Haha:

Great legs...what time do they open? (Ok, too much surfing the net...)

-Umm sorry, they don't open; especially not for you!

Sew...today i feel a mite better. There's no gaping hole feeling, that often. My life has a sense of normalcy, and the speed of life is amazingly slow; kinda like when we were kids.

It feels like I'm making headway on a lot of things, so again, I be pleased.

I've been thinking lately about my friends back home and those people who I've had the chance to meet in my life. There's so many that I don't even remember 3/4s of them. Who has done what? Who has changed the world? Who has changed themselves? It seems like no one has, but if I really think about it. People have changed and I'm sad that I haven't been there to see them as they are changing. I know that it's for the better that people try to better themselves, but sometimes it feels like you'll lose them if they change too much. I hope that no matter what, this bond that I've made is strong enough that no matter the time nor the changes that each person goes through, it remains. And as soon as we meet again, it's like we never had even been away for a moment.

Finally wrote that letter to Sensei...was kinda cathartic. I'm on this "letting stuff go" kinda binge. I feel better emotionally, but at what cost? I don't know yet. But it does feel a helluva lot better to let some of my emotional bagage sail off into the ocean blue.

I'm a bit sloffed so I'm going to bed.

A very good night to yee!

DenverPost.com - LOCAL NEWS

DenverPost.com - About Porn...but still, interesting.

DenverPost.com - Legislature

DenverPost.com - Argh!

Haha!

I wanna see this cop!

Ok, so like I said...angsty shit...

I love the attention I'm getting...but it was really my place to rant and rage. Mostly a temepest in a teacup. But I'm comforted by the fact that I'm not alone...I have Mo' with me. :D.

I need sleep...I'll be to bed in 10 minutes, and that's a promise!

Your Vote Matters

Your Vote Matters

Okay...so I can't point to Megan without having 3 (4) fingers pointing back at me...be prepared for angsty shit!

(
I can't appreciate myself right now and I feel like shit. I don't have faith in myself...how can I therefore have faith in others.

The thought of dealing with my demons scare me. But, I also remember the guidance from EHauber (yeah, yah, i know...y'all think he's evil...in his sua-presence)...that he gave at our meeting tonight.

Our life is an ocean: far-reaching, with so much breadth, and with so much depth. The wall that I see is only the wall that I've made in my mind. (Matrix moment: "There is no spoon...") I shouldn't marvel at the wall...but I should be concerned with breaking the idea that there's a wall there. But, I can't. That's why I'm sad...and have actually sobbed and teared-up for the first time since childhood. I feel that I can't. Saying "I don't know;" and "I can't" are the two saddest phrases to me, and I can say right now that I feel that I don't know what to do, because I'm sure that I can't.

(Earlier)

Shit! Let's see...I felt like I was doing so well. But, bull! I have to deal with it. I have faith somewhere, but it's been away for so long that I don't know what it is. Bullshit! It is possible! I can do whatever I want to, whatever I need to do to fix my life. I'm sparing you the details because I'm in no need to go over them again.

(Now, after doing gongyo)

Love is all I want, true love. And only by struggling, am I starting to realize, that I will become a person who attracts the right people around me.

I have faith, a small embryonic faith, but I know it will grow. I have already decided to change my life. I've already won. This is the hardest part Now, I must make it happen moment-by-moment, day-by-day.

I need a partner-in-crime. Anyone else want to change their shit with me?

Sore...very sore...well for me.

I can still move, but I woke up sore...it's a weird feeling. I worked out for a total of an hour down in the gym and i exercised for 30 minutes in the morning here, so I'm ->sooooooore<-. In my tri-s and obliques...odd, pero it could just be because i haven't used those muscles in a long time. Ouch. But for the first time in a long while, I don't feel like a big balloon. (Stupid word, "balon" "ballon" "balloon".)

Went to a movie with cassie and koji last night: _The Butterfly Effect_ pretty creepy movie, but yah more than anything else it was an aschton kutcher movie that didn't have a whole lot of substance. It'll give you a couple good scares and will take a bit to get over the bumps, jumps, and scares...but nothing of great value. I'd go see it again just so that I can see the time loops.

Put out energy

Get a lot back. I feel like I'm running on nitro. That's good, but I wonder how long I'll be boosting along.

No burn-outs this semester, or ever again.

I've been to, 5? SGI meetings in the past 7 days. Ok, a bit excessive. But, I'm controlling it. Tomorrow I have a meeting at MG's and I have a toso on Sunday at 9AM. I'm sure it'll all be okay after that.

I wonder what's up with hockey around here.

Umm...sorry for not posting much, too busy looking busy to do anything that doesn't make me look busy.

AKA, sleep-deprevation, and therefore inefficient use of my time.

What's up with the pearl?

MSNBC - Psychiatrists think Cruise should have head examined

MSNBC - Psychiatrists think Cruise should have head examined

Hontoni...

Nemui!

Cool guys

okonmiyaki...

Eibisu: garfield and brookhurst.

RockyMountainNews.com

Stein's View :: O'neill...heh heh heh

Food...again

Breakfast:
Yog+Cer(AJ)

Lunch
tatsuta age
Mozarella Caperi
Coke

Dinner
T-bone
Baked Potato
Zucchini Bread

Outlet Radio Network

"The launch"

Hmm...interesting songs...

"Automatic Lover"

"omnibus"

Title here.

Who reads this anyways?

Like, really who reads about my uber-boring life in soka anyways?

food today

breakfast:
cereal+ yogurt

Lunch:
chowmein
chicken lemon
gritcake & crawfish

Dinner:
Fried Zucchini
Fruits
rainbow lasagna
carne asada tacos
oatmeal cookie

Outlet Radio Network

Outlet Radio Network:
"Blood is pumping"
"Hum Melody"

Jef St De Lore

Jef St De Lore - yah!!!

Hmm...

I'm in the IT Lab typing on my blog and they're having an IT group meeting. HEHE, this is a first.

Wonder what they're talking about.

Right. Whatever.

So, I haven't been able to post anything but raw data so far about what I eat. Sorry if this confuses you. I'm trying to log what and how much I'm eating. But, unfortunately I haven't had time to process that data or have time to do much of anything except study.

I'll probably post something ont he weekend, I /know/ that y'all are so sad, my avid readers, but sorry i just can't. HEHE.

I'll write on sat.

GOAL: Write Sensei a letter!

food today...

Breakfast:
Apple Jacks + Yogurt
Banana

Lunch:
Bruchetta
Apricot Stuffed Pork
Meatballs w/Sauce
Spanish Rice

Supper:
SW Caesar Salad
Wonton Soup
Grilled Salmon
Coke

Food today

Breakfast:
Cereal + Yogurt in a bowl
cheesecake bites
1 banana

lunch:
Chiki-katsu
Salad
Coke + Sprite

Supper:
Mac and Cheese (1 bowl)
2 pieces of fried chicken
salad
fruit

What i ate so far for today

Breakfast:
Cereal + Yogurt in a cup
And Water

Lunch:
Salad (Goat Cheese Salad)
Fries
Cheese Poppers (NO, not THAT kind of poppers)
Chiki-katsu to gohan (Chicken Cutlet with rice)
and Water

Pretty good.

I'm doing okay now...the sun came out and i saw it
though I was asleep until only 6am
my stupid plan to work out everyday is coming into effect.

Dinner!
Mac and cheese
2 fried chicken pieces
salad

Iraq Plans Made Before 9/11, O'Neill Says

Iraq Plans Made Before 9/11, O'Neill Says ... hmm ... but what about this O'Neill character? (LA Times/Free Subscription)

970 pride...949 no pride

I think I'm just a bit colorado-centric. sarcastic. depressed. fat.

I don't know what it is but I don't feel very happy. Maybe I'm depressed, maybe I'm bi-polar, and maybe even I'm normal But right now I feel like crap. I don't feel very confident in myself. Self-esteem building is a bitch and I need some right now. Let's see, I also feel like I can't see the positive of anything. Everyone else always seem to be more positive than I could ever be. I don't feel confident in myself enough, or something.

Ok, take a moment for the irony: i'm complaining about my complaining, negative nature. Oh well, that "Jooooooooeee" Ragu' commercial on TV is making my laugh. :D

I'm toddling off. G'night!

Bored...

Not much going on right now, it's an inter-semester time. But people are coming back! Cassie! Yuko! It's feeling like back to normal.

I'm kinda depressed right now, mostly with my goal-keeping. I'll be come better. I need a personal trainer boyfriend. That way I can keep my weight and body goals better. ;D

DenverPost.com - NATION/WORLD

Ugh and he has a lesbian daughter...tho that doesn't mean that they have to agree...but STILL!

Fool.com: HP, Apple Jam [Motley Fool Take] January 9, 2004

Fool.com: HP, Apple Jam [Motley Fool Take] January 9, 2004 - odd...sounds interesting

CNN.com - Boy stuck in supermarket game - Jan. 8, 2004

CNN.com - Boy stuck in supermarket game - Jan. 8, 2004
OMG!!!

Daily Digest of Links

Coloradoan/Larimer County

The Post/Drive-ins

The Post/Broncos D'oh!

The Rocky/Denver Square

The Rocky/TV

Hmm...fingerprinting...

Umm ... cold!

Yah, it's 11 in the morning and it's about 0F (-18C). It's supposed to be a haute high of about 6F (-13C). Hmm ... today is definitely a book day.

Ellie: i did write that letter to sensei. We sent it right before I posted it on the blog, at about 8 or 9 at night Mountain Time. And my dream was whacko. It's weird, maybe because I'm getting enough sleep...I'm remembering my dreams, and for a while after I awake too. It's cool though, I spoke in Chinese in one of my dreams a few nights ago; though I have no recollection of the actual content of the dream, I remember speaking in chinese throughout most of it.

Salem: Durn it! He's gone already? I didn't get a chance to say 'bye' or nothin! Sux. Oh well, I enjoyed the party at Maya's but I do have a question, should I have paid for some of that pizza? I totally left without thinking of it, and then I only remembered when I got back home. Suck!

I'm so unexcited about going back to SUA. Every time I come back home for a long period of time, I don't remember how I could ever get through each day. I mean there's always something going on AND there's studies.

Oh yeah, must remember tell John/Jay Marzullo that Francie umm...Lastnameforgotten says 'Hi!' and yada yada yada. Better get that info b4 I go.

I'm kinda unmotivated about school. I know it's going to be hard and the like when I go back. Que yo tengo que estudiar mucho m'as para la clase de espanol...gen wo de zhongwen ke. I don't know how I'm going to survive this semester, but I'm sure I will. I just don't really want to get into many bad habits like I know I always do.

I'm also thinking about staying around over the summer, but that thought scares me. It involves getting a place with other people & I know I'm a hard person to read alot of the time, so that ought to be an interesting story. I don't know where I'll have the money too. Because I'm expecting that I'll have to pay around $150 per month IF i'm going to share with some people and not sardining ourselves.

That means though that I'll be able to come back and do some skiing/boarding for Spring break! YAAAY! That's my plan, especially if I'm not going to see my family for 9-12 months from this wednesday. I don't want to be totally disconnected.

Oh yeah! I went Skiiing on Saturday. It was fun. Though due to my bad form, I had the burning thighs from hell syndrome! We went up into Wyo. and skiied at Snowy Range. It was nice, though cold! I think that it was weird, because they were skiing down here in Colo with thigh deep powder and I could hardly stand up in 4-6" powder. But oh did I love falling in Champagne powder or semi-packed powder!!! It's soft and it don't hurt. Though, being Wyo, there were wind-swept ice sheets near the top of every hill.

There was a cute guy at the lodge rental place too. My type, looked like a boarder/football player. Sigh! Dirty blond, squared chin, blueish eyes. All with that all-american straight-boy good looks. Sigh. No pings nor pangs. So, no chance there.

So, oh well, there goes on and on into my life of celibacy. I want to find someone that I can start a relationship with. Maybe someday. But as for now I have some prayers to do.

I'll post to y'all probably later tonight or tomorrow morning. We're going out to celebrate my going away, my obaachan's birthday (30 Dec official / 23 Dec real) and my brothers's birthdays (10 jan - middle one's / 17 jan - youngest one's). Hopefully we'll be going to some chinese sit-down place and not a buffet.

Great Wall in Loveland here we come!!!

OMG!!!!

http://www.local6.com/news/2732066/detail.html

Happy New Year!

I'm glad it's a new year. It's time to leave the baggage from last year behind and look forward with hope to a new year. I know that the glow won't last, but I'm enjoying it while it does.

So, here's the list of resolutions and goals that I, Andy Reker, will have for this new year:

(1) Lose 30 lbs and drop to 12~15% body fat by next New Years.
**I'm tired of being this heavy, time to actually follow up on a resolution
(2) Make a relationship with someone who lets me grow as a person
**I need a rock to help anchor my world, and of course someone to whine to.
(3) Laugh harder, and more often, with abandon
**I want smile wrinkles, and laugh wrinkles, not stern wrinkles!
(4) Find the right study-abroad location for me
--Program is good
--I get the most out of the experience
--The study abroad family is a nice, pleasant, AND understanding family
--No armed conflict for 500km from my home-stay house
--Time to go explore before, during, and after the program
--Best food
**Probably the number 2 reason I went to SUA; and the number 3 reason why I stay, better be good!
(5) Support my family in life
--Finding acceptance AND support of my sexuality from my parents
--Support my obaachan as much as possible, because she has the heart of a 20 year-old and the body of an 80 year-old.
--Support my brothers to become the best people before they enter college.
(6) Have tremendous growth in the SGI in OC and in Fort Collins.
--I want to see the Fort Collins Community Center built in 10 years!
--Build a balanced 4-divisional unified front that actively promotes world peace, throughout the world.
(7) Support Sensei coming to the US in anyway I can.
--Finding the time to do S-Group or G-Group whenever I can
--Building trust with others
--Making connections within my own communities for peace
(8) Support the Worldwide Culture Festival in OC for the summer in any way I can
--Using my background from the PeaceFest on Sept 30th 2001 in Denver, I want to support to make a 100 000 person festival. Huge! Success!
--Show to Sensei the strength of the Youth and the unity in the SGI.
(9) To learn another language
--Completely devote myself to understanding the Chinese language, and not just squaking
--Better understanding and continue to try to use the Spanish language more often
--Use my skills to help me understand a larger group of people
(10) Support the Identity Club
--Begin with basic meetings, supporting dialogue
--Add larger events: "Coming Out Day" "World AIDS Day" "Day of Silence" "Right to Marry Day" Etc etc
--Outreach into the community, conducting dialogues
(11) Support VOV, in any way I can, as just driving support, or something even better, as someone who actually works in the VOV presentations.
--Connect myself to the VOV leader in my area
--Support those who go to activities with my diamoku, and my physical presence
(12) Keep in touch with my peers and friends from HS/JHS
--I do a bad enough job as it is, I can't get worse; it can only get better from here on out.
--Emails, phone calls, letters
(13) Keep in touch with Erika, Chiaki, Jero^me, Petr, and those who live in foreign lands
--I want to keep the connection to those people alive!
(14) Save money so that I can (a) stay in the OC for the summer festival and (b) travel in Europe or Latin America before, during, and after I go to study abroad.
--Experience before my even greater experience
(15) Donate $125 for Zaimu and $175 for May contributions, at the least.
--I'll get it back somehow anyways; and it's going to a better cause than any other I can think of
(16) Look stupid, but start introducing others to buddhism. I know that I have friends who are unhappy, and I know the key to start becoming happy.
--I am screwed by others view of my religion. It's time to let that go, and be unafraid of looking stoopid and actually start living 'loud' and showing what my philosophy/religion can do for someone.
(17) Support my districts in developing capable youth for this century
--Supporting all the members in my district to become capable people
--Seeking out the JH/HS memebers and supporting them anyway I can

Eh, that's a big enough list for now...
That crane will be full...whenever we get the Origami paper to write the goals on....

Mood: "Tired"
Music: The Humming of the Reker Refridgerator
Light: none!

My New Year's/Birthday Letter to Sensei

���A
??–¾‚¯‚Ü‚µ‚Ä‚¨‚ß‚Å‚Æ‚¤‚²‚´‚¢‚Ü‚·?�‚»‚µ‚Ä??‚¨’a�¶“ú‚¨‚ß‚Å‚Æ‚¤‚²‚ ‚´‚¢‚Ü‚·?��I�I�I
It�fs been a long time since I wrote you last, but today, I write with fresh hope and a fresh outlook on the future. I think that the last few months of 2003 have been very helpful to me in defining who I am and also what role I fit into at Soka University of America.
2003 was a great year for me, though difficult and challenging. I had struggled with myself, many times before, in being confident in who I know myself to be. This past year I was able to better define a part of myself and tell others my great accomplishment. I also decided that I wanted to further my language skills, in English as well as in another two languages. Though it was tough and took a lot of work to keep up in studies, I can say that I enjoyed every minute of learning Spanish and Chinese. I was shocked to learn that there are ugly and mean politics at SUA. The Balitzer-McGiness issue was ugly and divisive, but now the campus has started to heal the wounds, together.
However, I�fve told you this one way or another throughout the year in previous letters. What has been most amazing for me is that in the last month or so, I�fm beginning to find a great appreciation for the SGI. The SGI has always just been there. As a fortune baby, I don�ft remember a time where I didn�ft practice, and don�ft have the luck to be able to compare my life �gpre-SGI�h and �gSGI.�h It is something I know just wasn�ft for my own situation. However, with Aliso Amigos district in Aliso Creek Chapter, near SUA, I feel that we�fve grown up together as a small community. I am more active there in that district, by my own accord, than I have ever been. I want this district to be the shining example of all of the SGI of how to be a completely unified district working with you for Kosen Rufu.
At this time, for my district, we have challenges as well; I am only one of two YMD in my district. The YMD leader of my district, Michael Sasaki, is now going away for study abroad. I don�ft have a very good connection with the other YMD, I really don�ft know why, but I haven�ft been able to talk to him as much as I want to. I will be going away in the fall for my study abroad, and then that�fd leave a small group again, without a big youth presence from SUA. So, my district and I are at a crossroads. What shall we do with this situation?
One of the solutions that were started right before I left was that we�fd attract another SUA student. That we did, so we have Daisaku Yamazaki coming into our district. I haven�ft spoken to him much, but the first impression I have of him was not good. I don�ft know why, but he seems a bit too reserved, like hiding something. But, I�fm committed to making this district grow and I know that he will be a valuable part of the district, and we can both grow together. At the same time, we also have Yoko Kogure, who�fs joining our district. Because she�fs so involved in extracurricular activities, it seems that she can�ft go to the district she was assigned to, about 30 minutes away in Rancho Santa Margarita.
So we have another YWD and YMD. However, I think it would be a better position if we could get other, non-SUA students involved in the leadership. It would provide for a more stable district, where we don�ft have to worry about who will be the leader next term, and next year, quite so often. That is another idea that I�fve been considering the pros and cons of, over my winter break back at home. I don�ft know exactly how it will work out, but I know that the best situation will come out of this.
This is one of the challenges of the coming year. There are others challenges I�fm looking forward to. I will be going on Study Abroad in the fall semester. There is talk of having a worldwide culture festival in Orange County that I�fm excited about. I want to help out in anyway possible. If I can�ft make it for the actual festival, then I want to do the planning that will make it be a great festival. I also have many challenges in my next term. I am again taking 5 courses: Chemistry, Chinese, Core II, Economics, and Spanish. I know that it will be a heavy load to take on, but my mind is thirsty for information. I also have a goal of losing 30 pounds and getting to around 12~15% body fat. I�fm tired of weighing so much and know that this extra weight and energy can and should be used for the sake of other people.
I am also going to continue working for the SUA Student Newspaper, The Pearl, knowing that we have a full plate of challenges for the coming semester. We need to create writers out of newbies. It is difficult work, but I�fm enjoying it. Like any other challenge, every challenge The Pearl has had, brings the �ecore�f group of the paper together. I know that there are many things we have yet to finish and that we can always expand coverage, write better, but I�fm happy to belong to this group of students who are leaders of the rest of the campus.
I am also slowly learning through others what your spirit is; now it is my turn to further my own understanding of your spirit. The spirit to care for others is something that has escaped me the past 19 years of my life, and now I�fm only beginning to understand what it means for you to be the mentor in someone�fs life as an example. I am not only excited about this, but I know that it will be difficult to train myself, and am happy that it will be. (Seems a little bit odd, doesn�ft it? I�fm happy about something that will be difficult.)
I know that this letter is about congratulations on a new year and on your birthday, but I also wanted to thank you so much. Thank you for holding up the ideals of Soka Education. I can think of no other education system that creates more meaning for the students who are educated by it. Thank you for holding up the SGI. It is the major source of my strength to keep going. I could not have made it to this point without the support of other SGI members. Thank you for being a great example and for your goal and vision for the future that is just now beginning to inspire me.
Sincerely,

Andrew Nobuaki Reker
1 January 2004 / Fort Collins, Colorado, USA

Dreams...

Dream:

I’m driving around someone like Neesa, Keefe’s sister. I don’t exactly remember why, but she needs something from SUA, and I said that I’d drive her to and back home from SUA, where she’d have to travel a couple of times before she had all the stuff she wanted. It seemed like she needed something from the library. She’s all non-dressy this time: has on a purple back pack, and dressed kinda like Jaime Grim and Ellie (not to worry, this is foreshadowing; by my own dream!)

So, I drive her around SUA, she gets dropped off at about the 370 Building, but it’s totally not like the 370 building we know. The building is amazingly not like a SUA building, there’s a glass canopy, multiple lanes, and busses and white vans flying everywhere. I pull into the lane closest to the opposite direction lane. Somehow, there’s all the normal parking going around the loop counterclockwise but all this stuff and 380 and 370 in their about normal spots.

So, she gets dropped off, she says that she’ll need to be picked up a little bit later. So I go, and then all of a sudden she’s back to being dropped off the 2nd time. So I guess I’d already picked her up and dropped her off.

As I pull into the exact same spot, Ellie walks up all smiles, with her purple backpack, and the ?brownish? sweater-coat-thingy she wears. At the same time, Jaime Grim (HS person), shows up from behind and they both ?know? each other, maybe. But, they both say ‘hi’ to me. And Ellie asks if she can have a ride so that we can have a ‘spot of tea (or fresh chai).’ I find it weird that she knows that in the pantry at home (here in CO), that I have many unused packs of tea.

As these girls were walking-up, Neesa has been putting her backpack in the trunk of my car. I don’t know why, it seems random to me, but I asked her if she wanted to put it back there, because I sensed that she didn’t need the backpack anymore.

So, now she’s done, and all three are sitting there on the right side of my car, where I’m trying to tell Ellie that taking some tea, would take an hour. Of course, Ellie’s like 30 minutes. Then, I’m like all counting the ways that it’d be an hour: prep time, drinking/chatting time, and then getting-back-to-work time. Jaime is agreeing with Ellie, but of course! At the same time, Neesa’s trying to tell me something, probably when to pick her up, but I’m too busy talking with Ellie, and trying to convince her that it’d take an hour, and then …

My dad comes and tells me to write a letter to Sensei for his birthday.

Interesting dream, totally weird!