When we last saw Andy and his friend, they were eating brunch at the Original House of Pancakes finishing up breakfast. Andy is now sitting in front of his computer at his workplace.
Today. Only today.
Why does it matter? Why does it always feel like I'm inadequate? Others seem to have it so easy, or at least, easier than I do. Who is it that really has it easy? By easy, I mean, they're happy, truly happy, like on the inside bursting out of them? I cannot see it in anybody.
"I trust everybody, I just don't trust the devil inside of them." Is that the right thought? Trust, whom do I trust? Whom shall I trust? What shall I trust?
I'm a bit tired. My life needs some rejuvenation. I'm craving something, I just don't know what it is. That says it all, doesn't it? We always want what we never get.
Love, Passion Valour?
Feelings are alive, up, down, around, twisted, fucking up. My mind and heart are spinning round and round and I'm getting sick. When I say to myself, "I'm a buddha," I get sick to my stomach.
Motivation is down, stocks are down, life is down. Not out, not done, just down. Happiness is,at the moment, just a faint glimmer. Snakes. Suck out the poison and spit it out.
This morning, when I tried to think of what I can appreciate in my life, my mind was blank. First time in a while. Motivation is down. Appreciation is down. Which caused which, I don't know.
Dismal-ity; dismal-ity; dismal-ness?
The world rejects me or I reject myself?
Sigh.
My heart spins faster than a flywheel; my brain is just along for the ride.
Break. NEXT!
Consumerism is bothersome. I like giving gifts, but sometimes I feel pressured to give gifts to people. There are gifts I have given in the past where I didn't mean it. Just because I didn't mean the full sentiment of what I said doesn't mean I shouldn't, right? I'm dealing with not a life or death situation here, I'm dealing with a life or ... shame situation here. If you do something and don't really mean it, why do you do it at all? Is it so that you can get a sense of satisfaction? Is it because it's really you yourself who are getting the satisfaction out of it, is I guess what I mean. Stepping outside of the box, outside of the self; I want to support those around me and do that genuinely. No matter what it is that I may have to offer up. My life, is that what it'll take?
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