the traffic jam / hit me hard enough to wake me / and lead me wild to your dark roads

Headlights show it all before me / so beautiful so clear
I will reach out and take it / Cause I’m so tired of all this fear
My tongue is lost so I can’t tell you / please just see it in my eyes
I’ll pull the thorns from our ripped bodies and let the blood fall in my mouth”

And another set...

“I don’t know quite how to say how I feel / Those three words are said too much / they’re not enough”

To live or not to live...that is the question...

"Shakespeare in the Park! Bullshit, how about Shakespeare in the apartment!"

Alas poor Andy, I knew thee fairly too well. Whether tis nobler to suffer the slings and arrows of queer persecution or perchance to sleep, rest, live and love, crash and burn.

"--No one's gonna save me, love.
--The whore's can come, Trixie.
--Love!?!?"

I love the series Deadwood. I may wax philosophical about a lot of things, and wax philosophically about a lot of things that aren't that philosophical, but I do have to say today I feel well.

"Being the Peanut Gallery"

Last night I went out. Amazing for me, I know! Went to the Boom Boom Room in Laguna Beach. It's a quaint lil place, but close. Better than slashing through the 5 and 10 freeways at 9 or 10 at night to get to weho and park for 20 bux and another 20 at the bar and 20 at the club. But anyways, I think I've neglected my queer life for so long that I forgot who and what that was. I love the psychology of gay bars. There's nothing finer and more fun than being the peanut gallery. Uuuuuu! There's the 40-something surfer guy! Oh and the older white boy with his Asian/Hispanic (take your pick) twink boyfriend! Oh, and look at the adorable daddy-son couple! Umm...take a look to your left, at that cop-ish thing! The best friends, the guys making out with each other at the bar during the wet underwear contest, ahh!, la vie c'est fantastique.

"Amargo Adiós"

Asi' que no tengo tiempo para hacer un post en mi blog de espanyol, lo hare' aqui'. No se' co'mo deciroslo pero siento super alegre y super contento. Estar ayer en el club gay con pista de baile y bar musical fue algo como hacerme orgulloso de ser gay, o sea, estoy ma's seguro hoy en mi' mismo que ayer. Aunque se' que hay gente a quie'n no se aplica eta generalizacio'n...como los que no tienen vida fuera de los bares y los clubes pero existen para ellos. Pero no los juzgo, no soy juez.


sé que es tarde ya / para pedir perdón / sé que es tarde ya y lo siento / termina nuestro amor

si ya nada funciona contigo / el intento no va mas allá / no me pidas dale tiempo al tiempo / no puedo esperar

si la culpa fue tuya o fue mía / el saberlo ya no servirá / no me pidas que sea tu amigo / te aseguro no funcionará

solo unos minutos te pido / voy a ahorrarte tener que explicar / diferencia entre novio y amigo / cuanto tiempo puede funcionar / y con tequila pretendo olvidarte, / mis amigos y esta canción, / porque sé, que siempre, /que siempre es amargo el adiós.

¿Aún exsitía?

"the past has gone, the future is not here, the present is what you can change..."

I don't know how to live in the moment and still be focused on my goals. How is it that one keeps their head up looking at one's goal while still knowing what to do at the next step? Having kept a regular running schedule the past two weeks, I'm slowly learning how to physically do that, the periphery vision of one is quite good at noticing things, not identifying things...I don't know how many times I've stepped in some dog's shit the past two weeks...but at least now I'm getting to the point to look at the brown blobs on the ground every once in a while.

"L'olimpiade"

Fatti forza è la vita sai che ti sfida / Ti invita a duellare con lei / Forse vinci e mollerai / Magari invece riderai / E sbagli e affoghi ma poi riuscirai / In questa grande olimpiade / Di me, di te, dell'anima!

I run. I run. I run against myself. Isn't it sad to realize that the self I run against is better prepared for the race than I am? That he's had hours, days, weeks, months, and years more training for this race? That he's had time to rest-up, that all he does is prepare himself for this race? He's better prepared and I've got my fat ass to chug up the hills, around the bends, and through the forest of my life. Nel mezzo del cammin di nostra vita... in the midway of this our mortal life...

Dante and Tiziano Ferro is such an odd mix.

My head has emptied. I will write more in my paper journal tonight..perhaps some thoughts will be posted tomorrow as well.

“I feel fine.”

I’m not into ‘casual’ dating. I am in love with someone who is. I wonder how it is that other’s go through the same suffering I’m going through. How do they cope? How is it that they overcome their suffering?

I have my answer to that: throw your sadness and suffering aside, work harder at what it is that you know will create value in your life. It’s not a new answer, is it? I don’t think so. It seems to me that that’s a lot what Ikeda Sensei did as a youth…whatever challenges he faced, he brought it back to the Gohonzon and used it as inspiration to deepen his faith in his innate Buddhahood. I want to do that as well. I want romance! I deserve romance! I want to have my buddhahood recognized. I want to recognize my buddhahood and that of others as well.

“Suffer what there is to suffer…”

"Sufre lo que tenga que sufrir, goce lo que tenga que gozar. Considere el sufrimento y la alegría como hechos de la vida y continúe invocando Nam-myoho-rengue-kyo, pase lo que pase. ¿No sería esto experimentar la ilimitada alegría que proviene de la Ley? Fortalezca su fe más y más." Nichiren Daishonin.

In my SGI responsibilities, I want to be able to support all the YMD district leaders as much as I can. I hope that I can show this to my district leaders. How can we create American Kosen-rufu? I want to be able to encourage so many people to do their human revolution that these districts pop. How do I translate this desire for American Kosen-rufu into something tangible? How do I affect others to also challenge this desire for American Kosen-rufu? Sensei has created Japanese kosen-rufu and world-wide kosen-rufu; I want to respond to his desire for world-wide kosen-rufu by creating the formula for OC kosen-rufu and American kosen-rufu.

I’m best prepared for it: I have a basic understanding of “Japanese culture,” of “Hispanic culture,” of “American culture.” I lack understanding of people and of the “OC culture,” Of this, my co-leader, chapter leader, Brian Wansolich, I think has a better understanding. SUA students can fuel this American kosen-rufu, we can work toward the goal of American Kosen-rufu together. Suffering what it is that we are suffering, enjoy what it is that we are enjoying but none the less considering suffering and happiness as facts of life and continuing to chant Nam-myho-renge-kyo no matter what happens. When we do that we will experience the unlimited joy from the law. We shall strengthen our faith more than ever.

I have a mission to work toward setting the formula of American Kosen-rufu here in the OC, in Laguna Niguel, here in my house, in my community. I want to know how it is I can contribute to the wide flow of Kosen-rufu. I wish to be the person who pushed for so many ideas, for so many things.

I realize that I need to study the culture of this area, intellectually and experiencing it as well. I want to develop a life-state that can translate this desire to understand into creating bonds of friendship throughout the county of oranges.

“Gay Republicans!”

I couldn’t image what it would be like to be a gay Republican. I recognize that being a gay Republican would be the second most difficult thing a gay man could do after being a Buddhist ;). I think one who agrees to the ideals of the Republican party—I’m talking Ideals here people, not the actions—is someone who is upright. Though to be forced to work in a place where you’re asked to compartmentalize your life is something that is unbelievably horrible. I hope that these people can see breakthroughs in the Republican party. Those who work for the ‘gaying’ of the Republican party are my compatriots in living a fully gay life and I hope that they can see the breakthrough in their party. I empathize with that life…I’ve lived it. Those who work for an open-minded Republican party are ultimately worthy of great appreciation and thanks.

http://www.nytimes.com/2006/10/08/washington/08culture.html?ei=5094&en=a13a3dac6d27c8cb&hp=&ex=1160280000&partner=homepage&pagewanted=all