I wrote a note this morning to my mother and father. I am now officially 'out' to them as a gay man. I don't know how strong I'm sure about my sexuality, but at least now they know. I guess perhaps it might have left the door open to me to say I'm not really gay because it seems that's the way my mother and father are taking it.

I think that I didn't communicate myself clearly enough to them to make them understand how I feel.

I also just spoke to my mother for the 21 longest minutes of my life. I would have to say that my mom is taking this kinda how I thought she would. There were no "hoorays" or anything like that, which was kinda disheartening. Perhaps it was my tone in my message, I'm thinking it seemed like I wasn't sure enough about myself.

I sensed that my mom has a bit of denial about this. I don't know. I was ready for anything and perhaps I wasn't ready for the fact that it sounded like she was more hoping that I wasn't gay at all, but still seemed like it was ok to be gay. It seems so confusing. Perhaps because I expected the worst, a "far-right" response, and actually got something in the middle, that I'm kinda weirded by this. I guess I wasn't really hoping for the best.

Meh. I say that I know myself quite well, I just don't know what to do now that I know. Where can I go from here? That's really the question I have and I told my mom that quite often. Maybe I didn't get it through and was too morose or something or too excited to actually tell them how I really felt, so it didn't come across well.

One thing that irked me was that my mother asked "whom have you told of this /feeling/?". I guess it makes it feel that it's something they want to hide from other people. When right now all I really need is a big hug that says "Andy we love you and don't care that you're gay."

Perhaps I'm expecting too much all at once from them. But, what can I do for my parents right now?

I don't know...get them to a PFLAG meeting? Get them some books? I think that's what I'll try to do. At least I hope I can help them along somehow.