Day 2: Headache

Kevin woke up right as he was to turn around in his dream. He was confused and unsure what was going on; his BlackBerry was ringing. The alarm clock read 5:46am. He was sure it was Alex in his dream. It reminded him of the first time they met in the coffee shop down the street from his Kevin's parents' house.

Alex pressed to pick-up his phone, "Hello?"
"Hello."
"Uhh, yes, who is this?"
"Hi, this is Roberta from Doctor Cranor's office. I'm sorry to call you this early in the morning, but it's urgent."

Kevin sat up. Doctor Cranor is his family's doctor and also Alex's father.

"Yes. What's going on?"
"Well, as you know, Doctor Cranor is your family's physician, and, in your recent move out to California, we've been sending out files to your new physician there."
"Yes?" Kevin said, sure that whomoever it was on the other end of the phone could tell that he was not sure of why they were calling him at this time of the morning to talk about files.
"...and while preparing our files to send to your new physician, it seems like there's been a couple oversights in the care of some of your acute sicknesses."
"Umm...okay. So, what do you mean?" Kevin responded slightly irritated that it sounded like a billing inquiry at a quarter to six in the morning on a Monday of all days.

"So, usually you've been getting tested for HIV here at our office the past few years, once every 6 months or so."
"Right...," unsure of where this was leading.
"Kevin, I would suggest that you get tested again."
"Huh?" unsure of himself, he felt the world start to spin. "What do you mean?"
"What I mean, is that we've had results come back the past two times you got tested that were positives, but noted that you should get a more precise test. The testing equipment we have in this complex is older and not really accurate."
"What? But, Alex was there to tell me that the results were negative."
"Yeah, I was looking over the records and it says that you never came in and it looks like nobody followed up, since you usually just come to the office for these tests."

At that moment, Kevin felt his stomach surging and gurgling while the room dove into a fatal spin.

"Okay, Roberta. You're the cheery lady that always sits up front when I come in right?"
"Yeah."
"Thank you for the information, but I'm feeling a bit sick to the stomach right now."
"Are you going to be all right?"
"Yeah, I should be, but I'm going to try and find a trash can or something."
"Okay."
"I'll go and schedule an appointment with my new doctor in an hour or so."
"Sounds good. I'm praying that your results clear you of any questions."

At the moment that Kevin ended the call, he threw up. And it wasn't one of those regurgitations that made you feel any better. It was worse than when Kevin downed a bottle and a half of tequila when he turned 21. There was nothing in his stomach and he hadn't eaten much the day before. He wasn't sure what he wanted to do next. Call in sick for work, call the doctor, call Alex, or call his mom and dad. One sure thing was that he couldn't believe what Alex had done and he was furious and depressed.

Dreams: Hikaru

I put the box of japanese ice cream into the fridge and closed the door and jaunted out into the living room. Once there, I flipped on the telelvision and then Hikki was on the television, I thought that it's nice that in the US we now have Japanese music on. David and Eric come home. This obviously is not our house or my apartment, it's definitely a hell of a lot nicer; really, it's beautiful as balls. I continue to watch while everyone else is doing their thing. I hear people in the kitchen and go to talk. To my surprise, there's Hikki in a showgirls' outfit.

(It just made me laugh, when I woke up.)

Day 1: Steaming Coffee

As kevin sat down with his cup of coffee, the weight of the day became apparent to him: his shoulders ached, the balls of his feet were suddenly tender, and he wished he had his bottle of eye drops handy to relieve the deserts of his eyes. The hubbub of the coffee shop had quickly quieted down on his entrance and he started to worry about where he had just entered.
Growing up in a small college tow in the Rockies had given Kevin a sense of adventure, but left him incapable of seeing how different his family could be to the rest of his friends'. As he took his first sip of coffee and the weight of the day started to dissolve in the big black hot tub of his double shot foglifter, he suddenly felt isolated, cold and distant. The other people around him started to haze away to the thoughts of the home he just left--his loving, though crazy mother, his ever-going grandmother, and stoic, but funny father, even his ex-boyfriend the love of his life--Alex.
The canvas of Kevin's mind was painted with Alex's strokes. Kevin felt such an affinity for Alex the moment he met him and they had lived the past three years of their lives to the fullest, enjoying the most they could of each other and love.
And even with the best years of their lives behind them, Alex and Kevin weren't able to move together and start a new life in California. Alex decided to stay and Kevin wanted to go. At that moment as Kevin was reminscing on his life, he felt the heat of the stare of someone on his neck.

alert!

Diana just told me...that she's going to colorado to clean her shorts.

comments anybody? how do I respond?

she's going to kill me for this.

aaaah!

Good morning!
Good morning!

So, news to report, I'm going to Switzerland in September. A friend bought me a ticket--thank you friend!, and Hil is going to visit Zoe and her host family. I'm so stoked about this trip!

responsibility

i am responsible for my life, and that would be something that I can't run away from.

this next month is going to be one of the toughest in my life. I won't go into details because I don't really want to share, but if I make it out of this month skinnier, I figure it'll be because I needed to lose the weight.

I'm glad that I've chanted enough right now to know that I have my life, I have the gohonzon, and I'm still able to chant to it and that's really all that I need to be happy.

It's time for me to change something in my life--something with my karma. I don't want to not face it anymore. Strength lies in not giving up. Courage lies in taking that first action. I am going to courage it up and strengthen that determination.

tia juana's / lucky (sunday)

just got back from lucky at tia juana's.

i feel good, satisfied really.

i had a good time with tinki, juju, derek, ken and renee. it was nee's first experience at a gay bar and well probably ken's first experience at a drag show. i even got a dance with him. haha.

i had a good time really, it's been a while since i've been able to enjoy myself in that way. it's been way too long. :D

Anyways, facebook picture posts to come and all, but, just wanted to end the night with a positive note.

Encouragement from the ToMyFriends Yahoo Group/List

"...you must never think that you are privileged in any way. People who
succumb to that delusion always end up regressing in life and in faith.

"Instead of concerning yourselves with becoming successful or important, I
hope you will strive your hardest behind the scenes and continue to exert
yourselves fully for kosen-rufu. If you polish your abilities, you'll
naturally come to shine. Mr. Toda did not ask us to become professional
clergy. Rather, he called on youth to become leaders who are dedicated to
working for the benefit of society. By that, he meant that we should become
leading figures in various fields and not restrict ourselves to the realm of
religion. The spirit of Buddhism is not narrow or restrictive; its aim is to
establish peace and happiness for all humankind."

SGI Newsletter No. 7568, The New Human Revolution--Vol. 21: Chap. 3,
Resonance 8, translated June 13th, 2008

Updating

things left to update never get done, so here i am taking action.

things i'd like to do this summer:
*Sleep at least 7 hours a night
*Chant an hour every morning before work/activities/etc.
*Chant a half-hour every evening
*Introduce someone to this practice
*Study the gosho every day, even if it's a paragraph or two
*Strengthen my prayer for Soka Spirit
*Support the Courageous Hearts members
*Develop one capable leader for Kosen-rufu this season

Today was a day filled with leadership meetings. :-). I love my leadership teams, but I'm feeling the strain. I came home after one meeting, ate a bit, went to my bedroom for a minute, and then fell asleep in just a few minutes. I didn't even expect to, I thought I was going to be reading something. Haha.

But, it made me realize, that I need to stop pushing myself to do all these activities, and instead, focus on raising capable people who are able to fill these roles that I'm currently in.

Realized last night that for a moment, I was feeling more lonely than ever before, but at the same time, I felt it because I felt dissatisfied with life. Chanted this morning that I want to feel satisfied because this life is mine and I'm ultimately in charge of all aspects of it, so if I'm to feel dissatisfied, it's because I've let myself succumb to the thought that I *can't* change one aspect of my life or another.

buck up son.

Hey all,

Not much to spell out here. Things are going well. We had an awesome festival this past Saturday. I didn't do much work for it other than prepare a presentation for the discussion portion of the March 16th Celebration. OC YPG was on fire! The other groups were good, but OC YPG was hoooooootttttttttt!!!!!!! (Can't type those letters enough I guess). I was happy to see that Rey came. There were a couple other guests in my presentation group and about 10 of us presenting. :D. Promotions went okay. I've got to focus on the Japanese Gosho tomorrow and the Youth Chill day on Saturday for Soka Group. Sigh. It's weird to have a few free moments to myself.

I get to think back on a few things and see where I've come to. Still feeling like I need much more to go. But, it's nice to be able to rest a bit more than just "go-go-go."

waxing gay

http://www.queerty.com/weighing-kings-culpability-20080317/

I was reading one of my regular blogs and I came across this. Honestly, i don't know what to think. Personally, I find inspiration in Gandhi's non-violent protests. Really, does violent action against violence encourage nothing but more violent thought and action?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QcMEL3_YsVI

This i find is a more positive response to King's death.

welcome to the year 2008

Nothing much to report, I got back safe!

The state of the world from Orange County, CA seems difficult to assess. I don't really like national cable news networks and also the local 'news' shows aren't really that interesting--they all cover 'breaking' news. :P it can't all be breaking people!