31.12.03

Happy New Years!

Happy new years! )as of yet, in japan, australia, malaysia, new zealand, phillippines( We'll be partying pretty soon here as well!

Not much to talk about.

Today I went to lunch with a family friend and my obaachan. We went to Mt Fuji, the japanese food place by Best Buy and that whole Harmony/Troutman complex near College. It was a good obento. That's another thing I miss when I'm at SUA. There's a whole slew upon a slew of good restaurants, or at least decent meals and the like that are good around here...but those aren't avail in AV. )argh(

Yesterday, met a cool lady and her husband, who are members here in the FC area, down south, in the Huntington Hills (yah know by Paragon Point, Southridge Golf Course; ok ok, so near the intersection of Lemay and Fossil Creek Pkwy, around 5000-6000 address wise on Lemay). They're a nice couple; and the lady knows John/Jay Marzullo, the OC SGI Region leader. Super cool! She practiced from her Kotekitai days in FL, moved to SoCal, and then to NorCal and then here. So she's been to all the cool places around here and there.

Between yesterday and last Saturday, I didn't do much. I went shopping at the Flatirons, near 120th/Boulder Turnpike on Monday (i think) and that was cool. I got a couple of cool chokers, and went to Borders and got some books. I should really get to reading those soon!

I finished the Redwall-series book I was reading. It was pretty good, and now I want to read another. So, I'm using that energy to try to read _Les Miserables_. I only read a short part (the Priest's Candlesticks) in French, and saw the movies (both in english and french). So far it was good, I'm just kinda daunted by like a 500pg _abridged_ edition.

Oh well,
so far nothing exciting
Tomorrow's the new year!
Happy 2004!
27.12.03

Ho hum...

Home is ho-hum, pretty much.

I went to hockey today, that was fun. Afterwards went to silver mine and Pan's. Silver Mine was good, grilled chicken sub, warm! Yum! At Pan's I avoided that pizza and had the garlic cheese bread. Oiishiii!!! (datta!). T'was good.

After that, we went to Miah and Sarah's. Watched all of american pie and then came home and promptly fell asleep. It felt good to fall asleep; thought that maybe I was getting sick, but now I feel better, so I KNOW that i'm not.

Now I know that I should know this, but the air is thin up here. Only a few thousand (or 5 thousand) feet higher, and I haven't done any work out in about 1.5~2.0 weeks, but still, i thought I was in better shape. I guess not, D'oh!
26.12.03

Funerals are weird...

I don't know what to do at a christian funeral... I mean I'm already a buddhist, what else do u want me 2 do...function in a judeo-christian-amoral world?!?!?!?!

Ok, so it's not that bad, but I've never been to a funeral before. EVER. And the service is too quiet, they say celebrate the love and life, but there's no celebration. Tears are good, but accompanied by grief only is something I don't like. I think all the asians in the place (about 7) threw off the people who were there that actually knew the guy. But we were there to support our buddy Dale, who asked us to come. So we went. Maybe, t'was a bad idea for me and my bro to go to a funeral. :(

Then there's the thought that within the next 2-3 years, one of the people in my IB class will probably tragically have died somehow or someway. That's a scary thought, and maybe by the time we're 25 we'll have known more than 5 people who were in the same class as we were in school, will probably have died as well.

As I reach towards 20 years old, the prospect of life being a constant cycle of death and rebirth, starts to make more sense to me as well.

Hmm...in buddhism: the concept is that at every breath, one is reborn again. It is that we'll eventually die, but only in our physical form; our spiritual form: soul, won't go away; it's just resting. Unfortunately, it seemed like the people there didn't subscribe to that philosophy as much. :
Oh well, g'night!

a night of little rest...and much anticipation

And no it ain't Christmas, that was yesterday.

Last Samurai was so awesome, I had a dream with Tom Cruise in it; and NO, not THAT kind of dream!!! (Though, I wouldn't mind it if it came my way.)

And I have









Field hockey tomorrow.

Partay! Ok, well actually Sleepppay!

G'night!
25.12.03

DVD Lists

(4) Forrest Gump
(A1) Philadelphia
(A2) Angels in America
(5) One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest
(B1) Last Samurai
(B2) Hero

Hoy dia...maybe it was P-hat

Phat...phat...phat. (no not "fat"...F-ah-t, though that's going to be totally read wrong :| - grrr). Tee hee hee.

Today was fun...it doesn't really feel like christmas, I notice, the more you get older. Maybe it's a maturing thing, maybe it's the buddhist thing, but Xmas is just not Xmas anymore. I hate people who don't shorten it, though, if you think about it as a holy holiday, it is quite disrespectful.

I saw Last Samurai today. Whooweeee, watch out world, we japanese are apparently die-hard fighters. Though it was still an "American-goes-to-an-exotic-location movie" I still think that this one was a good flick; go see it! If you haven't already, that is.

We're looking for places to find an Activity Center!!! Whoohoo!...too bad everything seems a bit big or just a mite small for our tastes. I'm hoping that we'll get exactly what we need.

Ok, I have to pay back the parents $550 for insurance! Hmm...they're giving me maybe 1k, I should probably return that so I feel better. Plus May Contributions AND Zaimu for the SGI, I think I'll be flat broke before I even get back to school. I also want to save $75 per paycheck for my spending money for Spain/Argentina.

Where am I going to go, I still haven't looked at the websites yet. I'm really worried about the place I may go. I'm not so sure, and I'll be back on campus soon. Only 12 days left and I still have to study Chinese when I get back; I'm forgetting characters, and some grammar.

This'll be interesting getting back into school; I'm already starting to stress about it!

Lists of what DVDs I need to get: suggestions accepted, use that dang comment thingy on the bottom!!!
(1) Pleasantville
(2) October Sky
(3) Apollo 13
24.12.03

The day remains unfulfilled

It is such an unfulfilling day. I don't know how I managed to do anything with all this time open to do stuff back here. I haven't seen a soul other than my family. I mean it seems that no one is out in the neighborhood; probably still out shopping :D !

I guess it's time to go out and see those people that I know around here. I should, but it's Xmas Eve, I doubt that there'll be many people around. Maybe a movie tonight; perhaps.

Instant messaging should be banned from SUA

It's such a hamper to living. Though, it's nice to be able to "talk" to people online, you don't get the same effect as actually talking. I can see why people can be disgusted with it. Hmm...just a random thought.

Whoa! New blogger!

~~~Interesting
23.12.03

Home...with internet, finally!

I got home, yes, yes, it so seems that it took me more than 4 days to get home, but that's just blog-time for ya.

The internet isn't working on my laptop, i get a connection, but i only send packets and don't recieve any. Isn't that weird for ya?

I can't believe how much i missed this place. It's nice being home with plush carpeting!!! Not that crushed crap with like a half-inch of padding beneath it. Gyoza and foods are nice, but oh did I miss being able to eat at 9, 2, and 7, (and maybe 11). Along with a dinner at 5. It's nice being back home. People know you, you know people. I just wish that I didn't have to go shop in about 10 minutes after i finish this blog.

Thanx to ED, ATaka, and RK for dropping me off at the 'port. It really doesn't take 3 people to take me, but I'm going to miss them thouroughly. Heredia/Costa Rica, Nanjing/China, and Beijing/China, is where all those people are going. I'm going to miss being with all three of them for the next year, but I know that they have to go and I have to go.

I forgot how fanatical people can be here in CO with their practice as well. But it's nice, it's nice to know that people here have a stronger faith and stronger ?intuition?. Sensei is coming next year. Or so they say. Until he steps foot on the US, I won't believe it. But, I'm sure he'll be here for the entrance and hopefully for graduation. Graduation is so important for me, i'd rather spend the last few months of the '05 class with them, than the first of their last few months.

I can't believe I've been back for 3 days now...it don't seem right that I've been back this long, and still haven't seen anyone yet. Maybe tonight I'll be able to go out. So far I've been to the Denver Culter Center twice. And that's about it. I saw a lot of people down there at the DCC, but no one else really in the FC.

It's near christmas and, now I'm gonna go shopping!
20.12.03

MSNBC - Ghostly image at Britain's Hampton Court

MSNBC: "Creeeeeeepy"
17.12.03

www.AndrewSullivan.com - Greatest Hits - Homosexuality

www.AndrewSullivan.com
16.12.03

In harmony with my mentor...i shall fight.

Does what I do create value?

14.12.03

Things are better after a good nights sleep.

Things always feel better after a good nights sleep. I know that...

The piles of shit i enumerated before are still there, but I think I have some focus right now.

I can't think about much right now other than finals and papers, yet i'm so frustrated that I can't focus on those things. I need a break! My brain hurts. I need to get some perspective. Life, could be better, but I'm glad that I have my SGI members here and my district. They're always comforting and supportive. They are my family here.

I can't remember how it felt in my home district, but I know that the feeling of family here is stronger and warmer.

I worry about what this place will be like once the pioneering juniors are gone. It helps that we're getting our leaders from last year are coming back from Study Abroad. But still the majority of the juniors are leaving for their study abroads. We're loosing a lot of the central Pearl staff and we haven't created a solid group of central people, yet. It will happen, but I'm less hopeful right now. I'm glad that Nathan is becoming a part of the fold and it sounds like Tetsushi is interested as well. I know that there's going to be people coming back, I just want the freshman to take a lead and I don't know maybe I just don't trust enough that it'll happen. Maybe my expectations are too high and I'm not setting realistic expectations that the froshes will be like the group that is the central pearl staff now.

I dunno i'm just being stupid and should do my homework. I just needed to get this part out.

I'm going to miss all of you juniors.
13.12.03

what has my world come to?

I don't know exactly how I'm feeling right now. It feels good to start feeling something right now. I just wish I had a fucking clue as to what exactly this feeling would be called.

(There goes the automatic laughing - shirking - defence mechanism.)

I don't know what I'm feeling, it's a lot of anger over my apathy today. It wasn't bad apathy I did manage to get stuff done; mostly stuff dealing with The Pearl. We finally published and it looks GOOD! I don't know why it's bothering me so much, but for some reason, I feel that I wasted a day away. It's a bad place to be. I haven't had a really consistent practice for the last month or so with so many things asking for my attention; mostly classes. Classwork has become more and more last minute.

A lot of what I'm feeling is a bunch of shit coming up from the past, a bunch of shit from right now and a bunch of shit about the future.

So where shall we start? About the past? Good, it's my ride, you follow.

The past shit.

There's a lot: be warned!

Ok, so mabye I'll start on the next line.

So, this shit of which I've been talking about for a while, what is it? It's a lot about my feelings of abandonment. I don't know exactly why, but i have a big fear of abandonment. I want/need/seek things that stay nearly exactly the same. I also have a destructive tendency in my life, so at the same time, i'm trying to find something that's impernament, that's also what i crave for as I'm trying to find something permanent.

This has resluted in a lack of any sexually-involved relationships, and many many superficial friendships. I'm afraid of the change and afraid of the possiblity of abandonment. Therefore i have a high standard of who i'll even onsidere dating...if that. Then, that makes me question my self worth. Shit number 1.

Shit number 2.

A lot of my shit comes from hiding and not finding a let-out for what i'm feeling. I'm deathly afraid of speaking sometimes. It's a fault of mine, I know, but I don't want to dominate a conversation, like I know I will if I'm allowed to let everyfuckingthing that i have in my mind go. I like that I'm able to choose some of my words carefully. But back to the emotions part. Ihave so much fuckedup stuff rolling around in my mind and I'm afraid to let it out, it' just endsup staying bottled up in my brain. Therefore I can't find a let-out to let any steam off. I'm always feeling like I need to have a good scream and, yet, I can't find any real reasyon why I should feel that way. I feel so fucked-up because of not being able to let-go and let steam out.

Shit number 3.
Why am I like this? Is a constant question that's always haunted me.

Shit number 4:
My horrible self-image is not helping me along with getting a better feeling about myself. I really want to change my dieting habits but I can't do a great job here. I want to work out, but not being able to this morning made me so cranky and shitty feeling that I don't know what to do. I feel like today I've been floating around JUST FUCKING BECAUSE i wasn't able to do my morning workout. Usually it's nothing that's that critical. But i feel so out-of-sync that I really needed something to be consistent...which of course nothing has. As you can tell by my bloggin' habits as of recent, i'm being very inconsistent with things.

Shit number 5:
Why can't I feel extreme emotion?

I can't remember the last time I really had a break-down or a long cry. I can't remember. I don't remember. It must have been something like when first moved to the 'new' house. That would be no more than when I was in second grade. Could it have been that long? I remember telling myself as a child once that "I wouldn't ever let myself cry again." I guess my determination came true. I don't remember the circumstances around that, but something in the core of me was affected enough that I didn't ever want to cry again. I don't care what it was, but I want to cry, i want to laugh, i want to be able to live life FULLY.

Shit now:
I have somany fucking things that I need to od, but I really don't feel like I have any time to do anything. It probably is from my attitude and my need ot do some exercise and reinvigorate my body and myself. I just need a fix of endorphines. I have angst I'm trying to use it for a good cause. I'm dead tired, I feel dead tired and all i really want to do is go home and use some avoidance techniques. I also need a release valve or something for all this pent-up stress. I really need to start playing field hockey again. I just need something. I feel like I'lll explode if I'm not able to play sometime soon. Mostly I just need to be able to feel like I'm "normal".

Wu said something today that made me realize how much I still have to change: it went something like this: "Being at soka makes your weaknesses come out; if you don't change them here, then you're not really doing well here." Also, in the newspaper today, Kraus's thing about college actually being about working hard makes me realize how much harder I can work in my studies. I do so much shit doing nothing, really like nothing and going to bed early; I have all this energy (you can see it in my inner-tubular stomach) that is waiting to be used, I can really friggin use it~~~!

Shit for the future:
My crew, my brainiacs aren't going to be here for the next 6 months at least and probably a year. How will I be able to get through my days without ellie, ann, jess, sammi, and allie? I don't exactly know how. And that scares me. I'm afraid of how I'll be once I'm alone with really just myself and a few of my neighbors. Will i turn hermity and all that shit and deal with my stuff...will i become happier. What will happen to me, myself, and I when these most important people in my life leave me here for a few months. I know it's not the end of the world, but it does make my future less clear.

Shit 2: I want to become a stronger person, but I can't even maintain something consistent, what does that spell for the future.

So i have a bunch of shitty emotions welling up...muck muck muck.
9.12.03

Rocky Mountain News: Education

Rocky Mountain News: Education: See, I thought the Federal Government couldn't regulate much of anything in Eduation at all...

angels in america fucking rocks!

It's that frigging good! Meryl Streep is awesome! And the gay, republican, mormon guy is cute too...though in a weird way.

Top 10 movies, ever. (09|12|2003)

1 Amelie
2 Bowling for Columbine
3 Angels in America
4 Ronin
5 One Hour Photo
6 Philadelphia
7 Forrest Gump
8 Contact
9 Princess Mononoke (Jp: Mononoke Hime)
10 Bend It Like Beckham

...Did I forget nething? (Comments Below)

Is it normal...

To be thinking about this much sex?
To listen to what your head thinks and then regret it later?
To stop and think for hours on end about nothing really?
To want to feel something that you know will only come with experience?
To not shut-up and start living?
To ask questions you already know the answers to but to refuse to see them?

I think I'm ok with the idea of sexuality, of being sexual. But why does it bother me so? What in my life, what in my karma is it that gives me this utter fear of sex, the act of sex, the act of anything sexual, the act of something sexual? Is it just my karma to have been born in the land of judeo-chrisitan backgrounds, or is it something in my soul, in my past, or could it be my real personality? What is the cause of all this?

What is it about full moons and midnights that always make me think; too much.

8.12.03

Eminem’s anti-Bush lyrics weren’t meant for public...

Eminem’s anti-Bush lyrics weren’t meant for public
Not so much anything interesting, except for the last paragraph on the thing about Eminem.

Andy _Creates_ drama! ugh...

I'm just being dramatic everybody!!!
6.12.03

whatever it is...i need to kick it into gear!

i don't know what to do...i'm lazy. ugh.
5.12.03
Hmm...Liberal?
(grin)
4.12.03
I could say that I feel good, but that'd be a lie.
I could say that I feel crappy, and that's a lie, too.
My world is crumbling.

I live in a land of the half-dead, half-alive.
A wall of squares sits in front of me,
Illuminated only by a few lights. Here, there.

A man passed me on the street and assaulted me.
A man talked to me online and assaulted me.
I told them to "get the fuck away!," nicely.

I deserve to be spoken to as more than pleasure.
I want to feel love, feel loved, and give it back.
Isn't there something better?

27, HAH! More like, 16!
"What is age? Just a number!" a girl told me.
She would be able to tell me what to do with a stalker,
If this one becomes one.

Life begins with me, not with someone else.
Life begins now, not yesterday.
Life begins now, not tomorrow.
IF I didn't feel so crappy, I'd be happy...
From AV take the SDF towards LA, continue on the SAF towards LA, when you get to the junction of the SAF, HF, and SMF, take the HF towards LA/CC, get off at GAve and make a (R).

Get it?
As i sit and listen to the song that's on my WinAmp right now that goes:
"There's a time for peace, a time for fighting / a time to live, a time to die / there's a time for getting low n down / there's a time for getting high..."

I can't help but wonder what it is about our culture that makes us want to distinguish, differentiate, and discriminate, even things we can't really control: i.e. time or at least the movement of time. This hour (60 minutes / 3600 seconds) is for bla bla bla, and this next 1800 seconds is for bla bla bla number 2. Ok, and eat lunch for bla bla bla seconds, can't go further than bla bla bla + bla bla bla seconds. Things are due, but why make it so difficult to live, and not care about time, but truly care about people and lives?

Then,

Do I think like other people think? I am totally out there in thinking this way? Critically all the time thinking about something, or nothing. Always thinking about something else, when i should be thinking about what's in front of me?
Dreamed, Dream, Dreaming:

So I had an interesting dream rigt now right before I awoke.

It dealt with yet another, scary situation, where we (My brothers and I) are being chased by a huge rat-like/dinosaur-monster that kills everyone that my group is in. So we're being chased around an ice castle or something like that by this rat-like dinosaurish kinda thing; I think I'll name him "Chompy". I'm afraid the whole time. I can't not stop thinking about what those people felt like when they were dying. Either way, I keep on running and my brothers are also with me. We find a way to appease the dinosaur. We're in a kitchen and somehow we're able to speak with Chompy, and I don't know how it happens, but we get him smaller and smaller, until he's a manageable size. I think first we put him in a freezer and, apparently the colder Chompyis, he gets less active, less bitey, and smaller. So, we, or at least I, think that's fine. We put him inside a aluminum thingy full of eggs and then throw that in the freezer. We think that's fine, or so my two brothers think it's completely fine. The second brother tries to close the door and it doesn't close, only half-way. So I tell them to find the door that matches. Neither do it. They're both confident that it'll hold, a piece of aluminum that is. So, eventually, of course, I'm proven right, I even say so! Chompy gets out and then starts to jump around monster-like, lands on me, and then starts to nibble into me by my stomach. Then I wake up.

Totally interesting dream. I was genuinely afraid in the dream, but I don't know if I'm like that now that I'm awake.
3.12.03
Long time since I've written, perdoname, por favor.

There's not a lot to write for me, mainly because there is no state of crisis: mental, physical, or emotional. I have caught a flu or cold, maybe even the FUJIAN flu. Yum, this oughta be good.