Today has been the longest day from hell.

I can't believe that I've made it this far. I mean, come on, I was up until 5:30 this morning
finishing my photo project. And I bet I'm pretty cranky tomorrow too. I don't forsee a
very long sleep tonight either.

Hack hack sniffle sniffle...Sick to boot.

Brain no function. Heart out of order. Soul out for lunch. Emotions everywhere else.
I think I just need to take a day and sleep.

]]]]]PM5K (Powerman 5000) - "When Worlds Collide"]]]]]

Ok, so I've been very very non-commital for everything in the last few days. And I
know I should be doing everything on time and non-procrastinatingly. But, sorry
people, whoever reads this that is, I have priorities, and they were from Photo then
Spanish, then now Writing and lastly Environmental Science. So, I'm sorry, but
my priorities are set and have been set since around Sunday. Unfortunately, the
world revolves around me for the moment. Unaplogetic I am for the moment. But
i'm just being straightforward. (Do I sound apolegetic at all?)

The good thing at this moment is that I have no real Writing homework to talk of
and that I can do everything for ES. Though I'm so sad that I couldn't go count
flys (I know it sounds *very* fun...it actually is) on Tuesday morning. I also wanted
to go down to the beach, but for the same reason that I was unable to count flys
(bed from 12:30a to 10:30a, after a 19hour day, was warranted and made me
incapable of moving from my bed), I couldn't get a waiver signed. >Sigh<

Sometimes I feel so inadequate. Why do I limit myself? Who cares about what
others think? Well...I mean I do. But why does that stop me from doing
somethings? Like being totally honest with myself and the person who I have a
crush on and tell them how i feel. If they're reading this now and know who they
are...good for you. You are the supersleuth of the year.

All of this, comes from my photo project, of course you guys know what that is
right? No? Ok, so I went and took pictures of the people on the bus on Monday,
all day monday. I realized printing pictures last night and this morning that I really
didn't have that many pictures of people. Whether in groups or by themselves.
So, that sucked first of all for my photo presentation and second of all for my self-
esteem. I realized that I'm timid around people...to the point of being hazardous
to myself. I know people look at me and try to start conversation, but at the same
time my body language and attitude don't support anything of the sort. I push
people away at an unconscious level.

The question is "Why?." I don't know. Was I abused as a child? No, not as far
as I know. Was I ever sexually abused? That's a probable no. Though with N.
and E. and K. from back home, you never know. But when they say that I went
to New Mexico (to AngelFire), I'm pretty sure I never went there, so I assume they
just think I was there. Did I ever feel alone as a child? Yes. A bunch, I mean the
first 5 years of my life were in pretty much a very old or college student-filled n
eighborhood. The closest kid to me was on the next street over. Lack of
sociability skills learned in the formative years of my life, I guess.

Or at least that's my best guess. I don't know if that's the answer...but what
matters is that I want to change how I act and react to people around me. I
feel like I'm an ass to people I know at a surface level. And I want to change it.
Fuck! I want to change it now.

Then the little voices in my head say, "no not now, you have papers,
studying, and all that to do!".

At the same time, I know that a drastic change is never good, it's only through
hard consistent work that I'll change anything and everything I would like to.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
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AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR
RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR
RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG
GGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG
GGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

And I think...if only, I had a boyfriend...if only I had a car...if only i had this or
that. I know that it's not just that...but I need to change myself so that I can
get those things. Because it's not gonna be having those things that will cure
me, but changing myself to allow myself to get these things that will cure me.

"Being grown up isn't half as fun as growing up: / These are the best days of
our lives. / The only thing that matters / is just following your heart, / and
eventually you'll finally get it right."
--The Ataris "In This Diary".

I think I've hit my peak of breaking down my mental systems tonight. Check
with me to see if i'm despondent or things of that nature later.