Searching out my mentor...

I've been at FNCC for the last few days. For those who don't know...it's an SGI retreat center in the Everglades/Fort Lauderdale. I've been having a blast. I can't believe it, but I feel that I've been making progress. But, at the same time, I really need to fight harder. Nathan said something about when he went to Japan, about continuing fighting until the last moment. It was his and other SUA student's attempt to meet with Sensei face-to-face. They patiently waited and wanted to see him, and while he was at a different part of the meeting, when they heard that he was going to come down a floor and see him....they all stopped fighting/seeking him. So, at the same time this was happening, it happened that the elevator stopped its descent and turned 'around' and went back up to the higher floors. How sad! But at the same time, what an important lesson!!!

I've started to breakthrough on certain things: my fear of ymd, heh...that's what all girls have though...:P. At the same time, i really am trying to see everyone as a person, and not just as male/female, gay-bi/straight. Really see anyone I meet as a person. It's obvious that I'm still struggling with issues of sexuality. A coming out isn't really a complete coming out. It is so a process that only starts with telling other people that you have started to think about sexuality.

How do you connect to people with whom have had different experiences? How to change my karma into mission? How to not let my arrogance from meeting people and overpower my heart? How do I encourage my friends to continue in their faith? How do I encourage my other friends to start up faith?

What can I do to make this world a better place?

These are all important questions that I don't really have any response to. I need to start figuring these things out...because my life has no mission until I start to grasp at these questions.

I've seen so many people with brilliant eyes. Black, white, yellow, red, and green people. HEhe. PEople half-awake, half-hearted, and half-way to enlightenment. We are all bodhisattivas of the earth, but do I believe it? Can I truly in my heart-of-hearts believe that EVERYONE is a bodhisattiva of the earth, that they have a buddha nature? Can I believe that I have this buddha nature.

I'm enjoying my time here, but I can feel my life's negative and positive forces battling it out.

It's such an amazing feeling to feel this. My life is really alive. I must pursue my mission, even if I don't really know what it is. I must push my life to constantly follow in the steps of Ikeda Sensei and make my life Nam-myoho-renge-kyo. Nam - harmony, myo - mystic, ho - law, renge - lotus flower, kyo - teaching/vibration/sound.

Nam Myoho Renge Kyo.

-Andy pandy in florida.