i feel empty right now.

I dunno why. I just don't feel motivated to do much of anything at all.

I'm torn in my heart and i can't do anything because of it.

This sux.

I'm not really wanting to write much, so i'll leave it up to y'all's imagination.

I'm going to be in Vegas for the next couple of days (leaving tomorrow morning and getting back the night of the 30th).

Maybe more later tonight.

"I dunno if i want to throw-up or go to the bathroom" (quote's not exacty) :allison (27.04.03)
"he ran away with another cat... that's why..." :roby (28.04.03)

quote: "I've been at it (conjugating verbs in japanese) for an hour and a half, and I've still only got 19 verbs conjugated 7 different ways. and I'm not TOUCHING the verbs for putting on clothing. No way in hell: everything is kimasu as far as I'm concerned." -Salem

Ok, so i've not really had much to report:

I've watched "Hero" a couple of times this week so far, and I'm probably gonna watch it again on Sunday: there's a lot to digest in this film.

I'm done with 2 finals (including one non-final-final). EnviroScience tuesday (today), I think I did decent. And photo on monday, the non-final final.

Umm...Today (wednesday) no final, I have writing (commskills) on thursday and spanish on friday.

It's going to be a pretty ok week after now.

I'm going to Vegas on the 29-30. It's actually for learning cluster. We get to go to Hoover and i bet we're staying somewhere in vegas.

I'll try to post more when I feel like I've had time to digest what my mind's been going through recently.

Yay! It works again!

the question now is whether this will look good...i wonder if the line breask are working again. Let's see.

Hmm...

I've had the week from hell.

Good thing it's finally over.

Monday to today...no real time to rest.
Finals begin on Monday of next week...in other words, about 24 hours from now.
Need more sleep.

Always.

Ok, Monday was the bus day. It wasn't that bad, it was fun, but I didn't like being
alone for the whole time. It would have passed better if someone else has been with me.
Though, I think I caught something walking in the rain in Anaheim, waiting for the bus to go
back into Santa Ana Civic Center.

Tuesday, just stressful because I had to prep for my photo thing from 7p-4a (of course,
with a break for Buffy in there somewheres). It was a long night. And I didn't sleep until
5:30 because I had to finish my Artist Statement.

More than that, on Wednesday I had to finish my section of the group Environmental
Science paper. I don't think I did very well on my section, so I was worried and stressed
the whole day. So, I stayed up pretty late writing that on Wednesday.

Thursday through Saturday was all Pearl stuff. Getting layout, pictures, articles. Losing
a copy once or twice. Getting things printed was hell because we were using Publisher,
which is a RAM hogging thing and then continuing on and getting it printed was pretty
tough. Once we printed it once, somewhere between the computer and the printer/copier,
the text size and characteristics and the actual font got changed within an article and we
had to 'recall' the issue and take out the center page and reprint.

Phew!

Now it's done.

I watched a pretty good movie tonight called "Quitting" - a chinese almost documentary.
It is really so good because it is mostly non-fiction and the only reasin it's fiction was
because they had to recreate the scenes and the spaces. But other than that the
people in the film had gone through the actual experiences.

))))) TV - MTV2 - Civic Commercial ))) "When you drive a car you never have to think
about, what will you think about?" )))))

Ouch. Somethings whacko with the blogger...i hope it'll be ok within the day.

Today has been the longest day from hell.

I can't believe that I've made it this far. I mean, come on, I was up until 5:30 this morning
finishing my photo project. And I bet I'm pretty cranky tomorrow too. I don't forsee a
very long sleep tonight either.

Hack hack sniffle sniffle...Sick to boot.

Brain no function. Heart out of order. Soul out for lunch. Emotions everywhere else.
I think I just need to take a day and sleep.

]]]]]PM5K (Powerman 5000) - "When Worlds Collide"]]]]]

Ok, so I've been very very non-commital for everything in the last few days. And I
know I should be doing everything on time and non-procrastinatingly. But, sorry
people, whoever reads this that is, I have priorities, and they were from Photo then
Spanish, then now Writing and lastly Environmental Science. So, I'm sorry, but
my priorities are set and have been set since around Sunday. Unfortunately, the
world revolves around me for the moment. Unaplogetic I am for the moment. But
i'm just being straightforward. (Do I sound apolegetic at all?)

The good thing at this moment is that I have no real Writing homework to talk of
and that I can do everything for ES. Though I'm so sad that I couldn't go count
flys (I know it sounds *very* fun...it actually is) on Tuesday morning. I also wanted
to go down to the beach, but for the same reason that I was unable to count flys
(bed from 12:30a to 10:30a, after a 19hour day, was warranted and made me
incapable of moving from my bed), I couldn't get a waiver signed. >Sigh<

Sometimes I feel so inadequate. Why do I limit myself? Who cares about what
others think? Well...I mean I do. But why does that stop me from doing
somethings? Like being totally honest with myself and the person who I have a
crush on and tell them how i feel. If they're reading this now and know who they
are...good for you. You are the supersleuth of the year.

All of this, comes from my photo project, of course you guys know what that is
right? No? Ok, so I went and took pictures of the people on the bus on Monday,
all day monday. I realized printing pictures last night and this morning that I really
didn't have that many pictures of people. Whether in groups or by themselves.
So, that sucked first of all for my photo presentation and second of all for my self-
esteem. I realized that I'm timid around people...to the point of being hazardous
to myself. I know people look at me and try to start conversation, but at the same
time my body language and attitude don't support anything of the sort. I push
people away at an unconscious level.

The question is "Why?." I don't know. Was I abused as a child? No, not as far
as I know. Was I ever sexually abused? That's a probable no. Though with N.
and E. and K. from back home, you never know. But when they say that I went
to New Mexico (to AngelFire), I'm pretty sure I never went there, so I assume they
just think I was there. Did I ever feel alone as a child? Yes. A bunch, I mean the
first 5 years of my life were in pretty much a very old or college student-filled n
eighborhood. The closest kid to me was on the next street over. Lack of
sociability skills learned in the formative years of my life, I guess.

Or at least that's my best guess. I don't know if that's the answer...but what
matters is that I want to change how I act and react to people around me. I
feel like I'm an ass to people I know at a surface level. And I want to change it.
Fuck! I want to change it now.

Then the little voices in my head say, "no not now, you have papers,
studying, and all that to do!".

At the same time, I know that a drastic change is never good, it's only through
hard consistent work that I'll change anything and everything I would like to.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
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AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR
RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR
RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG
GGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG
GGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

And I think...if only, I had a boyfriend...if only I had a car...if only i had this or
that. I know that it's not just that...but I need to change myself so that I can
get those things. Because it's not gonna be having those things that will cure
me, but changing myself to allow myself to get these things that will cure me.

"Being grown up isn't half as fun as growing up: / These are the best days of
our lives. / The only thing that matters / is just following your heart, / and
eventually you'll finally get it right."
--The Ataris "In This Diary".

I think I've hit my peak of breaking down my mental systems tonight. Check
with me to see if i'm despondent or things of that nature later.

"I want a moment to be real...want to touch things i don't feel / Want to hold on and feel i belong / How can the world want me to change? they're the ones that stay the same." -"I'm still here" (John Rzeznik)

Yesterday, I did a lot.

I rode the bus all over Orange County, or actually, at least a large portion of it.

I got up at 5 in the morning and was away from Soka until at least 6pm.

Unfortunately, I think I lost my water bottle. However, the day was interesting.

Some highlights:
-Talked to an evangelical person who invited me to a concert going on at Irvine's Verizon Ampitheatre on Saturday.
-Saw many, many cute guys. (Soka Vision!)
-Flirted with a couple of guys and got a response from one.
-Ate an amazing cinamon roll and chai for lunch.
-Got 2 dramas written by Ionesco. "Bald Soprano" and "Rhinoceros".
-Spent just $2.50 on the ticket to ride around the whole day.
-Didn't go to work, class, or bed until 12pm.

Pretty long day and I have to say I have a long night tonight. Sigh.

Later.

My birthday was Thursday 10 April 2003. I got a call from my parents. It was nice. And I got a card on the 11th too.

The most surprising and interesting things were that my friends surprised me at the Talent show that we had for the accepted students. I practically pissed my pants. First of all, I had drank 2 liters of water and hadn't gone to the bathroom. Second, I hadn't gone to the bathroom in about 2 hours or so. Third, Ellie was dancing, Jessica was dressed in I-dunno-how-to-describe-it style to deliver the message. Fourth, about 20-25 Class of 2007 students were here (thus the reason for the talent blast). Fifth, 140 people singing "Happy Birthday" to you is fucking scary! And sixth, I hadn't gone to the bathroom.

I was absolutely surprised. Completely, utterly (not udderly), and totally surprised. Wow!

I mean there were many chances that, apparently, I could have noticed that they were doing something, but I didn't. Totally flew over my head.

I really am still running on the high of that night.

I love those who put the surprise together. I mean they were really good. I got an email from "weloveandy@hotmail.com" and I suspected something, but they were able to keep things hush and keep things quiet. And I, of course, still have yet to get my card, appreciate all the work that went in to it. I can't believe it.

OMG, I love them all!

(sniff) (sniff)

;_)

The last few days have been spent meeting, tending to, babysitting, jamming, chilling, and having fun with prospective students of the Soka U, Aliso Viejo, Class of 2007.

God I feel old!

This class is smarter than us too. Just like we were smarter than the CO2005...well at least standardized test-wise.

I met so many people of the 20 or so students who came that are interesting and will definitely change our soka community. Hopefully, the other 90 or so students that have been accepted to Soka will be similar also.

The campus was so lively with all the ExperienceSoka students, but with them now gone, we have to go back to the daily grind and work our way through all of our problems; so it feels somber here.

Oh, well...they're going to actually be here in about 4 months or so. I mean it's august that they'll be here.

Maybe I should do homework. I want to be to bed by 12 tonight right? Hmm...maybe...i mean it's only 23...:D.

Procrastination...as good as liquor!

I am a long-winded, loquatious, asian!

The Log
Dinner: Something that looked like bread; chicken pot pie; veggies; a coke; and a water. Time [less than 10 mins]
Discussion: The usual: mainly weird stuff about your skin (pinch it, if it stays up then you're dehydrated).

Class: Enviro Science
Damn, long day. Mucho experimentation with H20!!! Took so long!

Lunch: Teriyaki Chicken on rice with some veggies in there Time [less than 5 mins]
Discussion: None, ate during a break from EnviroScience.

Class: Writing
Oi! Presentations, all pretty cool. Michael B's lasted a long time. He said umm at least 103 times. Kinda annoying to have that many umms...but I bet I do it more often. Chester's: WuShu, very cool. Liked it a lot. Gigi's: Mexico. Very cool. Liked all the pictures. Very sensorific presentation. [/] We start watching BladeRunner on Thursday! WHOOOHOOO!!!

Breakfast: Bagel; Fruits; OJ; Water.
Discussion: None, sat alone; t'was nice...but I wish there were more people up in the mornings and NOT in class when I'm up.

"Sweet like candy to my soul...I'm so lost for you..." -"Crash" (DMB)

God...i feel like i bitch too often and too much. I mean I *AM* at a great university, in southern california, where i feel like i'm home and that i have great friends here. I guess that's the inner true pessimist in me. I can't help but bitch, even about bitching...ha ha ha. Sigh.

On the other hand, i guess that's what I find easiest to do. Take the armchair method and sit back and say something, but do nothing. It's so easy to be an 'intellectual' and bitch about yourself and your surroundings. In other words: it's easy to criticize. But it's a totally different thing to actually go out and change something. It may be harder, but it's better.

That means that i have to take up the attitude that i will change something "from this day onward."

Being sarcastic and critical is easy. Being sarcastic, critical, and actually doing something is a whole different world. Is that why I am here? To learn that and then to start to put that into action?

There's so many things that distract from that to...from your goals...from what you want. (Love, lust, chocolate, and homework). How will I stay focused on my goal?

Do I know where I am going?

The crowd responds with a resounding: "NO!"

Will I eventually figure out?

The crowd sits and stares back blankly and says: "Will you?"

I walk off and think...

"Now this is what's like when worlds collide..." -Powerman 5000 (When Worlds Collide)

"I've put my trust in you, / pushed as far as i can go / for all this there's only one thing you should know: /
I've tried so hard, and got so far, but in the end it doesn't even matter." -Linkin Park

quote: "I'm on a high peak of needing someone." - roby

i'm bored...more information later.

"Ya soshla s uma...ya soshla s uma"

030403 [15C @ 17.50]
Ok...so since i'm not doing anything, I'll write

I'm mental. Did you know that? I need to see shrink...or so I think. But I won't because well, I really don't believe that I do.

That's why I'm saying that I'm mental. I never feel like I do what I say. I feel that I say something and then don't act on that conviction. Is that bad? Yes. Of course. But, it's bothering me now...and has been for a while.

Why can I not do anything that I mentally say I will? Does it matter if I say it mentally to myself? I think it should or does. But, if I think it do I mean it? There are so many thoughts that go through my head every second...many of them conflicting...does that mean I mean to follow through on every thought?




No.

I guess not.

More thoughts later...it's a thinking night.

I want to have a boyfriend too.

I want a nokia 5100.

010403 - Clear. [16C at 17.55]
I can't believe how long i've ignored this thing...

Way too long

So mostly I've been doing nothing. Like usual.

I'm so happy.

We had the Laramie Project. I can't believe that everything went so well. We made more than 800 total in tickets and in refreshments. I think that's amazing for the little amount of work that we had to do. It makes me feel kinda odd that we get to profit off of the amazing students from OCHSA's work.

"You are the dancing queen..." - what's playing now...

These students are very cool and I hope that some of them someday do come to Soka. That'd be great to have amazing actors and actresses like that.
I don't think that my HS compares to those students, esp with such little knowledge of the characters. I mean, some of the characters, were a bit 'out-there' well at least the students' interpretations of them...just a few...but I think that these students understood the characters very well.

I can't believe that these students are so good. WOW! Mature, young, AND amazing actors/esses. Just...WOW!

It doesn't even matter that when these kids grow up...they'll be beautiful too. Got it all...arts, beauty, brains.

I also met this guy that went to UNC, in greeley. He was one of the panel. Spoke for a while with him about CO. The amazing place it is and how much there still is to change. Also, we talked a bit about Matthew Shepard's death's impact on us and 'us'.

"Must have been...mid-afternoon / I could tell, by how far, the child's shadow streched-out / and...he walked with a purpose..." - what's playing right now.

It was nice meeting someone from back home. It's odd to find so many coloradoans in CA...it's like they're not separate states. Well, we did get alot of their ppl...and alot of their ppl went back with ppl from CO.