A breath, to muse upon the bsg and my life right now.

I am here. Hear me now! This is real. I'm unstoppable.
Nothing's going to stand in my way!

The wind is blowing all around me
But I'm still standing strong
My voice is getting louder and louder
And louder
So u can hear me sing my song

I am here. Hear me now! This is real. I'm unstoppable.
Nothing's going to stand in my way!

My life will never be the same
Because nothing's going to stand in my way

-Jennifer Paskow, "Unstoppable" (Finale)

Because I have a moment to breathe.

I love the SGI-USA. With appreciation for all the training I've had this past year, in 2007, I have to appreciate all my comrades-in-faith: my CIFs :P. They have more impact on me that even CEOs or CIOs or CFOs. My CIFs. Kansha first.

So, my week's been long, but oddly, I'm able to step back a bit and try to enjoy parts of my life--or actually not do BSG activites all weekend. Really September was just amazing in the amount of BSG activities I was involved in. I want others to really understand what the training of BSG is for--to really challenge the core of what you believe you are and what you are capable of. I think Sensei said that the BSG are the core of the YD and i'm beginning to understand what he means.

October is seemingly less 'continuous momentous challenge' as far as BSG is concerned--at least according to me. I'm going to be sending out an e-mail in a bit about the BSG--knowing that many of these guys want to see the performance at the festival next weekend, I actually really want to see the performance. Really, really, really. But, I know that at the heart of what it means to be in the Soka Gakkai is to do what Sensei would do is to support the members and guests at the event. To be BSG is to try and see, think, and act as Sensei would. Really, it's the foundation of the mentor-disciple spirit for many YMD and YWD.

Trivial thought of the blog: did you know that if you take one letter out of 'life' it becomes 'lie'?

My self-censored thought of the week: I don't have secrets, you just haven't asked.

My appreciative thought of the week: I am appreciative that we decided to move out of Laguna Summit when we did. Diana and I were protected in many aspects of our decision to move.

The melody in my brain goes a bit like ...

So, sanshoshima are attacking. And boy do they know where to attack.

There's pride, ego, and arrogance. And then there's my finances.

The previous apartment that I lived in charged my debit account with the regular monthly $1575 that I would've been charged, if I still lived there. I also cut a check for the new apartment's first month's rent of $595. Somewhere between rock-bottom on my checking account and even further in the red, I had a moment of clarity tonight while chanting--sansho shima knows where I am weakest very well.

I checked my account last night and to my astonishment there was negative balance in my account Actually like negative $780 in balance.

Apparently, I need to cancel that Automatic Debit.

Plus, I just saw that that rent check for the new place is about to go through. I'm headed to the office tomorrow to explain why it's not going to come through and see if I can't work something out. I'm also chanting so that I can talk with the right people tomorrow at Laguna Summit's corporate office. But i'm feeling less confident with them--looking up the information on R. W. Selby & Company on Google gives me less hope for a quick resolution. Western Property Management shows up with a better BBB score. Which looks better, on paper.

Sigh. Sansho shima, I hate you.

Lists on break

Four jobs I have had in my life:

1. Lunch bag assembler for firefighters (during the Summer of Fire in Colorado)
   
2. Car-washer
   
3. Courtesy Clerk
   
4. IT HelpDesk frontline technician
   

Four places I have lived:

1. Fort Collins, CO
2. Barcelona, Catalunya, Spain
   
3. Aliso Viejo, CA
4. Laguna Niguel, CA

Four TV shows I like to watch:

1. Ugly Betty
   
2. 
   
3. 
   
4. 
   

Four places I have been on vacation:

1. Regensburg (DE-Germany)
   
2. Granada, Andalucia (ES-Spain)
3. Zushi-shi, Kanagawa-ken (JP-Japan)
4. Paso Robles, CA (USA)
   

Four of my favorite foods:

1. Samosas & Curry
   
2. Dim Sum (esp Chicken Feet)
   
3. Sushi
   
4. Pizze italiane
   

Four places I would rather be right now:

1. Hiking
   
2. Dancing at a bar/club
3. Doing Soka Group
4. 
   

Four places I like to shop

1. H&M or Zara (difficult choice)
   
2. Target
3. Ikea
4. Urban Outfitters
   

....it's only mid-month!!!!!!!!!!!!

it's been such a long month already. I can't believe how much i've been doing related to bsg activities. diana agrees.

it's really been that long of a month.

I think i've been 'seeing' someone for almost 6 weeks now. this is weird.

as i have a moment to breathe

I'm relishing in the moment. I forgot how fast-paced the beginning of semester can be. People coming in and out, calls all the time, balancing between Dell and HCY. It's amazing that this pace can be sustained until the next summer.

Daily Tip: When you know you're getting older...(maturity?)

I'm listening to the "throw-back lunch" on Area 93 from home. I feel old. They're playing songs every once in a while that I remember as a kid listening to and singing along with. I feel older every time that happens.

time to think

It's been really nice to have time to think. I feel like i've been busy with activities, but at the same time, I'm being more and more consistent with my practice. The funk of summer 2007--the inconsistency from week to week in my practice, emotions, and all other aspects of life--seems to have receded. But, I'm realising more and more that it means that I have to work hard to make sure that it doesn't happen again.

I enjoyed dinner with Justin and Sachiko--who's spending the next few days at our apartment--we had Hiyashi ramen/chuka soba. It was good. Had pomegranate chocolate chip ice cream for dessert. Oishi! Very good.

Justin and I talked about the future of the chapter and set goals. it was nice to sit down and start planning out our thing. So far what I have down is that:
(1) Shakubuku, member care and guest care (soka care).
(2) Connect with non-student YMD members
(3) Daimoku--chanting daily and tosos weekly.

I think those are three solid areas to work on.

It's nice to really sit and think about what to do in your life--it puts things into perspective.

I received an e-mail forward from Daito a few days back as well--from Nathan G.--reporting a victory for kosen-rufu that members in SE Virginia created. I was thoroughly impressed. It spurred on my desire to help connect the guests that we've had in the past years in my district and chapter to the organization and strengthen that bond--the bond of members, the bond of mentor and disciple.

Living life patiently...confidence and patience.

j'ai fini

J'ai fini, c'est pas "je suis fini." Aunque pienso unos dias al final del dia laboral--he muerto.

Today was pretty good--at least as far as work is concerned--it was quite quiet. It's making me stir-crazy kind of. But all is good. Plans for Labor day weekend are coming together. I don't know about anything on the plans for Uyennie, but I hope those come together soon.

I would love to say g'bye to her, even if I don't see her often, it's more as if she's going to be leaving for a while and I won't be able to just call her up to go out and do something. Thus, I'm sad.

I'm realizing a lot of those people around me are leaving for other places--for their dreams. I'm happy that they're going. That also means, that there's now space for more local people in my life now too. Sad, but I now have to make more friends from around here, becoming more and more townie and not in the FoCo sense of 'townie.' (Beware! I may start making my hair look like something from DragonBall Zed, if I become too townie.)

sitting here at work on friday five minutes before i have to jet

i was thinking...

that the mountains here are beautiful, because I still get to see mountains. Though the montains aren't the same as on the Front Range and that usually you can't see them because the greenery they've installed here blocks the way and that you have smog that usually obscures the view. At least I have two whole peaks to look at, every once in a while.

Obviously, i'm starving for mountains.

It's amazing how much your life feels different when your practice is regular and when it's not. it's like building upon quicksand or building upon bedrock.

on one hand, it's nice to make jokes. on the other hand, wit can be a time-bomb which bites your ass when you least expect it.

things, things, things!

So, i haven't written in this for a long time.

A combination of doing a lot of things leading to an intense July and travelling back home for early August.

Lots going on, but not much movement. Some moments in the past 6~8 weeks have been pure bliss and utter tiredness. It feels like my life has grown in ways I can't explain yet, or may never be able to. At the sametime, I'm feeling like I'm losing grip on what I'm aiming for.

One thing that was inspiring to me--considering all the chatter that has been going on in the SGI about the Second Act of Global Kosen-Rufu--is what it means to have my own Second Act. I was reading the Human Revolution at home and one of the characters had a realisation about herself--that she complained alot to her leaders about members or fellow leaders. She made the determination to stop complaining about the people in her life. I want to make that a determination for the "Second Act" of my life as well.

I've turned 23 this year. It's an amazing time to be living in this world--for both good and bad. For the bad, we can turn on the television and see how bleak the picture is in our world. For the good, you turn to your friends and see the hope that they have for their own futures--even if they can't explain what they are.

Hmm...stuff to ponder...and write it out.

songs that have recently infected my dancing mind

michael gray - the weekend [again, lest we forget about barcelona's plethora of men dancing to this song]
michael gray ft steve edwards - somewhere beyond
bob sinclar ft steve edwards - world, hold on
bob sinclar - love generation

Amazing

"Therefore, it is no longer acceptable for anybody to compromise their dreams. It is no longer acceptable that you just accept suffering as your reality. You know, and sometimes, it's subtle. Sometimes, It's subtle. You know. It just seems like maybe things aren't changing. So we can easily fall pray to just buying that this the best that it's gonna it get. This new departure is a new departure for every single one of us. to wake up the faith of a brand new member inside of us. To look at the gohonzon with fresh new eyes of possibility, to really seak out our mentor. To study everything that he's writing right now trying to teach us the amazing power of our faith. to study the gosho. And I think it means also, that we will support each other in faith, support each other in terms of really being there and encouraging each other to never retreat, to never give in to any obstacle and to realize what president Ikeda said in March of this year, he said, "sincere earnest prayer is the quickest route to accomplishing anything." Prayer is the source of our strength, prayer is the source of our power. So it's really returning to prayer, not the strategy of our head first, the strategy of prayer first. and that when we really pray sincerely for, what do i need to do to change this problem. that wisdom is inside of us, it's always has been. but it needs that sort of sincere prayer." -Linda Johnson 2007.6.24. Amazing!

Two weeks later

All I can say is that I appreciate succinct-ness. The graduation was a success. The timing was great as far as the Behind-the-screens groups will think. The invited/keynote speaker was dry, but interesting, and also the students were awesome as B9 rocked the house. I was emotional and I'm feeling unable to process my feelings.

I'm sad to see all leave. I don't know how it will be that we all will meet again--and I guess that's where I leave most of my feelings.

To the class of 2007: you are forever in my hearts as a sexy, vibrant, and great class. I know some feel as if there were some problems unifying, but, from the outside, I think you guys understand each other on a deeper level and don't have to worry about the cliques. I am in awe of your collective intelligence. I wish you guys the best, I'm forever in support of you guys. I have learned so much from you all and I can only wish to repay a little bit of the much that I have taken from you.

It's difficult to say goodbye, for me the words never come out. Please know that you had an effect on me. I will always remember you and I will never give up on you.

Mushy brains

I saw this and had to post it somewhere. "Homophobia: the irrational fear that fags will break into your house and redecorate it against your will."

314. exhausted

I don't think I've been this tired in so long. Enjoyed myself as much as I could at Masako's going-away party. I hope that I'll see her again soon. I love the family atmosphere at Soka Gakkai meetings. It's always those who are most supportive you see, of course, but at the same time, it's comradeship--in challenging that which you doubt can be challenged--that really makes the feeling whole and true.
I'm attempting to do what I haven't done in so long--chant a lot and chant with feeling, meaning, and purpose. The chanting is so that I feel, make meaning, create value, and have purpose in life. I'm feeling in a rut. I need to challenge all that I can.
Throat hurts, will try to get to work without any incident. Thus, I sleep now.