29.12.06

At home in Colorado...

I'm back in Colorado.

An hour and fifteen minute delay at John Wayne Airport, but not bad. The drive on the highway was a bit bad, but I wasn't driving. I gave out all the omiyage for my family.

I think I've done all that I can do in the house--I've watched TV, sat in front of the fire, did sansho in front of the gohonzon, I'm connected to the internet, I've eaten lunch...now that's about it, isn't it?

I guess it's time to put out the feelers and see who is going to be doing what over New Year's eve/New Year's day.

Thoughts on television: things are different in Colorado. The men are hot! Oh my god, I forgot how sexy some of them look. One of the things is that if you have a 'white boy' fetish, this is the place to come...cuz most of them are young.

Walked in to Target after the airport...I felt as if I was still in Aliso Viejo...without all the minorities; Target--the same damn layout.

I enjoy 9news...cuz it's real news, even if I'm sick of the weather coverage...already...you know I've been home for about 2 hours now, and I'm sick of the weather coverage. I guess it started yesterday though...for me. :P

Oka enough for now...
28.12.06

家雪、家行き?

Just thought that that was funny. Slightly.

I'm worried about whether I'll get home. Snow is in the forecast, but so far United hasn't cancelled my flight for tomorrow. Neither has America West for David's flight.

The wonder of snow. I await you.

Why aren't there any songs of revolution, of compassion, of friendship in the US? In that respect, I enjoy Japanese music. Nostalgic songs--to hometowns, to families, to whatever it may be--are seemingly more commonplace and more popular in Japan.

Lack of appreciation? Lack of history? are these the reasons for this occurence?

I wonder about the US sometimes. I feel as if I'm losing faith and hope in the country I was born in.

Faith seems to be lacking in my life. I'm ready to go home and throw the towel in on this year. But a part of me, some part of me, says don't give up, even now. I want to make something happen. I want to light things on fire! I want to change shit, and blow up. I want my life to blow up...not in the suicide bomber way...but in the way you hear a song blow up on the radio, like that damn James Blunt song, or The Fray! I want my life to BLOW UP!

Struggle, it is in happiness I find struggle. I don't know if that makes sense. But I feel strangly attracted to that way of saying it.
22.12.06

Belinda - Ni Freud Ni Tu Mama

New video to post to you...only to prove my current addiction to electro-pop/electro-rock.

Lo hago por mi yo soy asi
10.12.06
9.12.06

La Sopa Esta Super Calda

The soup is super hot! I should've slurped it a bit more before I swallowed the soup.

I have no clue what it is that I'm watching on IFC right now. Human Nature. I have no clue really what the heck is going on with this movie.

Spent the day yesterday ordering up shit in my life. You know what it's like when you've just been living in your own shit for so long that you just got used to it? That's what it's been with the mental, word vomit, not-believing-in-your-self shit that I've tolerated. Poision I tell you, but you can change poision into medicine. I want to continue with it.

Omg, they're having a rom in the hay on screen. I'm only feeling slightly uncomfortable right now watching htis movie with Mitsue.

God, I would love to be with the man I desire right now. Just to kiss, to lick, to get nasty, just to be.

I'm quite adoring all of the farce on the TV right now.

The Real World: Denver?!?!
Do I like it? Yes. I'm glad they 'dealt' with racial issues on the show, with a tinge of weirdness in the aftershow. It is weird to have the image of three caucasians 'discussing' issues of race and racism broadcast to you via MTV. Episode 4...hmm.

Adam and Eve stories...what what?

"I need to make sense!"
"I speak. I speak!"

Paraiso perdido? En serio? De veras?

"Adeu, Layla. Te llevo conmigo en el corazon."
2.12.06

Up next! Word Vomit and Mental Poison

Act 2, Scene 1 Monologue--start the emo kind of music, this is a word vomit kind of blog.

When we last saw Andy and his friend, they were eating brunch at the Original House of Pancakes finishing up breakfast. Andy is now sitting in front of his computer at his workplace.

Today. Only today.

Why does it matter? Why does it always feel like I'm inadequate? Others seem to have it so easy, or at least, easier than I do. Who is it that really has it easy? By easy, I mean, they're happy, truly happy, like on the inside bursting out of them? I cannot see it in anybody.

"I trust everybody, I just don't trust the devil inside of them." Is that the right thought? Trust, whom do I trust? Whom shall I trust? What shall I trust?

I'm a bit tired. My life needs some rejuvenation. I'm craving something, I just don't know what it is. That says it all, doesn't it? We always want what we never get.

Love, Passion Valour?

Feelings are alive, up, down, around, twisted, fucking up. My mind and heart are spinning round and round and I'm getting sick. When I say to myself, "I'm a buddha," I get sick to my stomach.

Motivation is down, stocks are down, life is down. Not out, not done, just down. Happiness is,at the moment, just a faint glimmer. Snakes. Suck out the poison and spit it out.

This morning, when I tried to think of what I can appreciate in my life, my mind was blank. First time in a while. Motivation is down. Appreciation is down. Which caused which, I don't know.

Dismal-ity; dismal-ity; dismal-ness?

The world rejects me or I reject myself?
Sigh.
My heart spins faster than a flywheel; my brain is just along for the ride.


Break. NEXT!

Consumerism is bothersome. I like giving gifts, but sometimes I feel pressured to give gifts to people. There are gifts I have given in the past where I didn't mean it. Just because I didn't mean the full sentiment of what I said doesn't mean I shouldn't, right? I'm dealing with not a life or death situation here, I'm dealing with a life or ... shame situation here. If you do something and don't really mean it, why do you do it at all? Is it so that you can get a sense of satisfaction? Is it because it's really you yourself who are getting the satisfaction out of it, is I guess what I mean. Stepping outside of the box, outside of the self; I want to support those around me and do that genuinely. No matter what it is that I may have to offer up. My life, is that what it'll take?
26.11.06

life less excitng

i'm looking forward to goin home for new year's. I didn't think I'd say that a few days ago. I'm ready for a break from work, to visit friends and family back in Colorado. More than anything else I think I'm ready to just be away from work; focus on what I want to get out of the next year and be away from California. Not escaping it, cuz I know that never works, but just to be away and able to get some perspective on the things I'm doing.

Maybe the days I have here are great for perspective, well...getting somewhat of a perspective. On the other hand, I'm ready to get a view of my life that's not in my normal zone.

I hope that this New Year's, I will make goals and set determinations in place that will propel my life forward, very far forward.

Yesterday was fun! I thouroughly was tired from the shopping trip that was yesterday. Beverly Center, LaRouche PAC, La Cienaga, Santa Monica (Boystown) Strip, PDC, Melrose and back to Beverly. It was a long day, but I enjoyed the walking quite a bit. Got a good sweater at H&M, got a gift for Kwan, enjoyed the company, laft a good chunk, ate a good small chunk of delicious dessert. Way too much goodness.

I'm trying this self-confidence thing.

Yuki is quite a character: 'Fatass is like a term of endearment.'
24.11.06

Live from Mitsue's

I'm feeling okay. Kinda like shit, kinda like okay.
22.11.06

I'm *just* tired

Flat out tired. There's not much else I can say. It's been the longest 3-day week I've ever had...I think.

Saturday was the beginning of it all: *someone*--one of the students--clicked on a link they got in MSN messenger which was some majorly bad code. It dispached code which started attacking Norton A/V. In more understandable terms, think of it like Hiv/Aids. It attacks the immune system and then other, usually harmless, or quickly taken care of, viruses attack the system bringing the immune system and the body to a dead halt. In terms of computing, this 'click' is like not wearing a condom--open to all sorts of virii. Hence, I've spent the past few days dealing with all this. I'm posting from work, btw.

I'm tired. zzzz -_-!
21.11.06

Gaffes

You'll only get it if you take chinese..."women you lots of virus infections"
19.11.06

Ever feel like a child

I still have days when I wonder what the heck I'm doing...I still feel like a child; well in that bewildered way. I try to be oblivious; perhaps I'm not cynical enough, or maybe I'm too cynical. But I just feel ... bewildered.

There's an article in the World Tribune of a few weeks back...the guy giving the experience says something like There's a part of me that accepted that I could live my life fully in every other aspect but a relationship; the rest of me wanted a relationship. I think my sentiments couldn't be better expressed. I want a relationship! I also want lunch.

I haven't laughed so hard that it hurt my abs to laugh more, in oh so long. I want to laugh, like I really mean it.

It is a blue day; though today it's sunny, I just don't want to shine like it is outside.
15.11.06

Best diana quotes ever

Best Diana Quotes ever:

Only one so far:

"I need to change my diapers."
13.11.06

Reflections

Reflections:

Reading my first blogs from Froshmen year, I don't know whether I was just more honest at that point to my feelings or that now I've grown up a bit. Looking back, it seems all like a dream and I'm kinda happy that I've gone the path that I've gone on. I'm still dealing with a lot of the same issues, different facets of the same thing, or different aspects of it that I didn't ever meet back then, but I'm on my path. I'm still shy and quiet when it comes to matters of the heart, but I'm being more honest to myself--even if with others it's in denial.

I absolutely want to follow my mentor and hero...determination.

I want to enjoy my life but I also want to follow my dreams and my goals. I wnat to find someone who will understand that. Are there people who do understand that?
12.11.06
Sadness and determination.
4.11.06

Estuve en el WeHo

This has been a long, fun-filled week.

I'm enjoying just going out. I'm enjoying doing the things that I thought all people on the Coast did. (Which isn't true...not everyone goes out mid-week to party). I enjoyed myself for the first time in a while.

I want to do more than enjoy--I will get there, no doubt.

So, last Sunday, we had sukiyaki--David, Eric, Mitsue, Lisa, Brian and I. A small lil' family affair. Definitely good food, good company. Brosefs, Lisa, and Mitsue all leave after eating, Brian and I hang out for a while afterwards. Make plans to go up to WeHo for Halloween Carneval.

Tuesday comes--it was a blast!


I had so much fun--good drinks [not stiff enough...boo!] (didn't like the price, but hey! whatever), lots of people, an atmosphere that I haven't been around in so long. I was somewhat uncomfortable with the crush of people, but realized I got through bigger crowds during La Merce' and then got over it. We met at Erwin's (volleyball friend of Brian's) and took the bus down to Beverly Center. Walked LaCienaga to Boystown, and it started from there on down to Doheny (A block after Robertson). It was amazing to look down the hill and see that many people!--I don't think the promoters were wrong in saying 500.000 people would come out that night. It reminded me so much of LaMerce'. After walking the strip, try to go to Abbey--line's too long; think about doing bottellon with drinks from Pavillion's but unfortunately, line's too long. Decide to go to Rage--$15 cover. Night gets better from there! Recipe for success: mix alcohol, decent music, some MySpace/Gay.com drama-rama, dishing on 'costumes' and boys. Finish the clubbing/drinking/dancing, eat some awesome (though $4) brats/dogs and end with a walk with Alan et Mike (6 degrees'-ing it: Me-(soka)-Brian-(volleyball)-Erwin-(flip friends)-Alan-(roommate)-Mike). Nice to meet someone new everytime I go somewhere with Brian.

I was so appreciative of not having to drive back. I would've passed out!

Patience is key. I have it, some don't.

OMG!

Really enjoying this song right now!
30.10.06
Manu chau, man. That's where it's at.

The soundtrack of my life is positive right now. I don't remember ever feeling this positive in my life, on the inside. With some people, you know they feel the ups and downs, my emotions follow a snail-paced ride over foothills. These past few weeks have been weeks where I feel on the up and up. I have nothing other than the Mystic Law to thank for the happiness in my life. I still have sadness that comes my way; however, I feel secure in my identity--as a buddha, like I haven't in so long. I want to enjoy this feeling forever, knowing that I know I will face futher challenges in my life. It is without doubt that I will face challenge. I want it, crave it, need it, just as much as I need shelter, water, and food. I want to challenge deeply, not broadly. I want to tackle all my situations, attacking them to the root cause, the core. I am a buddha, it will be so, son.

My challenges at the moment: work, health, district and chapter responsibilities, positive growth and thought.

Sensei, thank you.

Life, the universe, the mystic law, and Nam-myoho-renge-kyo are one in the same. I am trying to have faith in that and take actions from there.
29.10.06
"Today is the day from whence I shall step forth and challenge all in my life."

I want to share this spirit with everyone. Encourage them to live by it as well. I want to have faith and take action as well. I rested well last night and I've had a good day today. I want my worries to propell me to something better.

I still have yet to figure out what it is that I want to do with my life. Talking with Daito yesterday on our way up to Santa Monica WPIA made me realize, what my calling may be. I'm slightly afraid to say that I may be working in the wrong field right now. Urban planning seems to be something that will continue to entice me in the future. Human rights, civil rights are both things that I want to help with. Is what path I'm setting myself on right now the same path I want to be on?

I have to study more. Soka spirit is meaningless. Daito was critical of the relationship that G. Williams had with the priesthood--in terms of Soka spirit issues. I want to be such a person who doesn't bend to those "devils" and "demons," those who are secretly trying to destroy the SGI.

I want to be loved, but perhaps I have to learn to love myself first. Appreciating what it is that I do posess and striving to better myself in the areas where I am weak. Love is something that we all seek. Some are more loving than others, but love remains the same. The question of the week is: "is it romance or bro-mance?" I struggle with the answer within myself. Asking this question with out already knowing my own, remains yet a precarious one for him.

Clarity. My grandmother is going to undergo surgery on Tuesday. I'm going to take a sick day and chant for her during the surgery and before it. My grandmother's surgery and her health is weighing on my mind. Don't know what I'd do without her. She is the anchor of the family and she is someone who's still seeking out kosen-rufu. Treasure her and memories that I have of her. Noticed last time I was home how much she seemed to have aged; caused me worry while I was there, but now I worry more because I'm becoming awayre of *her* mortality. At the same time, I'm more awayre of my own.

If all goes well and there are no complications with her surgery, I will also head up to West Hollywood for the Hollywood Carneval that night. Excited for the Carneval, though still with out a costume; furthermore, unsure about what 'it' is hence worried about hurt feelings.

I'm feeling much more contented with work. Although I complain a bit about the students...only a bit ;)...I do treasure them. However, I must be clear about expectations and responsibilities. This should be a great training opportunity for these students' futures. I hope they know it. Sincerity in work is amazing, laziness and slack and lack of resolve is absoutely horrid. I want to be able to encourage the student who feels unable to learn or blocked from it somehow to see that they are able to learn. Thinking of Ms. R. specifically in this case.
20.10.06

Science of Sleep

I think this movie describes me in, oh-so-few-hours. Hell, I think I'd like to be half as sexy as Gael Garcia Bernal, then I'd be really, really sexy. A perfect sycronization of my reality and the silver screen. I spend my day sleeping, dreaming. How do you explain what goes on in my life? I want to find someone who creates as much as they can. Can. Creation. Stream of consciousness. Yashasvi, Shalini is in India working for an HR firm where she is undergoing the reality check of post-grad life. Yash is in Japan living it up as a Study Abroad student. Gael Garcia Bernal, who has absolutely nothing to do with Yash, is a magnificent actor and a sexy one at that. There's a guy from my hometown that's going to be named, or maybe he was named, as Cosmo's sexyest guy. He's going to be on their cover, question mark? I wonder what. I looked up his data on the internet, apparently he's a townie, a good looking one at that, I wonder if he worked at Best Buy, ever? He's 26 and white, tanned, but white. Good looking. Very good looking. Proves my contention that Coloradoans are probably the best looking euro-white people in the US. I mean, we produced a "Bachelor" and now a "Cosmo guy." Heh, and that's just my hometown! Heheh. I love reality TV, I mean in the way that I hate it. God, it's such a guilty pleasure. Pleasure...heh heh heh..devil horns go up. Where is my life going?

Combini's are probably the best thing in Japan...actually there's so much about Japan that is "convenient," convenience stores being perhaps the most convenient of them all. Oden probably would be my favorite part, well it's either Oden or the racks of straight porn right near the entrance of the store...in plain sight. Japanese men are weird! Wait, men are weird! and I am one! So, I can prove that we're all weird. Crazyiness is something that afflicts all of humanity. Spaniards I think are keen on that. There was a crash on the Metro in Rome several days back, or maybe two, I wonder how the people who were injured in that crash are getting along now. Europe, and maybe even France, perhaps at its center, is something that I'd like to explore more of. This movie that I watched with Gael Garcia was realize par un directur francais...j'pense. Je ai pas lu sa biografie, mais, le film et realize par CAnal+ et le setting fue en Paris, creo. No se, quiza fue otra ciudad de Francia, pero parecia ser Parigi. Io non ho caputo tutto del'film, mai pensava che questa film e super.

J'ai faim. J'ai sommeil. Ce soir, je voudrais boire un petit vasse de l'alcool. Je voudrais plus practiquer le franccais, yin wei, j'ai oublie n grosse partie du franccais que j'avais aprendu. Yo no se si sera posible, pero intentare estudiare le franccais plus. Pour quoi voudrais-je apprendre plus? ou c'est re-apprendre? Je me sentirais plus encore plus desole. Et je l'haine etre plus desole. Je vencerai sur la desolation. Mais, je pense que ma franccais maintenant parece muy espanyol.
18.10.06

Snow Patrol

} 18 October 2006 {

I love these lines: “For once I want to be the car crash / not always just the traffic jam / hit me hard enough to wake me / and lead me wild to your dark roads

Headlights show it all before me / so beautiful so clear
I will reach out and take it / Cause I’m so tired of all this fear
My tongue is lost so I can’t tell you / please just see it in my eyes
I’ll pull the thorns from our ripped bodies and let the blood fall in my mouth”

And another set...

“I don’t know quite how to say how I feel / Those three words are said too much / they’re not enough”
14.10.06

To live or not to live...that is the question...

"Shakespeare in the Park! Bullshit, how about Shakespeare in the apartment!"

Alas poor Andy, I knew thee fairly too well. Whether tis nobler to suffer the slings and arrows of queer persecution or perchance to sleep, rest, live and love, crash and burn.

"--No one's gonna save me, love.
--The whore's can come, Trixie.
--Love!?!?"

I love the series Deadwood. I may wax philosophical about a lot of things, and wax philosophically about a lot of things that aren't that philosophical, but I do have to say today I feel well.

"Being the Peanut Gallery"

Last night I went out. Amazing for me, I know! Went to the Boom Boom Room in Laguna Beach. It's a quaint lil place, but close. Better than slashing through the 5 and 10 freeways at 9 or 10 at night to get to weho and park for 20 bux and another 20 at the bar and 20 at the club. But anyways, I think I've neglected my queer life for so long that I forgot who and what that was. I love the psychology of gay bars. There's nothing finer and more fun than being the peanut gallery. Uuuuuu! There's the 40-something surfer guy! Oh and the older white boy with his Asian/Hispanic (take your pick) twink boyfriend! Oh, and look at the adorable daddy-son couple! Umm...take a look to your left, at that cop-ish thing! The best friends, the guys making out with each other at the bar during the wet underwear contest, ahh!, la vie c'est fantastique.

"Amargo Adiós"

Asi' que no tengo tiempo para hacer un post en mi blog de espanyol, lo hare' aqui'. No se' co'mo deciroslo pero siento super alegre y super contento. Estar ayer en el club gay con pista de baile y bar musical fue algo como hacerme orgulloso de ser gay, o sea, estoy ma's seguro hoy en mi' mismo que ayer. Aunque se' que hay gente a quie'n no se aplica eta generalizacio'n...como los que no tienen vida fuera de los bares y los clubes pero existen para ellos. Pero no los juzgo, no soy juez.


sé que es tarde ya / para pedir perdón / sé que es tarde ya y lo siento / termina nuestro amor

si ya nada funciona contigo / el intento no va mas allá / no me pidas dale tiempo al tiempo / no puedo esperar

si la culpa fue tuya o fue mía / el saberlo ya no servirá / no me pidas que sea tu amigo / te aseguro no funcionará

solo unos minutos te pido / voy a ahorrarte tener que explicar / diferencia entre novio y amigo / cuanto tiempo puede funcionar / y con tequila pretendo olvidarte, / mis amigos y esta canción, / porque sé, que siempre, /que siempre es amargo el adiós.
9.10.06

¿Aún exsitía?

"the past has gone, the future is not here, the present is what you can change..."

I don't know how to live in the moment and still be focused on my goals. How is it that one keeps their head up looking at one's goal while still knowing what to do at the next step? Having kept a regular running schedule the past two weeks, I'm slowly learning how to physically do that, the periphery vision of one is quite good at noticing things, not identifying things...I don't know how many times I've stepped in some dog's shit the past two weeks...but at least now I'm getting to the point to look at the brown blobs on the ground every once in a while.

"L'olimpiade"

Fatti forza è la vita sai che ti sfida / Ti invita a duellare con lei / Forse vinci e mollerai / Magari invece riderai / E sbagli e affoghi ma poi riuscirai / In questa grande olimpiade / Di me, di te, dell'anima!

I run. I run. I run against myself. Isn't it sad to realize that the self I run against is better prepared for the race than I am? That he's had hours, days, weeks, months, and years more training for this race? That he's had time to rest-up, that all he does is prepare himself for this race? He's better prepared and I've got my fat ass to chug up the hills, around the bends, and through the forest of my life. Nel mezzo del cammin di nostra vita... in the midway of this our mortal life...

Dante and Tiziano Ferro is such an odd mix.

My head has emptied. I will write more in my paper journal tonight..perhaps some thoughts will be posted tomorrow as well.
7.10.06

“I feel fine.”

I’m not into ‘casual’ dating. I am in love with someone who is. I wonder how it is that other’s go through the same suffering I’m going through. How do they cope? How is it that they overcome their suffering?

I have my answer to that: throw your sadness and suffering aside, work harder at what it is that you know will create value in your life. It’s not a new answer, is it? I don’t think so. It seems to me that that’s a lot what Ikeda Sensei did as a youth…whatever challenges he faced, he brought it back to the Gohonzon and used it as inspiration to deepen his faith in his innate Buddhahood. I want to do that as well. I want romance! I deserve romance! I want to have my buddhahood recognized. I want to recognize my buddhahood and that of others as well.

“Suffer what there is to suffer…”

"Sufre lo que tenga que sufrir, goce lo que tenga que gozar. Considere el sufrimento y la alegría como hechos de la vida y continúe invocando Nam-myoho-rengue-kyo, pase lo que pase. ¿No sería esto experimentar la ilimitada alegría que proviene de la Ley? Fortalezca su fe más y más." Nichiren Daishonin.

In my SGI responsibilities, I want to be able to support all the YMD district leaders as much as I can. I hope that I can show this to my district leaders. How can we create American Kosen-rufu? I want to be able to encourage so many people to do their human revolution that these districts pop. How do I translate this desire for American Kosen-rufu into something tangible? How do I affect others to also challenge this desire for American Kosen-rufu? Sensei has created Japanese kosen-rufu and world-wide kosen-rufu; I want to respond to his desire for world-wide kosen-rufu by creating the formula for OC kosen-rufu and American kosen-rufu.

I’m best prepared for it: I have a basic understanding of “Japanese culture,” of “Hispanic culture,” of “American culture.” I lack understanding of people and of the “OC culture,” Of this, my co-leader, chapter leader, Brian Wansolich, I think has a better understanding. SUA students can fuel this American kosen-rufu, we can work toward the goal of American Kosen-rufu together. Suffering what it is that we are suffering, enjoy what it is that we are enjoying but none the less considering suffering and happiness as facts of life and continuing to chant Nam-myho-renge-kyo no matter what happens. When we do that we will experience the unlimited joy from the law. We shall strengthen our faith more than ever.

I have a mission to work toward setting the formula of American Kosen-rufu here in the OC, in Laguna Niguel, here in my house, in my community. I want to know how it is I can contribute to the wide flow of Kosen-rufu. I wish to be the person who pushed for so many ideas, for so many things.

I realize that I need to study the culture of this area, intellectually and experiencing it as well. I want to develop a life-state that can translate this desire to understand into creating bonds of friendship throughout the county of oranges.

“Gay Republicans!”

I couldn’t image what it would be like to be a gay Republican. I recognize that being a gay Republican would be the second most difficult thing a gay man could do after being a Buddhist ;). I think one who agrees to the ideals of the Republican party—I’m talking Ideals here people, not the actions—is someone who is upright. Though to be forced to work in a place where you’re asked to compartmentalize your life is something that is unbelievably horrible. I hope that these people can see breakthroughs in the Republican party. Those who work for the ‘gaying’ of the Republican party are my compatriots in living a fully gay life and I hope that they can see the breakthrough in their party. I empathize with that life…I’ve lived it. Those who work for an open-minded Republican party are ultimately worthy of great appreciation and thanks.

http://www.nytimes.com/2006/10/08/washington/08culture.html?ei=5094&en=a13a3dac6d27c8cb&hp=&ex=1160280000&partner=homepage&pagewanted=all

22.8.06

Quiet night

22 | August | 2006

All play and no work make Jack a poor boy.

It’s been a while since I’ve written something. I don’t know exactly why I didn’t, but I’m beginning to see that I’m busier. Things are starting to get a lot less plannable. In my detail-oriented mind, it makes it slightly harder to work with. Heh heh heh.

I read guidance from Sensei from his mentor, Josei Toda, that everything should be well planned, well in advance. I sadly only follow this guidance in my work, and only for certain projects. I’m feeling that right now where I’m most ‘lost’ in terms of the work area, is how I exactly fit into the role I’m in. I have a few projects in mind that will hopefully work themselves out. Right now though, I have a slight amount of shoten zenjin in my co-workers and a few sansho shima among them as well. I won’t name names, but most people know who makes my job easier and who makes my job more difficult. It’s difficult to respect and encourage those who make my job more difficult, but, in the end, the rewards are there. I just have to believe in the rewarding part of it to make the difficult part a bit easier to palatate…heh…new word!

I need some time at work to just let out my thoughts.

Today, I was able to just go out and drive. I did that yesterday as well. I’m a much more happy person for that. It seems like a long time ago, but I went to pick up Chester’s computer from the FedEx Freight Station up in Placentia (near Anaheim), yesterday AND today. On the way back down yesterday, I drove the 133 down to Laguna and then took the PCH down to Dana Point. I traveled that little bit of the PCH down here in South County I’ve never been on before. Tonight, after dropping off Ko-chan and his ‘wife’ at SUA, I drove down Pacific Island Dr from Alicia Pkwy and then took Crown Valley Pkwy to the PCH and then Niguel Rd from PCH to the house. All the while, I was listening to Jazz-FM, which plays trip-hop/acid jazz, ambient, something very ‘night-time-car-driving’ kinda music. There’s something to the Incubus song “Drive.” Something about having the windows open late at night, when you just want to sit and think, or to just be alone letting the day decompress and be absorbed that helps to just feel better about yourself.

Do you ever get the slightly burning, slightly scratchy feeling on your tongue?

Slowly, I’m bittersweet about hearing about all these people who are in Boulder/Denver area. I’m first envious of the prices they’re paying for housing. Second, that they can live there and go to school there. Third, that they can be in a place that’s close to my heart.

Talking with TwoTings last night made me realize how upset I am over the “white privilege” that so many don’t realize they have. We talked about the organization Focus on the Family, arch-conservative Christian organization, that supports one-man one-woman version of marriage. For some reason or other, to me, the concept that this same certain sense of narrow-mindedness that informs this view somehow extrapolates to a very narrow view of what a ‘family’ is and what it means in Colorado to be ‘normal.’

Somehow all these concepts are linked in my mind. I don’t believe it to be a direct point-to-point link; however, it seems that the concept of privlge is mixed in with the marriage thing. This organization also seems to have a very limited idea of whom they represent (e.g. WASP Middle-class Americans). Which also makes me itch with rage.

Anyways, life goes on. I’m currently ready to pass out, so for tonight, I shall finish.

19.8.06

I live...I breathe.

I'm doing some human revolution. Humanism. is. what it's all about.

Love is. Life is.
Learning is.

Thoroeau:
16.8.06

albert

I would like to confirm my existence for those who have asked.

"I'm alive I'm alive...there's nothing more to it."
10.7.06

I want to

I want to blog again!
22.6.06

Yum!

I'm going to go to shower. The USA-GHA game is on...but right now, do *you* think the US is going to win? Oh...and I just love the "Guiness Draught" commercials...not. I feel 'moded' post waching them. ITA-CZR(?) hmmm...just started. I should go shower and get ready for work.

What is nihilism? Do I believe in something similar? What does it mean to be a "humanist"?

Thoughts out scribbled.
20.6.06

flowage

Talked to Allison on MSN last night. Flowage was the keyword. Flowage with respects to going out and dating and the like. Been on a couple of dates. F. the Korean. That's his pet name for now. He's got a pet-name for me...mochi. Flowage is how the things are just working for me with boys and men...and bois. I'm content right now to just let it 'flow.' Maybe that's cuz I don't have any crushes right now. It works for me. If a date leads to heavy petting...yay! If it's kissing...yay! If it's staring at each other ... yay! If it's akward silence ... yay? Heh that last one may or may not be perfect but hehe...'tis a learning experience.
15.6.06

Well...

First thing to report/let everyone know about: I got a job in IT! I will be working towards world peace in the IT realm. Let's see what happens from here on out.

Second thing: the World Cup is starting to tear at my heart--the games so far that have most impressed me for whatever reason, and some commentary afterwards:
(1) Brazil v Croatia: Brazil is always awesome to see in the World Cup...actually ANY SINGLE ONE of the players on the Brazil side are fun and awesome to see play (Especially Ronaldinho...the way he can touch the ball is orgasmic!); however, Croatia--and more than anything, their fans--were inspiring. I know that sport is war and often the sides are confused, there's many things about Soccer and professional sports are dislikeable. However, watching the Croatian fans was inspring; cheering throughout the game, being their team's "12th man" was ... just ... awesome. Congrats to Croatia's side. I seriously was turned on by watching the game--not for the guys--but for some weird reason, I felt amazingly attracted to this 'beautiful game' just watching it on TV...even if it's ESPN.
(2) Spain v Ukraine: a blow-out on the Spanish side, people are talking about the underachievers getting their dues. Perhaps, perhaps not. We shall see, but it was awesome seeing a 4-0 result.
(3) Germany v Costa Rica: awesome to see just a balls-out attacking offence-based effort on the German side.
(4) Tunisia v Republic of Saudia Arabia: Until the last minute each team was working it. Amazing to watch players play a full 90 minutes plus stoppage/extra time. Plus to see Saudi Arabia win a match--a first in a long time for them--was amazing. Watching talented people makes me want to become even more talented in the areas I can. If I can put the same amount of training and effort into my job and my activities...I can be on the same level as those footballers out there on the pitch. Or so I hope.
(5) Mexico v Iran: What can I say...i don't know the exact reason why, but this game seemed interesting to me.

What an awesome World Cup so far, it's been exciting--perhaps it's the new ball or perhaps it's for a more aggresive style of play--but it's been EXCITING! Wow, I don't know how many times I've gotten chills watching a match. I wish I could share some of this excitement with others, alas, I can't. Only a few other people seem to understand and I'm not watching it with them.

Tomorrow is Sweden-Paraguay (Gr B), Eucaodr-Costa Rica (Gr A), and England-Trinidad/Tobago (Gr B): let's see how Trinidad/Tobago can do, eh? They were quite awesome in their first game.

I can't believe it's only the Group Matches and I'm this fired up about the World Cup; I can't wait for the Round of 16.

USA? All the way?

No probably not. But USA has the capability to do well in this World Cup--sad to see it didn't come out versus the Czech Republic, I hope they can show their true talent as a team versus Italy.

Third, I remember what it is now that made me angry when I was home. Agitated and impassioned. For the first time in my life, I felt as if I was a stranger to the community in which I was born and raised. I never felt like that before. However, when the checker in the supermarket line chit-chats with the people in her line and ignores me; I feel invalidated, for one reason or another. When people look at me, in the fucking supermarket, not speaking a word, and dismiss me with their eyes, I can feel either empowered to change my karma or I can feel as if I'm less than they are. I feel both...it's such a weird feeling. Perhaps. I want to change the wolrd to become a place where people aren't pre-judged by the color of thier skin; repeating the words of MLK Jr..."I have a dream that one day my children won't be judged by the color of thier skin but by the content of their character." This is my dream as well. That my children--even if they aren't of my blood, or even that they are the next generation--will be judged by their words, actions, and deeds rather than what is on the outside or what is illusory and phenomenal (vs metaphysical). I want to see a world where people are taken care of, from birth to death, where they are encouraged to explore their feelings, where their knowledge is tickled, pushed, poked, prodded and asked to excel, where people can challenge themselves to their fullest, but know that they have had a chance to start as an equal to everyone else, that there's not a sense of "priviledge" that remains unseen by the priviledged, but that "priviledged" is all and not just a few or a minority. I want to make this imagined world a reality--maybe not in my generation (what ever that means) or several generations from now--but I want to see that I've sown the seeds for this transformation of the Earth. I will become that which pushes the growth of the world toward this direction.

Fourth and perhaps most important of all is a realization I've been having over and over in my life and I'm ready to change it, again! I want to change aspects of how I relate with the people I have crushes on. I'm changing it...bit by bit...however I want to understand what's at the basis of my suffering, what I can do to change my karma, what I can take from the sufferings I go through and use that to help others in changing their own karma. What is it that I exist for? What is my mission?

My answers, I know are all above. I see it. Now it's a chance to put it into action. I'm chanting tomorrow and until forever that I can complete my mission for the day and put my life into doing Kosen-Rufu, doing my human revolution, making world peace happen.

Nam-myoho-renge-kyo. I hope to change the world for the positive.

Nam-myoho-renge-kyo. I hope to stand up against injustice.

Nam-myoho-renge-kyo. I want to contribute to everlasting world peace/kosen-rufu.

Ellie, I read your blog and I have to say, LET'S GO! I want to go to a drag show with you...the all-male revue even. I'll GO GO GO GO GO!
Allie/Ann, Miss you guys a lot. I don't think I can make it in August to Japan...who knows what will happen in reality; however, I will come visit within the year you guys have left as ALTs.
Jess: Nice talking, the 4400 doesn't beat "House," does it?
Uyennie: I wish you could've been at Izakaya at Honda-ya.
Pili: thanks for coming out with us. I had a nice time tonight and thank you for being there, just around. Perhaps you're the best straight male friend I have.
Chester: I'm glad to have met you at SUA. You're a stand-up guy, who probably won't read this at all. Heh...just included it, in case.
Brian: Thank you for listening to me tonight ramble on about Colorado...I realized a bit today about what I want to change in this world, and it was sparked by you just listening. You probably won't read this either, but hey, I'm thanking people so.
Lisa: Thanks for being one of my biggest supporters since day one. Best friend around you are and I appreciate the things you do for me and I like even just listening to what ever it is you say.
Hiro: Thank you for coming out to dinner tonight, great conversationalist you are...at least at making sure people around you are talking.
Lili: I love having you around. You are someone who I don't feel that I ever have to censor myself, I can speak freely. You are special. We'll work together on the Pearl for the future of SUA.
Diana: Bueno, tan poco tiempo que nos hemos conocido. And yet, I feel that we are sisters or brothers from the past. Something I will never forget about you is the time we went to Santa Monica. Crazy as it was, and as it still remains in my memory as such, I love having you around. Especially with your partner-in-crime, la Loca.
Kajal: I appreciate your gestures in support. I may have been wary of why or how. However, I know that you are a true friend. Thank you in so many ways.
Diana: Maa ne, you're not around. I will see you soon.
Juju, Tinki, and Momo: Horino sisters, honmani arigatou. Thank you. I don't know what it is, but I bet we were siblings in some other life time. I know that you guys have a lot of troubles inside your family--for different reasons. Kedo, you guys always enlighten me in the more crazy side of life that I always fail to experience.
Derekku: Arigatou. Friendship lasts, grows, changes, and yet, we're still friends...even if the major cementing of our friendship was in NYC...and that was an experience...wait you already know that...heh heh. I can't say thank you enough for supporting me either. Thank you. Thank you.
Akechan: my fag hag. Awww...I'm so happy to have one. I know that it's difficult to be away from things you know and understand and yet, you seem to be flourishing in a place far from home, but with fellow students who are trying their darndest to grow and flourish where they are as well. see you in July...since I'll be here!
Lisa Mac: Awww...the big sweet heart from texas. It could also be spelt the big sweetheart from Texas. I'm missing you and all your lovin' even if sometimes the love is spiked with spite. I absolutly wish I could become as beautiful as you are in sweetness and care.
Rekha: Your intellect and mine could rule the world...one day...far off in the future...perhaps. Kedo, I appreciate you're warm homey feel. You're set to be a great care-taker of the world--by feeding each person in the world your faaabuuuullllous Indian food. Arigatou. Honmani arigatou.
Kaori: though you may be a bit fearful at times, your sense of what is right and what is wrong while still maintaining an understanding of gray, is inspiring.
I have many more people to thank and give appreciation to. I wish I could do all of that right now, but here is what's poured out of my heart right now, because these people are on my minds. As for tokubetsu (special) thank yous there here.
Sanae and Michael: Thank you for providing me support in the past week and a half. I can't believe that there are still people out there who will support relative strangers in any way they can--even opening up their houses to these people. You have a profound sense of trust and a profound depth of warmth in this family. To your still-unborn child's health, longevity, and future!
David & Eric: My brothers--I can't ask for different brothers--that'd be insane. But, I can tell that you guys were chanting for my happiness and my future job. It happened to be I.T. I want to say thank you in so many ways. However, all I have are words. Arigatou. Xie Xie. Thank You. Muchas Gracias--os agradezco mucho.
Obaachan: Honmani arigatou gozaimasu. Obaachan no daimoku ha hontoni tsuyoi kara boku ima Souka Daigaku ni shitogoto surerun desu yo. Honmani, sen man oku (times) arigatou. Kansha.
Mom & Dad: Thank you for your daimoku as well. Without you guys I am nothing. I am indebted to you guys in many ways, financially is one, but in so many ways as well. I will take care of you guys throughout your life (your lives).
11.6.06

Some men confuse me...

My ex-boyfriend for example. But I knew he was an enigma.

Other people...crushes for example...can be perplexing as well, and more than that the relationship that is maintained with them.

I want to change that relationship. I want to change that karma into something positive. Changing Poision into Medicine.

Cherry, Damson, Plum, and Peach. You betcha.

In case of Emergency

Go to Gay Pride celebrations. Remember that there are various people out there that are gay: the lipstick lesbians and the drag queens to the dykes-on-bikes and straightest-acting of them all. There are three-beer-queers and hoes. Damn, as many colors as there are in the world, there are that many gay men and lesbian women. In honor of Pride, especially considering it's the biggest hook-up day of the year...or night, I salute all the gay men and women throughout SoCal...live life unafraid of what may come to you in retaliation for being 'out, proud, and who you are'...live life creating value in your life and relationships...live because you know your life is precious and has ultimate superior value because it is ... life.

Keep a positive mental state. It helps when you have three drag queens behind you two muscle-bound road-blocks...ahem...men in front of you, three friends beside you, and a hell of a lot of cars going west on Santa Monica.

Today was a 6 of 10 kind of day. Not perfect, but not bad either. Want to improve on that. Let's do it again tomorrow.
9.6.06

So, I haven't heard anything from IT or HR

About the job. Armando said that there'd be a decision made by end of week, (today). It's already 6pm and no news. No news is good news right?

Anyways, I'm now going to be in a state of 'wait and see' for the weekend and few days after that. I'm assuming it's a difficult decision for all of the team making the decision so, I assume that it's gonna take a while. Anyways, I'm just hoping that things will work out well for everyone.

Today's been a lazy day. I can count on one hand the things I've done: (1) watched the first 2 World Cup games; (2) been online; (3) waited for response from HR or IT; (4) listed to music; (5) oggled the DS lite online. So, I shall increase my stuff done today by at least 20% when I go out in a bit to do some shopping...maybe even 40 or 60%. Hehe.

I've got a meeting tomorrow, Gay Pride is this weekend in LA. Looking for people who want to go up. Perhaps Derek. Maybe other people who are around. Amy said she was interested. Kamo~ne~.

Uhh, nothing much else is going on. I've been applying to jobs on Monster.com and Dice.com. Thanx to Pili for the advice on Dice.com. Heard back from no one, Chester sent me an e-mail from a guy that contacted him. I'm gonna respond tonight with my Resume. Still looking around.
7.6.06

Well...cali is....umm...nice.

Hey, so being in Cali is nice. I'm staying at Sanae-chan's house with her husband. Both of them are awesome. I'm on my best behavior and trying to do my best to help them out around the house--but it seems like there's little I can do: either there's not much or there's not really anything I can do. Hence, it's a bit weird. Kinda like being with family but not. :P.
4.6.06

Oh yeah...and

One of my friends here, has taken his last chemo treatment, as therapy for cancer. He's planning on doing the LiveStrong challenge in Boulder...that's 100 miles in a day. I'm chanting for his success in September. Would you guys want to pray for his safety and health on this challenge as well? His name is Jere Schattie and I saw him for the first time in a while and it's nice to see that he's doing well...considering he took his last treatment on friday! Anyways. Just another note.

I'm going back to cali

It's such a weird thing to be in the position I am. I'm happy that I have all these awesome people here to support me; I have a lot of support from all over.

I want to thank another Andy: Andy Kim. He's helped me alot, i don't know if he knows it, to remember to respect my parents. I'm happy to have him around in the West Zone.

My determination right now is (1) to show appreciation to all those who've supported me in whatever way throughout the past four years; to show appreciation because I've had such an awesome experience in seeing the depth of my life and (2) to find a job that suits me in the place that I need to be to grow further.

I'm taking action toward that end right now: going back to Cali, looking to see if I can get that job at IT that Chester and I are both working toward.

kansha : ganxie : appreciation
1.6.06

Appreciation

I've been looking at photos from the past four years and I'm finding that I have done a lot since I've left my home. I've been to four different countries: Mexico, Japan, Spain and Germany; made many amazing multi-talented friends: Monica, Lisa, Robi, Erika, Shalini, Male, Shin, Chester, Koichi, Silvia, Kanika, Diana, Ceci, Jess, Ann, Cassie, Ellie, Allie, Uyennie, Kwan, Pili, Ryo, Phat, YukoS., Koji, Moana, Shikha, Nathan, Emily, WuLa, Vicki, Derek, Tinki, Utsumi, Lisa, Julie, Jeff, Amy, Emily, Michael, Lili, Anna, Gigi, Okachi, Haruka, Kajal, Koichi Y, Isamu, Vincent, Edinam. I've seen the sunrise while writing a paper and seen it with friends all in the comfort of a living room couch. I can slap people's hands silly in games of cards and I can write a 50-page Capstone senior thesis. I've driven the Pacific Coast Highway and I've driven through the shantytowns of Tijuana. I've found out that I can do a lot more than I thought I could, but that I have limits to even those "lot mores" that I want to break through.

Looking at all this, I have a deep sense of appreciation to my friends, my parents, and those who supported SUA in whatever way they could--professors as life-long teachers, staff as support in what we do, administration--to make sure that there's staff there to have the university function, donors as life-long founders of the university. I bow in deep, reverent respect to those people who've affected my life.
26.5.06

Back in Colorado

I guess I should just let everyone know at least that.
9.5.06

Maybe this is a late realization

So, I'm realizing what "power" usually means. The ability to make a decision. You are free to make a decision in your life to push for something or push for something else. You are also free to not make that decision as well. This is power at its base. In terms of politics, that means whomever makes the decision is the one who holds power. Thus, in the EU--the power "belongs" to the Member States. In Spain, power is "shared" between the Communidades Autonomas and the National government. In a company, the person who makes the decision is the one that has the most "power." What's beautiful about a lot of life is when you can learn to share that "power." Democracy, ultimately means that you have to be willing to accept a reduction in your "power" so that you can come to a decision to which more people can agree.

Hmm....procrastination is fun. How are y'all? Send me e-mails to my gmail address it goes andrew.reker (*at*) yada yada yada, y'all know the rest. Happy to be seeing you guys soon!

OMG!

http://www.albinoblacksheep.com/video/multitouch
8.5.06

First post in a while

I will graduate in so short of a time. I will be graduating on the 21st. It's the 8th...uhm, that's like 13 days. Before that I have to finish writing my capstone, which is due this friday--four days, essentially. Diana is sitting next to me in the Neighborhood Cup freaking about capstone and I'm slowly writing mine--like usual, procrastinating mine, to the last minute. I can now see why it pays off to do a lot more work in the beginning of the process. I wish i could've written precis of the readins I did, I think I would've had a more analytical capstone. Sigh. Moment that was lost.

I went to Ashes and Snow yesterday. What an exhibition! I hope all of you can see it--if you're around the LA area in the next week. It closes next Sunday. I may go up again on Friday--after I've turned in my Capstone to see it. It's worth a second look, I think. Anyways, I want to take Jeff to see it.

Jeff's supposed to be back tonight, from FNCC. His flight comes in in about two hours and I hope I can get a significant chnk of my Capstone done before he's back. I imagine I won't be doing much except talking to him about FNCC and his experience. I also want to finish all of my Pearly stuff tonight. To be done with it and have it to Chelsea tomorrow morning. I also want to exercise tonight sometime, but I'm not sure if that'll happen--I'll just go tomorrow morning instead.

I still haven't told mom and dad about Jeff and I. I want to call them tonight as well, but they may have to take a back seat to my Capstone for the moment.

That's what's going on in my life right now. I'm sure there's more, but I can't detail all my life on this blog every entry, can I? It'd just not be worth the time.

anyways, here's to renewed spirit of bloggin.
8.3.06

Happy 8.000th day-birthday

Here we are 8,000 days later. Happy Birthday Andy!
26.2.06

So...

Hmm.

So I guess, I've neglected to tell y'all about the biggest pieces of news I have in my life. One is that I'm dating someone. It's someone I've talked about on here, but we're not telling anyone yet, or at least, we're not telling everyone yet...so I can't say anything. There's a bit of a spark between us and I can already tell that I'm growing.

And the other one is that I've got a job in China, provided I graduate on time from SUA. It's working in the same place that Junko is currently at. I'm excited!

The weather has taken a turn toward the middle, so I'm just like...what do I wear?

I'm glad I got those things off my chest. At least, i feel that they're out there.
23.2.06

I feel more calm than I have in a while

Hey all,

So, I've not blogged for a long time. I'm starting to feel very unmotivated...it's this whole capstone thing. I heard great news from my parents today: they officially opened the Activity Center today--the FCAC is awesome! Anyways, they weren't expecting that many people to be there at the opening for the AC, but for the two meetings, they recieved somewhere around 120 members and guests. I'm so excited to hear about the Activity Center's opening in the Fort. It's been a dream of my family's. Heh, I remember when we first moved to our current house, we joked that we will take the church at Lemay and Drake and make it our Culture Center. Now, I don't know if that's going to happen, but I also know that we are on our way to that goal/dream/impossibility.

In other news, I didn't sleep until about 3h30 or 4h00am and then proceeded to wake-up around 7h00am. Even so, I've been very content throughout the day. A moment or two here and there with odd hunger pangs throughout the day, but other than that, I've felt quite well for not having slept so much. But, I need to go to bed soon.

I'm worried a bit about my friends around me. I know that it is February/March, the traditional SUA month for depression. You know, it's partially all the winter-y weather, but at the same time, the goals stacking up unrequited, as well as added pressure from Capstone/classes/midterms, and I hope that all will get through it gracefully. I know that that's not going to be the complete truth, but I'm chanting for you guys' health and y'all's happiness.

I also have to chant a lot as well. I'm not able to though, sometimes.Hey all,

So, I've not blogged for a long time. I'm starting to feel very unmotivated...it's this whole capstone thing. I heard great news from my parents today: they officially opened the Activity Center today--the FCAC is awesome! Anyways, they weren't expecting that many people to be there at the opening for the AC, but for the two meetings, they recieved somewhere around 120 members and guests. I'm so excited to hear about the Activity Center's opening in the Fort. It's been a dream of my family's. Heh, I remember when we first moved to our current house, we joked that we will take the church at Lemay and Drake and make it our Culture Center. Now, I don't know if that's going to happen, but I also know that we are on our way to that goal/dream/impossibility.

In other news, I didn't sleep until about 3h30 or 4h00am and then proceeded to wake-up around 7h00am. Even so, I've been very content throughout the day. A moment or two here and there with odd hunger pangs throughout the day, but other than that, I've felt quite well for not having slept so much. But, I need to go to bed soon.

I'm worried a bit about my friends around me. I know that it is February/March, the traditional SUA month for depression. You know, it's partially all the winter-y weather, but at the same time, the goals stacking up unrequited, as well as added pressure from Capstone/classes/midterms, and I hope that all will get through it gracefully. I know that that's not going to be the complete truth, but I'm chanting for you guys' health and y'all's happiness.

I also have to chant a lot as well. I'm not able to though, sometimes.

Kali: I see you! Shaking that ass! :D
Allie: How cold is it now?
Ann: Birthday wishes your way.
Ellie: Yay! for so many things, you need to call me.
Jess: Thank you for the call. It was very very happy b-day. I'm hit by cupid, of course...agin.
Cass: I hope you can get your stuff soon...but I'm a lazy ass. Let's see if I'm not too bad about this, I'm in my own personal private sado island...ish kinda thing right now, so it maybe nearer may when you actually see anything. :S.
All 05ers: love you guys and you are getting even more respect from me as I go through senior year.
15.2.06

Willie Nelson releases gay cowboy song -- Queer Lesbian Gay News -- Gay.com

I love Willie Nelson, he's ... comedic? ... cool.
10.2.06

PCSCs

Wow!

Some personal records...I think I dropped 5 seconds on a couple of my races today. Not half bad.

Shite!

Hmm...
29.1.06

Blast from the Past

I just looked at one of my blogs from September 2003. Wow! I don't know if I've changed that much. But I do have to say, I know I feel different than how I was feeling then. I felt quite different then than I do now. Yet I don't know if I've progressed to the better.

Ellie: Wishing you well with the pee and the poo!
Cassie: I can't believe you were worried!
Jessica: Can I come live with you if my plans for other stuff fall through? And what happened to your world domination plans?
Ann: Hmm...I wish I could've visited you. You don't have any genetic mutations from your bout with that nasty Japanese virus do you?
Pili: Your cooking; wonderful!
Uyennie: Longtime no see. Well, not really. The kids, O! the kids! How was the last day for the 'young one'?
Allie: Hmm...still digging out?

Others who are visiting this website: let me know, you may get a personalized message posted here.

I miss you guys

I miss Jess, Ellie, Ann, Allie, Cassie, Pili...though not so much Pili since I see him about every week...and Uyennie, and MO'M, and Mitzi, and so many others. I am comforted knowing that you guys are 'trailblazing' out there--you know finding jobs, learning about the world outside of the university, all that kind of stuff. While I sit here where I have friends, but you know nothing like those friends you shared that first (or I guess for y'all, second) year at SUA with. There's something--a certain kind of bond that exists between the first and second classes. I miss having you guys so close. I guess I'm kinda getting a taste of the real world here. My lifes-long friends are so far away, well most of them are at least a 30-minute drive away, and I only get to see them for a few days outta the year. Wow.

I'm getting over it...I'm learning about myself. Still.

We had a major chinese new year's dinner tonight. Yum! Gong xi fa chai! (Gong huy fa choi!) [Happy (Chinese) New Year!]
25.1.06

Many many things




Sorry I haven't blogged in a long time. I had a crazy, crazy girl come stay with me. Just kidding! I loved having Ellie over...it felt like 'normal' for a moment, except that Jessica, Allie, Ann, Sammi, or Cassie weren't here. Sigh.

Afterwards, I've been back into my routine--Swimming, Eating, Classing, Exercising (for swimming), Working, Studying, Sleeping. Sigh. That's a bit depressing looking at that list. I've still yet to do much for capstone. My motivation is low for that.

While things are not looking upwards right now, I'm rather content. I have a rather happy moment in my life right now. I guess that's the effect of having friends here...especially ones that are so happy and energetic.
19.1.06

Post No 733

Wow, It's been a long time I've had this blog.
9.1.06

Day 14


07 January 2006

Today was a full day too.

I woke up late, ate some breakfast, showered, and did most of my packing in the morning and had lunch.

I went to visit my grandmother (my dad’s biological mother) at the old folk’s home. She has mild Altzheimer’s disease—which means that she basically remembers things from the past, but she has no concept of time passing—she doesn’t remember my dad visiting just a week or so ago. When we went to visit today, the way she was acting, it seemed like she (a) didn’t really want to see us and (b) saw us for the first time in a while. At her age, I think she has been through a lot and I had to chant a lot in my heart that I could say something. I don’t really know what to say to someone I’m not sure will remember I’m there. I’m not really sure what to say to people who are older than say 70 years, except maybe my obaachan, but that’s because she raised me. I want to be able to make others feel at ease, but I don’t know how. I was somewhat frustrated when I was at the old folk’s home. While there, as well, I realized that I don’t want to live in an old folk’s home. If I’m to die, I want to die in my sleep while still fully mobile and in good health, even if at an old age. Not that it’s hard to make value while in an old folk’s home, but to me, it seemed to be a very sad place—not very good for the soul. I’m glad to see my grandmother. I don’t think she gets many visitors—I could see why, it’s hard to visit someone who won’t remember you visited in a few hours—but if I’m in the Kanagawa area when (or if) I come for Jet, I want to visit her as much as I can.

Right afterwards, we went to Kamakura to visit the SGI Study Center near Tatsunokuchi Beach—the beach where Nichiren Daishonin almost was beheaded during the Tatsunokuchi Persecution. It is a small kaikan with a beautiful view. President Ikeda has also placed a lot of important and meaningful objects in this kaikan as well. There’s a couple scrolls made by Toda and Makiguchi Sensei—e.g. one that says “Kosen Rufu”—and one scroll with the Japanese character for “stand up”—symbolizing the spirit of the Daishonin and the first three presidents of the Soka (Kyoiku) Gakkai to stand up. It is an awesome center. Eun-yi CHUNG also was there last March apparently too. She signed the guest-book and left a short message. I also left a slightly embarrassing determination to “change the world.” I will do it somehow, I don’t know how, just yet, but that’s what youth is for, I think—figuring that out.

After that we went directly to Fujisawa. My dad and I did a bit of omiyage shopping at a 100-yen store. Got 13 things—12 for others, 1 for me—and spent 1.430-yen.

An ode to the 100-yen shop:
O 100-yen shop, how do I love, thee.
You are much better than the dollar store,
For all your goods are actually 100-yen.
You are much fairer than the Ito Yokado down the street,
For your goods are 100-yen (plus tax).
You are much cooler than any store on the street,
For you look down on all the others from the fourth floor.

Afterwards we went Ito Yokado to look for a new dress for Miyuki, but couldn’t find anything in her size. Zannen. Then we traveled to the Shonan-Fujisawa Bunka Kaikan (South of Capital Area-Fujisawa Culture Center) for the Broadcast Meeting. Pre-meeting, we went to the Gasuto/Skylark right next to the kaikan and had dinner—a big, full dinner. I was very furu by the end of the dinner. Filling food, not the greatest, but good, clean famiri dainingu.

At the Broadcast Meeting, I had to hold back my tears once the part with Sensei started. I didn’t understand much of any body’s speeches, not the YMD, YWD, WD, or MD’s, nor even Sensei’s—I need the translation/subtitles. However, when Sensei came on-screen and started handing out the poems to the areas that were represented at the meeting—I couldn’t help but start tearing up—my thoughts were about how great Sensei is to the members. Thinking about the best way to reach them. I was impressed by the YWD and WD of Japan—like usual, they are the reason the Gakkai exists—they are its eternal mothers and the lifeblood of the SGI. I couldn’t help but feel that I want Sensei to be at SUA for my graduation. I know he still has a lot of life in him, so maybe it’s not his time to spend his last days at SUA—but I want him to be there. If not, then I will make the trek back to SUA for when he comes to spend his last days there.

My trip in Japan has really come to an end. I don’t know how much I’ve spent. I don’t know what I’ve learned, just yet. I’m really glad I came—I didn’t really even feel like I went somewhere. But, I know that something in my life is changing.

I’m really thinking about how I can be more responsible to the YMD in Aliso Amigos District, how I can be a better student at SUA, and how I can change my relationships. I am determined to make 2006 a great year. I want to do shakubuku—someone said that Micro of Def Tech did 25 shakubuku last year. I want to have a life-condition that great and expansive.

To the year 2006, to all our goals, hopes, and wishes. To their completion! To friends! To family! To comrades! To all my best! Nam-myoho-renge-kyo.
6.1.06

Day 13


06 January 2006

Today I ate at the famous Denny’s…the one that I remember seeing the second time I came here to Japan as a child, in 1996. I had a “Denny’s Breakfast” Yum! Other than the portions, it was a rather “normal” American breakfast—though the eggs tasted better here!

Afterwards, Secchan and Miyuki dropped me off at Zushi-eki (Zushi Station) so that I could catch a train into Tokyo to meet up with Allison, Mayumi and other SUA alumni. I first met up with Allison, we walked around Shinjuku, which is a rather stereotypical area of Tokyo. Many, many people, and many, many commuters. She was “gaijin” number 13 I saw while waiting for her at the Higashi-guchi (East Gate) of the station. By the way, Shinjuku station is huge—there’s a South Gate, a New South Gate, a Southeast Gate, a Central East Gate, an East Gate, a West Gate and a Central West Gate. There’s also several gates within the station that are basically connections to other train systems or subway networks. I’m tired just thinking of it. A lot of people running around and a lot of exits and entrances; it’s amazing that people can find each other there.

So, we walked around Shinjuku and chose to eat at a Mister Donut. That was good food! A bit expensive for two donuts and coffee, but it was oishii. After walking around some more, we got back to Shinjuku East gate and sat down for some coffee and tea at where else but Starbucks, while we waited for Mayumi.

Mayumi came and we went to Shibuya. Shibuya is stereotypical Tokyo, but with a lot of gaijin (foreigners). It’s Times Square meets Japan. Advertisements are everywhere, cars and busses running along the streets and taxis flying in every which direction, every so often punctuated with crossing masses of pedestrians and the tone of the crosswalk. It’s exciting and all, but I like window shopping in Ginza better.

So we had oyako-don in Shibuya followed by some window shopping at HMV and Zara, when Mayumi remembered that Kimiko Sato worked at a Tokyu Department Store in Shibuya. Unfortunately for us, there’s several Tokyu Department Stores within a 10- or 15-minute walk from Shibuya-eki. At first, we went to the wrong Tokyu, but it was fine, we found the right one to go to. Kimiko looks very sutekii working at the Givenchy registers. Givenchy is too expensive: there were racks of fur coats “on sale” for 70.000 yen—about $600. Kimiko also told some people that she rang up one customer for 2.000.000 yen ($16.000) and the customer paid it all in cash. That’s amazing…but then again, she works in Givenchy.

After leaving Shibuya, we left for Nakano, where we planned on having dinner at a yakitori place with other SUA alumni. We went to Nakano (Chuo-Rapid) and found a Salzeria to sit down at. Mayumi had a 3-course-meal snack and I had a bit of garlic toast. Yum. Salzeria is apparently a chain of Italian “ristoranti” in the Tokyo area. “Cool Beans!”

Dinner time comes: Tsuneko ENDO, Mayumi ASAKO, Allison REED, Rumiko YAMAUCHI, Yukio NAKAJIMA (mr. neato), Yumi TANAKA, Naomi YAMAMOTO, and I, all have yakitori. Yuta YANAGISAWA, Suh Jin PARK, and “Kacchan” KAWADA are supposed to be there, but can’t make it, one way or another, very sadly. I wanted to see Spark most of all, but that’s fine, we’ll meet somewhere else, some time else, I hope. Everyone seems fine, we spend time reminiscing about SUA times and about how everyone is doing wherever they’re at. Yukio speaks barely a word while we’re eating dinner (*) but we speak after eating dinner, seems like he’s not doing much right now, thus the name “mr neato,” he’s just working for Mr Chocolate and living at home with family (Nishi-Oi-eki, Yokosuka/Shonan-Shinjuku Lines). Seems like he’s still got some figuring out what to do with himself.

I had a good time, but I worried a bit about when I could get home, I left at around 11pm from the MacDonalds in Nakano, arrive in Shinagawa for the last train for Kurihama—all the while running from Platform 1/2—Yamanote-sen to Platform 12/13—Yokosuka-sen which was fun, with all the Japanese sarariman running with me from platform to platform. Omoshiroii. There were still 2 more Zushi-yuki trains, but I needed to get to Higashi-zushi, so I arrived at home late, at 00h35.

It was a full day.
5.1.06

Day 12




05 January 2006

It’s going to be hard to write “2006” everytime for the next week or so. I’m still not yet there. Yesterday was a perfect time to think. I think I needed to do some thinking, and getting away to Atami and the Yuuyuukan Onsen was what I needed. I hope it’s warmer in Cali.

Yesterday was onsen, ping pong/air hockey, and karaoke. I can’t really sing, but it was great to see my dad, my uncle, and three of my aunts singing along with classic Japanese songs from their past. That my dad left in the 70s is pretty apparent when you see the choice of songs that my dad chose compared to those that the others chose. The drive up was pretty bad, we hit traffic all along the coast on the way out to Atami. There’s no coherent network of free or toll-ways in Japan. It’s all pretty much run by private companies, thus, the highways are build where companies will make the most money. Inefficient and so not like California or the US. I’m glad that we have a full network of freeways and now we are “filling in gaps.” It beats the haphazardly-planned network of roads they have here.

Today we went to a part of Atami city, to a famous ryokan (Japanese-style hotel) and to Odawara-jyo (Odawara Castle). They were both interesting places. Sensei had once stayed at the ryokan. The castle was a re-creation, but it had interesting relics from the time period of the castle.

It was nice spending time with my uncle and aunts. They are all rather unique, though of the same family, each has their own unique personality. The two Nojiri sisters have similar personalities, while Secchan seems to be the one that brings others together. My dad and Minoru ojisan seem to be pretty similar-minded as well.

I wish I would have more time here in Japan to go exploring and to visit family. It might not be possible to take that much time off any time soon, so I hope I can meet them next time I come. Hopefully that will be as a Jet.
4.1.06

Day 11


04 January 2006

“Somehow I find that you and I collide.”

I wonder where I’ve come in the past year. Somehow I find that, I don’t really know where I’ve come; Have I really made any progress I’ve made on my goals?

Linda Johnson’s advice to the OC members at New Year’s Gongyo was to make an “Impossible List,” that is a list of things that you think are impossible, and set-out to do them, chant for them, to encourage your own faith in the Gohonzon. I need to do that.

“I finally find you and I collide.”

What would be on this list?

(1) I want to develop my capacity to feel other’s feelings; I want to change the way I interact with others—to be able to make them feel at ease in my presence.
(2) I want to find a great job for after university; one where I can combine my talents with computers and languages, as well as my ability to do research.
(3) I want to support my members the best way possible—encouraging them to become leaders through my own actions—specifically the YMD of Aliso Amigos District.

“Tengo la camisa negra. Hoy mi amor esta de luto.”

(4) I will build better relationships with my brothers, my parents, and my extended family in Japan.
(5) I will climb a mountain.
(6) I will skydive.
(7) I will visit NYC.
(8) I will finish my Capstone on time and in good health.
(9) I will be the best person at work.

“It started out with a kiss, how did it end up like this?”

(10) I will get my weight to be under 170 pounds (77 kg) and I will be at or under 10% body fat [I am currently 89.5kg and 21.5%.]

“De tardes negras, que no hay tiempo ni espacio y nadie nunca entendera. Quedarte, puedes? Porque la vida duele, duele demasiado aquí sin ti.”

(11) I will stay in contact with my friends from SUA—the seniors—my classmates (06ers)—my juniors (the Pirate Crew), and others from High School; wherever I go.

“What did you expect to find? Was it something you left behind?”

(12) I will go to China and India in the next 12 months.
(13) I will go to visit my friends in Europe in the next 18 months.
(14) I will have money to make these trips.

“Time to say good-bye Paesi che non ho mai…”
3.1.06

Day 10




03 January 2006

Dad and I also went up to Asakusa, Ginza, and Oosaki. This was at the behest of the Ishikawa’s (Dad’s sister). Asakusa would have been more interesting—except for all the people. There were people traffic police, at least that’s the best way I could describe it. They closed off a busy crossroads of people two directions at a time. They could’ve been British about it and thrown a big roundabout in the middle, but I’m glad that they had the pedestrian police there, it was pretty necessary.

Ginza is my kind of place. I would love to be able to shop there. Unfortunately, I don’t have that much money. But, I want to go back one day. It seems like a good shopping district—I think my uncle was saying that it was one of the first areas in Japan to have 100m blocks, all 8 blocks of Ginza from 1-chome to 8-chome are fully 100m. It’s an interesting experience. We had yakitori in Ginza, in what must have been in the 3rd basement of the building we were in. We also had nikujaga (potatoes and beef), a “spicy” dish, a tofu-plus-salad salad, some wine, yakiniku, and shi-o yakitori. Ooooooishi.

In ?? (Oosaki) we visited my aunt and uncle’s place. This is the aunt and uncle that are the parents of Kazuki and Chie. Chi-chan was the only one at home. We had some more food. During the night, while drinking a bit more [it sounds like all I did this day was eat and drink…maybe I did] the wall clock fell down, scaring the crap out of most people.

Tomorrow, we’re off to ?? Atami in ??? Shizuoka Prefecture for ?? On-sen [hot springs]. It should be fun!
2.1.06

Day 9

02 January 2006

There’s another marathon relay on TV, this time it’s the Hakone Ekiden. It’s about 30 of the Japanese university’s teams running relay against each other. Up to Hakone on Day 1, and back down on Day 2.

There was a big Nojiri family gathering at night. I saw most of my uncles and aunts. A few of their children (and their children’s children) were there. I saw Kazuki—a closer cousin to me. Of course, Minoru and Setsuko were there. So was Miyuki—the closest of the cousins. Ma-kun wasn’t here, he’s been studying for his big exam in a week or two.
1.1.06

Day 8




01 January 2006

Happy New Years! ????????????????????! ¡Feliz Año Nuevo!

How many ways are there to say that?! Haha: as many as there are languages—and even more I bet!

A cold new year’s day I guess. There’s a marathon on TV right now, I guess that that’s just a Japanese thing.

I went to visit Derek and Gen. Hmm…what can I say? They’re cute together. I dunno what they’re like in private, but they do make a cute couple—if you can tell that they’re one at all. Went to Indian food—made by real, live Indians. Was tasty, if not spicy enough. It’s Japan, what can I expect?