I'm high and I'm low...

My emotions are all over the place. I can't deal with all my emotions being so confused. I'm so happy for the seniors. I really cannot believe the Commencement that we had. B9 was so powerful. I heard it outside the gym (nearly 10m away) crystal clear and booming. I am still in awe of what I heard from all y'all who participated in B9. Seniors told me that the waterworks erupted when they heard the restart after the interlude ~freude schoner gotter funken tochter aus elysium~. At the same time, I'm sad and heartbroken (I think). I feel angry and misled. I don't know what it is, but my personal life is taking up too much of my time. Both of these watershed things that have happened in the last 24 hours are dealing with my unwillingness to let go. I can't let go. The seniors ARE leaving, but I go on about everything as if, it's just summer vacation. How do you say goodbye to your family? I know I can go on, and I will, but many parts of me are saying right now How will you live without those who have become your bigger sisters and your bigger brothers--the best trailblazers you know? How I respond to the seniors graduating will effect the future of SUA. No doubt.

I can't let go of the way his eyes look to me. I can't decide whether I want them or not. I hurt so fucking much that I really can't stand the way I feel. But, I don't want to scare him off.
And if you happen to be reading this, I don't know what to say to you; though I doubt that you'd be reading this right now. I feel as if I've been misled, had the wool pulled over my eyes, and fucked with. Don't lead me on! Tackle what comes up! Don't sidestep it! I wish that you have that much confidence in your own ability to find success in challenging those kind of things, because you know what, it does fucking affect other people. I know I am taking the victimized stance here right now, but that's because I'm writing down only what steam is left in me right now. If you know, have known, and knew about this for a while now, why in the fuck did you not come to me and ask me about it? I'm sure there's gotta be some reason. I want to know. Are you afraid? Are you scared? What is it that you feel has got to be so much important that you wouldn't extend that courtesy? I'm disappointed in you, but u know what maybe that's because I don't really know you. I never really tried, I haven't really sought anything out. I have created the best god-fucking-damned situation for myself now, haven't I? I can't stand looking at you, not tonight. I angst because right now, that's what I need to do. I will change my karma because of you. To you I am thankful, but right now please let me angst a little bit and I will feel better when I wake up tomorrow morning.

Over this summer, I will have to learn to let go and not just let go like "laisser tomber," but to let go and still keep close. I want to challenge myself so much. I want to go out this summer and work my ass off. I want to make money and save it. I really want to be able to go somewhere this winter vacation and I really want to be able to say that I enjoyed it fully. I want to see my Sensei.
When I saw the video today, I felt as if you were there, Sensei. I wish you were. I know that you wanted to be here at this commencement ceremony. I really wanted you to be here too. Since you weren't able to make it, I will study hard, and work hard in my own goals for the summer.
I must rest during the summer--but that doesn't mean I won't quit working. I will rest actively.

these are my thoughts for now. I'm glad it's taken me a while to do this. It's the first time in a while that I've felt human. I maybe struggling, but I feel human and that's the best feeling I've had in a while.