Okay...so I can't point to Megan without having 3 (4) fingers pointing back at me...be prepared for angsty shit!

(
I can't appreciate myself right now and I feel like shit. I don't have faith in myself...how can I therefore have faith in others.

The thought of dealing with my demons scare me. But, I also remember the guidance from EHauber (yeah, yah, i know...y'all think he's evil...in his sua-presence)...that he gave at our meeting tonight.

Our life is an ocean: far-reaching, with so much breadth, and with so much depth. The wall that I see is only the wall that I've made in my mind. (Matrix moment: "There is no spoon...") I shouldn't marvel at the wall...but I should be concerned with breaking the idea that there's a wall there. But, I can't. That's why I'm sad...and have actually sobbed and teared-up for the first time since childhood. I feel that I can't. Saying "I don't know;" and "I can't" are the two saddest phrases to me, and I can say right now that I feel that I don't know what to do, because I'm sure that I can't.

(Earlier)

Shit! Let's see...I felt like I was doing so well. But, bull! I have to deal with it. I have faith somewhere, but it's been away for so long that I don't know what it is. Bullshit! It is possible! I can do whatever I want to, whatever I need to do to fix my life. I'm sparing you the details because I'm in no need to go over them again.

(Now, after doing gongyo)

Love is all I want, true love. And only by struggling, am I starting to realize, that I will become a person who attracts the right people around me.

I have faith, a small embryonic faith, but I know it will grow. I have already decided to change my life. I've already won. This is the hardest part Now, I must make it happen moment-by-moment, day-by-day.

I need a partner-in-crime. Anyone else want to change their shit with me?