At home in Colorado...

I'm back in Colorado.

An hour and fifteen minute delay at John Wayne Airport, but not bad. The drive on the highway was a bit bad, but I wasn't driving. I gave out all the omiyage for my family.

I think I've done all that I can do in the house--I've watched TV, sat in front of the fire, did sansho in front of the gohonzon, I'm connected to the internet, I've eaten lunch...now that's about it, isn't it?

I guess it's time to put out the feelers and see who is going to be doing what over New Year's eve/New Year's day.

Thoughts on television: things are different in Colorado. The men are hot! Oh my god, I forgot how sexy some of them look. One of the things is that if you have a 'white boy' fetish, this is the place to come...cuz most of them are young.

Walked in to Target after the airport...I felt as if I was still in Aliso Viejo...without all the minorities; Target--the same damn layout.

I enjoy 9news...cuz it's real news, even if I'm sick of the weather coverage...already...you know I've been home for about 2 hours now, and I'm sick of the weather coverage. I guess it started yesterday though...for me. :P

Oka enough for now...

家雪、家行き？

Just thought that that was funny. Slightly.

I'm worried about whether I'll get home. Snow is in the forecast, but so far United hasn't cancelled my flight for tomorrow. Neither has America West for David's flight.

The wonder of snow. I await you.

Why aren't there any songs of revolution, of compassion, of friendship in the US? In that respect, I enjoy Japanese music. Nostalgic songs--to hometowns, to families, to whatever it may be--are seemingly more commonplace and more popular in Japan.

Lack of appreciation? Lack of history? are these the reasons for this occurence?

I wonder about the US sometimes. I feel as if I'm losing faith and hope in the country I was born in.

Faith seems to be lacking in my life. I'm ready to go home and throw the towel in on this year. But a part of me, some part of me, says don't give up, even now. I want to make something happen. I want to light things on fire! I want to change shit, and blow up. I want my life to blow up...not in the suicide bomber way...but in the way you hear a song blow up on the radio, like that damn James Blunt song, or The Fray! I want my life to BLOW UP!

Struggle, it is in happiness I find struggle. I don't know if that makes sense. But I feel strangly attracted to that way of saying it.

Belinda - Ni Freud Ni Tu Mama

New video to post to you...only to prove my current addiction to electro-pop/electro-rock. Lo hago por mi yo soy asi

La Sopa Esta Super Calda

The soup is super hot! I should've slurped it a bit more before I swallowed the soup.

I have no clue what it is that I'm watching on IFC right now. Human Nature. I have no clue really what the heck is going on with this movie.

Spent the day yesterday ordering up shit in my life. You know what it's like when you've just been living in your own shit for so long that you just got used to it? That's what it's been with the mental, word vomit, not-believing-in-your-self shit that I've tolerated. Poision I tell you, but you can change poision into medicine. I want to continue with it.

Omg, they're having a rom in the hay on screen. I'm only feeling slightly uncomfortable right now watching htis movie with Mitsue.

God, I would love to be with the man I desire right now. Just to kiss, to lick, to get nasty, just to be.

I'm quite adoring all of the farce on the TV right now.

The Real World: Denver?!?!
Do I like it? Yes. I'm glad they 'dealt' with racial issues on the show, with a tinge of weirdness in the aftershow. It is weird to have the image of three caucasians 'discussing' issues of race and racism broadcast to you via MTV. Episode 4...hmm.

Adam and Eve stories...what what?

"I need to make sense!"
"I speak. I speak!"

Paraiso perdido? En serio? De veras?

"Adeu, Layla. Te llevo conmigo en el corazon."

Up next! Word Vomit and Mental Poison

Act 2, Scene 1 Monologue--start the emo kind of music, this is a word vomit kind of blog.

When we last saw Andy and his friend, they were eating brunch at the Original House of Pancakes finishing up breakfast. Andy is now sitting in front of his computer at his workplace.

Today. Only today.

Why does it matter? Why does it always feel like I'm inadequate? Others seem to have it so easy, or at least, easier than I do. Who is it that really has it easy? By easy, I mean, they're happy, truly happy, like on the inside bursting out of them? I cannot see it in anybody.

"I trust everybody, I just don't trust the devil inside of them." Is that the right thought? Trust, whom do I trust? Whom shall I trust? What shall I trust?

I'm a bit tired. My life needs some rejuvenation. I'm craving something, I just don't know what it is. That says it all, doesn't it? We always want what we never get.

Love, Passion Valour?

Feelings are alive, up, down, around, twisted, fucking up. My mind and heart are spinning round and round and I'm getting sick. When I say to myself, "I'm a buddha," I get sick to my stomach.

Motivation is down, stocks are down, life is down. Not out, not done, just down. Happiness is,at the moment, just a faint glimmer. Snakes. Suck out the poison and spit it out.

This morning, when I tried to think of what I can appreciate in my life, my mind was blank. First time in a while. Motivation is down. Appreciation is down. Which caused which, I don't know.

Dismal-ity; dismal-ity; dismal-ness?

The world rejects me or I reject myself?

Sigh.

My heart spins faster than a flywheel; my brain is just along for the ride.

Break. NEXT!

Consumerism is bothersome. I like giving gifts, but sometimes I feel pressured to give gifts to people. There are gifts I have given in the past where I didn't mean it. Just because I didn't mean the full sentiment of what I said doesn't mean I shouldn't, right? I'm dealing with not a life or death situation here, I'm dealing with a life or ... shame situation here. If you do something and don't really mean it, why do you do it at all? Is it so that you can get a sense of satisfaction? Is it because it's really you yourself who are getting the satisfaction out of it, is I guess what I mean. Stepping outside of the box, outside of the self; I want to support those around me and do that genuinely. No matter what it is that I may have to offer up. My life, is that what it'll take?

life less excitng

i'm looking forward to goin home for new year's. I didn't think I'd say that a few days ago. I'm ready for a break from work, to visit friends and family back in Colorado. More than anything else I think I'm ready to just be away from work; focus on what I want to get out of the next year and be away from California. Not escaping it, cuz I know that never works, but just to be away and able to get some perspective on the things I'm doing.

Maybe the days I have here are great for perspective, well...getting somewhat of a perspective. On the other hand, I'm ready to get a view of my life that's not in my normal zone.

I hope that this New Year's, I will make goals and set determinations in place that will propel my life forward, very far forward.

Yesterday was fun! I thouroughly was tired from the shopping trip that was yesterday. Beverly Center, LaRouche PAC, La Cienaga, Santa Monica (Boystown) Strip, PDC, Melrose and back to Beverly. It was a long day, but I enjoyed the walking quite a bit. Got a good sweater at H&M, got a gift for Kwan, enjoyed the company, laft a good chunk, ate a good small chunk of delicious dessert. Way too much goodness.

I'm trying this self-confidence thing.

Yuki is quite a character: 'Fatass is like a term of endearment.'

Live from Mitsue's

I'm feeling okay. Kinda like shit, kinda like okay.

I'm *just* tired

Flat out tired. There's not much else I can say. It's been the longest 3-day week I've ever had...I think.

Saturday was the beginning of it all: *someone*--one of the students--clicked on a link they got in MSN messenger which was some majorly bad code. It dispached code which started attacking Norton A/V. In more understandable terms, think of it like Hiv/Aids. It attacks the immune system and then other, usually harmless, or quickly taken care of, viruses attack the system bringing the immune system and the body to a dead halt. In terms of computing, this 'click' is like not wearing a condom--open to all sorts of virii. Hence, I've spent the past few days dealing with all this. I'm posting from work, btw.

I'm tired. zzzz -_-!

Gaffes

You'll only get it if you take chinese..."women you lots of virus infections"

Ever feel like a child

I still have days when I wonder what the heck I'm doing...I still feel like a child; well in that bewildered way. I try to be oblivious; perhaps I'm not cynical enough, or maybe I'm too cynical. But I just feel ... bewildered.

There's an article in the World Tribune of a few weeks back...the guy giving the experience says something like There's a part of me that accepted that I could live my life fully in every other aspect but a relationship; the rest of me wanted a relationship. I think my sentiments couldn't be better expressed. I want a relationship! I also want lunch.

I haven't laughed so hard that it hurt my abs to laugh more, in oh so long. I want to laugh, like I really mean it.

It is a blue day; though today it's sunny, I just don't want to shine like it is outside.

Best diana quotes ever

Best Diana Quotes ever:

Only one so far:

"I need to change my diapers."

Reflections

Reflections:

Reading my first blogs from Froshmen year, I don't know whether I was just more honest at that point to my feelings or that now I've grown up a bit. Looking back, it seems all like a dream and I'm kinda happy that I've gone the path that I've gone on. I'm still dealing with a lot of the same issues, different facets of the same thing, or different aspects of it that I didn't ever meet back then, but I'm on my path. I'm still shy and quiet when it comes to matters of the heart, but I'm being more honest to myself--even if with others it's in denial.

I absolutely want to follow my mentor and hero...determination.

I want to enjoy my life but I also want to follow my dreams and my goals. I wnat to find someone who will understand that. Are there people who do understand that?

Sadness and determination.

Estuve en el WeHo

This has been a long, fun-filled week.

I'm enjoying just going out. I'm enjoying doing the things that I thought all people on the Coast did. (Which isn't true...not everyone goes out mid-week to party). I enjoyed myself for the first time in a while.

I want to do more than enjoy--I will get there, no doubt.

So, last Sunday, we had sukiyaki--David, Eric, Mitsue, Lisa, Brian and I. A small lil' family affair. Definitely good food, good company. Brosefs, Lisa, and Mitsue all leave after eating, Brian and I hang out for a while afterwards. Make plans to go up to WeHo for Halloween Carneval.

Tuesday comes--it was a blast!


I had so much fun--good drinks [not stiff enough...boo!] (didn't like the price, but hey! whatever), lots of people, an atmosphere that I haven't been around in so long. I was somewhat uncomfortable with the crush of people, but realized I got through bigger crowds during La Merce' and then got over it. We met at Erwin's (volleyball friend of Brian's) and took the bus down to Beverly Center. Walked LaCienaga to Boystown, and it started from there on down to Doheny (A block after Robertson). It was amazing to look down the hill and see that many people!--I don't think the promoters were wrong in saying 500.000 people would come out that night. It reminded me so much of LaMerce'. After walking the strip, try to go to Abbey--line's too long; think about doing bottellon with drinks from Pavillion's but unfortunately, line's too long. Decide to go to Rage--$15 cover. Night gets better from there! Recipe for success: mix alcohol, decent music, some MySpace/Gay.com drama-rama, dishing on 'costumes' and boys. Finish the clubbing/drinking/dancing, eat some awesome (though $4) brats/dogs and end with a walk with Alan et Mike (6 degrees'-ing it: Me-(soka)-Brian-(volleyball)-Erwin-(flip friends)-Alan-(roommate)-Mike). Nice to meet someone new everytime I go somewhere with Brian.

I was so appreciative of not having to drive back. I would've passed out!

Patience is key. I have it, some don't.