Don't call me sweetie...
8 years ago
29.5.05
Class Matters - Social Class and Status Markers in the United States of America - The New York Times - New York Times
Class Matters - Social Class and Status Markers in the United States of America - The New York Times - New York Times: "Social class, once so easily assessed by the car in the driveway or the purse on the arm, has become harder to see in the things Americans buy. Rising incomes, flattening prices and easily available credit have given so many Americans access to such a wide array of high-end goods that traditional markers of status have lost much of their meaning. " Interesting Story. About consumerism, class, and well just plain-old U.S.A.
27.5.05
24.5.05
I'm home
I've arrived at home after two days of travel and about 18 hours of driving. A few Lay's, some Chex Mix, a couple apples and an orange, Wendy's, Mickey D's, and Qdoba as sustenance along the way back and I'm home. I've never been so happy to be back at home. I have a lot of things to absorb while I'm here and I'm needing a rest from SUA life. I need some time to mend my heart, my brain, and my soul. What is it that I've needed all along: some time to reflect, a lot of time to study and to chant, and a bit of time to work.
The next couple of days I'm going to spend resting. Maybe in 2 days I'll head out to find a job. I really need to find some place to work that will make me enough money but won't break me in the process. I can do the 40 hours a week, but the truth is I don't want to. 30 hours is something more like what I'm thinking. Then, I'll still have time for the studying I want to do.
One thing that I've noticed: everything is cheaper here--gas is one of them. Almost under $2,00 here. I passed by the Diamond Shamrock on Harmony and Timberline and 85 Unleaded was $2,06. The Premium was $2,25. I wasn't even paying that on 87 Unleaded in SoCal! WTF! I wonder if the food's cheaper here too? I missed Colorado quick food--Qdoba especially! Having Q in Glenwood was awesome and really cheap. God, why don't we have that in SoCal? Qdoba, Red Robin, Big City, etc.
Other things are brewing in my life. I honestly don't know what to do with myself. My name means "growing light." I can see that the light that shines in me is growing. But there's always that force of doubt. It always exists and though I've heard all the guidance given about that darkness, I haven't understood it completely heart and mind.
There's this line from this really cheesy Spanish pop-dance song that goes: "aquel día que te ví me enamoré" and honestly that's how I feel right now. Desde aquel día que le ví a él, me enamoré de él. Y lo que me jode ahora es que ya sé que no me quiere cómo lo quiero. Completamente no sé qué hacer. Mi corazón se haré de nuevo, es seguro. Pero, a él, no puedo dejarlo. Estoy completamente "pegado" a él. Sorry to the non-Spanish speakers, I won't translate it, I'm too tired.
The next couple of days I'm going to spend resting. Maybe in 2 days I'll head out to find a job. I really need to find some place to work that will make me enough money but won't break me in the process. I can do the 40 hours a week, but the truth is I don't want to. 30 hours is something more like what I'm thinking. Then, I'll still have time for the studying I want to do.
One thing that I've noticed: everything is cheaper here--gas is one of them. Almost under $2,00 here. I passed by the Diamond Shamrock on Harmony and Timberline and 85 Unleaded was $2,06. The Premium was $2,25. I wasn't even paying that on 87 Unleaded in SoCal! WTF! I wonder if the food's cheaper here too? I missed Colorado quick food--Qdoba especially! Having Q in Glenwood was awesome and really cheap. God, why don't we have that in SoCal? Qdoba, Red Robin, Big City, etc.
Other things are brewing in my life. I honestly don't know what to do with myself. My name means "growing light." I can see that the light that shines in me is growing. But there's always that force of doubt. It always exists and though I've heard all the guidance given about that darkness, I haven't understood it completely heart and mind.
There's this line from this really cheesy Spanish pop-dance song that goes: "aquel día que te ví me enamoré" and honestly that's how I feel right now. Desde aquel día que le ví a él, me enamoré de él. Y lo que me jode ahora es que ya sé que no me quiere cómo lo quiero. Completamente no sé qué hacer. Mi corazón se haré de nuevo, es seguro. Pero, a él, no puedo dejarlo. Estoy completamente "pegado" a él. Sorry to the non-Spanish speakers, I won't translate it, I'm too tired.
23.5.05
I'm high and I'm low...
My emotions are all over the place. I can't deal with all my emotions being so confused. I'm so happy for the seniors. I really cannot believe the Commencement that we had. B9 was so powerful. I heard it outside the gym (nearly 10m away) crystal clear and booming. I am still in awe of what I heard from all y'all who participated in B9. Seniors told me that the waterworks erupted when they heard the restart after the interlude ~freude schoner gotter funken tochter aus elysium~. At the same time, I'm sad and heartbroken (I think). I feel angry and misled. I don't know what it is, but my personal life is taking up too much of my time. Both of these watershed things that have happened in the last 24 hours are dealing with my unwillingness to let go. I can't let go. The seniors ARE leaving, but I go on about everything as if, it's just summer vacation. How do you say goodbye to your family? I know I can go on, and I will, but many parts of me are saying right now How will you live without those who have become your bigger sisters and your bigger brothers--the best trailblazers you know? How I respond to the seniors graduating will effect the future of SUA. No doubt.
I can't let go of the way his eyes look to me. I can't decide whether I want them or not. I hurt so fucking much that I really can't stand the way I feel. But, I don't want to scare him off.
And if you happen to be reading this, I don't know what to say to you; though I doubt that you'd be reading this right now. I feel as if I've been misled, had the wool pulled over my eyes, and fucked with. Don't lead me on! Tackle what comes up! Don't sidestep it! I wish that you have that much confidence in your own ability to find success in challenging those kind of things, because you know what, it does fucking affect other people. I know I am taking the victimized stance here right now, but that's because I'm writing down only what steam is left in me right now. If you know, have known, and knew about this for a while now, why in the fuck did you not come to me and ask me about it? I'm sure there's gotta be some reason. I want to know. Are you afraid? Are you scared? What is it that you feel has got to be so much important that you wouldn't extend that courtesy? I'm disappointed in you, but u know what maybe that's because I don't really know you. I never really tried, I haven't really sought anything out. I have created the best god-fucking-damned situation for myself now, haven't I? I can't stand looking at you, not tonight. I angst because right now, that's what I need to do. I will change my karma because of you. To you I am thankful, but right now please let me angst a little bit and I will feel better when I wake up tomorrow morning.
Over this summer, I will have to learn to let go and not just let go like "laisser tomber," but to let go and still keep close. I want to challenge myself so much. I want to go out this summer and work my ass off. I want to make money and save it. I really want to be able to go somewhere this winter vacation and I really want to be able to say that I enjoyed it fully. I want to see my Sensei.
When I saw the video today, I felt as if you were there, Sensei. I wish you were. I know that you wanted to be here at this commencement ceremony. I really wanted you to be here too. Since you weren't able to make it, I will study hard, and work hard in my own goals for the summer.
I must rest during the summer--but that doesn't mean I won't quit working. I will rest actively.
these are my thoughts for now. I'm glad it's taken me a while to do this. It's the first time in a while that I've felt human. I maybe struggling, but I feel human and that's the best feeling I've had in a while.
I can't let go of the way his eyes look to me. I can't decide whether I want them or not. I hurt so fucking much that I really can't stand the way I feel. But, I don't want to scare him off.
And if you happen to be reading this, I don't know what to say to you; though I doubt that you'd be reading this right now. I feel as if I've been misled, had the wool pulled over my eyes, and fucked with. Don't lead me on! Tackle what comes up! Don't sidestep it! I wish that you have that much confidence in your own ability to find success in challenging those kind of things, because you know what, it does fucking affect other people. I know I am taking the victimized stance here right now, but that's because I'm writing down only what steam is left in me right now. If you know, have known, and knew about this for a while now, why in the fuck did you not come to me and ask me about it? I'm sure there's gotta be some reason. I want to know. Are you afraid? Are you scared? What is it that you feel has got to be so much important that you wouldn't extend that courtesy? I'm disappointed in you, but u know what maybe that's because I don't really know you. I never really tried, I haven't really sought anything out. I have created the best god-fucking-damned situation for myself now, haven't I? I can't stand looking at you, not tonight. I angst because right now, that's what I need to do. I will change my karma because of you. To you I am thankful, but right now please let me angst a little bit and I will feel better when I wake up tomorrow morning.
Over this summer, I will have to learn to let go and not just let go like "laisser tomber," but to let go and still keep close. I want to challenge myself so much. I want to go out this summer and work my ass off. I want to make money and save it. I really want to be able to go somewhere this winter vacation and I really want to be able to say that I enjoyed it fully. I want to see my Sensei.
When I saw the video today, I felt as if you were there, Sensei. I wish you were. I know that you wanted to be here at this commencement ceremony. I really wanted you to be here too. Since you weren't able to make it, I will study hard, and work hard in my own goals for the summer.
I must rest during the summer--but that doesn't mean I won't quit working. I will rest actively.
these are my thoughts for now. I'm glad it's taken me a while to do this. It's the first time in a while that I've felt human. I maybe struggling, but I feel human and that's the best feeling I've had in a while.
22.5.05
The lights go out on campus. Our shining stars will leave tomorrow. They'll have left by this time tomorrow; though their bodies may stay, we know they really leave when they announce the inaugural flight of the black caps.
I don't know how we'll meet again, but I know we must. Blogs will hold us together for a while, but I will see y'all soon. Meet me in colorado, let's meet in japan, or morrocco, or switzerland or sevilla. I plan on seeing you guys several times a year in the next 10 years, separately or together.
14.5.05
I don't know
We got the scrapbooks today. I don't know how I am going to make it next year without the seniors. It's finally started to hit me. They and this Shangri-la dream world of ours will never be the same in 8 days. I have 8 days to spend with the people who have had the most impact in my life. Friends, more than just friends actually: dare I say (platonic) soul mates? Sorry to get all mushy, but my compass is spinning in circles. I find the thought of next year hard to bear. I can't even try to imagine what the first class is thinking. Though they are the first, the trailblazers, we charge ahead, right after them, making our way through the thickets, the swamps, the bogs, and the mushy grounds of time. Sigh. I will miss them, they have given me so much. They have given my class so much; I will miss their faces, their voices, and their presence on this campus. I have 8 days to spend the rest of my life with my older brothers and sisters. I have to spend it well.
11.5.05
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