I'm so tired of this

I don't know what more to say. I honestly feel like my heart's going to explode. You know that feeling where you're hearts palpitating so much and so confused about something it just may stop existing. I'm glad I'm going through this, I know why people say love is agony.

Someone told me they did it. (Unconfirmed, but it's still out there.) It did hurt me. But, I realized it's bs anyways. Now, I'm starting to depend less on him (or my conception of him) to engage with the world. I still don't know what to do. But I'm being forced to chant a lot. I wonder.

I'm trying to imagine where I want to be in 50 years. Then trying to figure out what I have to do today, tomorrow, the week after, the month after, the year after, 5 years after, 10 years, 25years to get to that. I can't see that future yet, however, I'm trying to and it's becoming clearer.

My life is changing and moving, just like I chanted for before.