Don't call me sweetie...
9 years ago
30.9.03
God 2 papers, like 60 pages of reading at least, AND spanish vocab! The day after I have chinese vocab quiz...and calc. I think bloody hell will rain tonight and tomorrow!
Victorious Identity...victorious friends.
Identity is in need of serious communication reworkings. I think that the club needs to support itself and less the activites that it does. With that in mind, however, we need to organize the events for Come Out! week. It seems that the gods are out to get us...:P. However, ya know what, we won't let them get to us.
More planning and prep need to go into our activites, and less unilateral decision making.
Victorious friends...with faith.
Today I witnessed the mental breakdown of a person, though I have seen this b4, it is not something that for me had happened in public b4.
My only words of advice are to have faith in yourself (in the gohonzon, in whatever you so may choose) because so long as you have faith, you won't be detered by the problems of life (whatever you need will always be there) and you will have confidence that it will be so. Oh day-before-yesterday and yesterday's Daily Guidance are also really good.
I hope you are doing better ED. I'm here to listen.
Victorious self...with faith, practice, & study.
How do I increase my study. I've started re-reading the Discussions on Youth. It's a step. I went to the Sunday Discussion, that's another step. What else can I do? Advice ne1?
Identity is in need of serious communication reworkings. I think that the club needs to support itself and less the activites that it does. With that in mind, however, we need to organize the events for Come Out! week. It seems that the gods are out to get us...:P. However, ya know what, we won't let them get to us.
More planning and prep need to go into our activites, and less unilateral decision making.
Victorious friends...with faith.
Today I witnessed the mental breakdown of a person, though I have seen this b4, it is not something that for me had happened in public b4.
My only words of advice are to have faith in yourself (in the gohonzon, in whatever you so may choose) because so long as you have faith, you won't be detered by the problems of life (whatever you need will always be there) and you will have confidence that it will be so. Oh day-before-yesterday and yesterday's Daily Guidance are also really good.
I hope you are doing better ED. I'm here to listen.
Victorious self...with faith, practice, & study.
How do I increase my study. I've started re-reading the Discussions on Youth. It's a step. I went to the Sunday Discussion, that's another step. What else can I do? Advice ne1?
29.9.03
28.9.03
Today was an interesting day...what can I say. I felt like I did a lot.
Finally, ED gave my the approval I needed...je parle. On parle. Parlons!
I did my OCPN stuff. Which was finally cool to get a lot of that stuff outta tha way.
There's 5 hours for last week. Another 5 hours or so this week and I think that I'll get all my OCPN stuff fixed. However, you know the way technology works, this website won't be anywhere in the next 7 days. (Angrily shakes his fist into outer space).
I had a Pearl meeting; more like I walked in on a Pearl meeting. Why does EF always have a worried look on her face at meetings, I noticed this night at the Sunday night Discussion too. It seems like she don't seem happy at meetings. However, happy outside of them. Then again, we were discussing heavy topix at both meetings tonight.
So back to the Pearl meeting (pearl = newspaper), we were discussing a topic of importance to the community, but whether it is our place to report on it. After the thing last year with McGiness and Balitzer...who probably wouldn't be here right now anyways...it's like we're stepping on eggshells to not be the thing that incites another "protest on the green."
Speaking of which, freshmen know a lot. I recant my statement about them needing to know more about what went on...they've already started asking themselves. However, the speaking in tongues thing, I still agree we should stop. There's already the tongues for SGI we don't need another tongues for the McGiness-email thingy. I don't want to hear about it, just like a lot of people; we've discussed the whole McGiness thing enough, but the freshmen do deserve to know...so that they know that it has worked and that the student body is vulnerable like that.
Back to the Pearl, yet again. We're probably not publishing in a week, though I'd like to. We don't have any meaty stories that we could publish. MB's Iraq Article, don't seem to be enough, we need more campus news and more "feature" kindsof stuff.
Boys...want one. But, don't really need one.
So, at the meeting on Friday I went to, MikeS asked a question about why it seems that our prayers take longer to be answered as adults than as children. It was agreed on that it's because you're more egotistical as an adult, trying to manipulate the gohonzon in to doing whatever it is you want. Scheming for your prayers, so that if this happens then this happens. That discussion led me to think about how and about what I pray. So, is it bad if you pray for things that end up going illogically? This is related to the one-liner above.
Is wanting a jock bad? or is that just who gets me off? No one in particular, though if you asked I could tell you a few that I wouldn't mind...(devil).
I pray for someone to love. But why? So that I can be happy. Ok, so then chant about being happy.
I pray to be happy so that attract someone I can love.
Is that the right way to chant? My mind says yes, but I can't tell what my heart says. My id says it's the first way; my ego...dunno...and my superego...is out shopping for new Prada clothes. Hence, what's the real way. How do I become happy, then, if I have to become happy to then become someone that's lovable and gets into the right situations to be loved.
I know it in my head, but not in my heart...I have practice, but that's it. How come I can't study and have faith? What is it that is limiting me? Myself?
Yah, probably. Why? How can I change it?
Strangely, I have the feeling that I don't want to really answer that question.
Then why that? Because I can't see myself as being happy? Is that why?
But that leads to bemoaning the past, where can I go differently?...I've been down that road already, it ends up where I keep on not wanting to end up. That's not beautiful...that's not living.
It's time to think and pray...
Je m'endormirai en quelques minutes...j3 v3ux pr4ct1qu3r l3 fr4nc4a1s. J3 t3 p4rl3 4 d3m31n...
Bonne nuit!
Finally, ED gave my the approval I needed...je parle. On parle. Parlons!
I did my OCPN stuff. Which was finally cool to get a lot of that stuff outta tha way.
There's 5 hours for last week. Another 5 hours or so this week and I think that I'll get all my OCPN stuff fixed. However, you know the way technology works, this website won't be anywhere in the next 7 days. (Angrily shakes his fist into outer space).
I had a Pearl meeting; more like I walked in on a Pearl meeting. Why does EF always have a worried look on her face at meetings, I noticed this night at the Sunday night Discussion too. It seems like she don't seem happy at meetings. However, happy outside of them. Then again, we were discussing heavy topix at both meetings tonight.
So back to the Pearl meeting (pearl = newspaper), we were discussing a topic of importance to the community, but whether it is our place to report on it. After the thing last year with McGiness and Balitzer...who probably wouldn't be here right now anyways...it's like we're stepping on eggshells to not be the thing that incites another "protest on the green."
Speaking of which, freshmen know a lot. I recant my statement about them needing to know more about what went on...they've already started asking themselves. However, the speaking in tongues thing, I still agree we should stop. There's already the tongues for SGI we don't need another tongues for the McGiness-email thingy. I don't want to hear about it, just like a lot of people; we've discussed the whole McGiness thing enough, but the freshmen do deserve to know...so that they know that it has worked and that the student body is vulnerable like that.
Back to the Pearl, yet again. We're probably not publishing in a week, though I'd like to. We don't have any meaty stories that we could publish. MB's Iraq Article, don't seem to be enough, we need more campus news and more "feature" kindsof stuff.
Boys...want one. But, don't really need one.
So, at the meeting on Friday I went to, MikeS asked a question about why it seems that our prayers take longer to be answered as adults than as children. It was agreed on that it's because you're more egotistical as an adult, trying to manipulate the gohonzon in to doing whatever it is you want. Scheming for your prayers, so that if this happens then this happens. That discussion led me to think about how and about what I pray. So, is it bad if you pray for things that end up going illogically? This is related to the one-liner above.
Is wanting a jock bad? or is that just who gets me off? No one in particular, though if you asked I could tell you a few that I wouldn't mind...(devil).
I pray for someone to love. But why? So that I can be happy. Ok, so then chant about being happy.
I pray to be happy so that attract someone I can love.
Is that the right way to chant? My mind says yes, but I can't tell what my heart says. My id says it's the first way; my ego...dunno...and my superego...is out shopping for new Prada clothes. Hence, what's the real way. How do I become happy, then, if I have to become happy to then become someone that's lovable and gets into the right situations to be loved.
I know it in my head, but not in my heart...I have practice, but that's it. How come I can't study and have faith? What is it that is limiting me? Myself?
Yah, probably. Why? How can I change it?
Strangely, I have the feeling that I don't want to really answer that question.
Then why that? Because I can't see myself as being happy? Is that why?
But that leads to bemoaning the past, where can I go differently?...I've been down that road already, it ends up where I keep on not wanting to end up. That's not beautiful...that's not living.
It's time to think and pray...
Je m'endormirai en quelques minutes...j3 v3ux pr4ct1qu3r l3 fr4nc4a1s. J3 t3 p4rl3 4 d3m31n...
Bonne nuit!
27.9.03
26.9.03
25.9.03
People, are hard to get. Deciphering people's actions, and the like...is difficult. Hopefully I am getting better at understanding people's heart. I think I am. But am I?
It's amazing that I live in a state that is holding a national, international 3-ring circus. Whoo hoo...
It's weird thinking that there could be a quake. There was a quake today in Japan, at the epicenter 8.0 but in the major city closest by it was a 4.0. Some notices of 7-foot tsunamis, but nothing major. Some damage, but nothing like anything that you would think when the word "earthquake" is said.
24.9.03
MOI!, je parle le francais. Mais bien sur. J'ai pris les classe de francais pendant 7 annees. Je ne peux pas oublier le francais. Mais, il nous (ou me) faut le practiquer. A bientot. Je me dormirai.
I box for CR we have gotten and if we can organize ourselves we shall send it to her. Sorry, so late! Happy belated Birthday CR. We miss you. Tu nous manque. (See ED I can write French!)
22.9.03
So, I guess I should update.
I think I'm in an OK place. Much stuff could be said, but I feel that I don't have anything really worth saying. I want to have someone to talk to. But, I don't know if I can find him. I want to have someone. Lust? Yet again. I remember what happened last time, and don't want to have that kinda stuff. Drahma, drahma, drahma, all on my part. I don't want to get sucked into feelings like that.
I don't know where I'm headed...I need to get back to doing my 30 mins a day of gongyo because I feel like I'm lost. God...sometimes tis so hard to stay focused.
I need to go to bed.
I need a reset. I'll write more when I feel more stable.
I think I'm in an OK place. Much stuff could be said, but I feel that I don't have anything really worth saying. I want to have someone to talk to. But, I don't know if I can find him. I want to have someone. Lust? Yet again. I remember what happened last time, and don't want to have that kinda stuff. Drahma, drahma, drahma, all on my part. I don't want to get sucked into feelings like that.
I don't know where I'm headed...I need to get back to doing my 30 mins a day of gongyo because I feel like I'm lost. God...sometimes tis so hard to stay focused.
I need to go to bed.
I need a reset. I'll write more when I feel more stable.
11.9.03
So, I guess I should update.
9/11 is a sad day for me. I don't know why. I don't know anyone directly who was killed in the WTC attacks. I know people who had family die, and that, but for some reason, 9/11 is just a sad day for me.
I guess my view of the world didn't stand the test of that day. I didn't think that America was such a bad place as people would kill innocent US citizens to get their points across.
I'm also sad because we've started two things now as Americans, and haven't cleaned them up properly. Afghanistan is still a backward country dealing with power-struggles as well as Iraq. It is forming a semblance of a better life, but it's distinctly American in flavour and taste.
9/11 is a sad day for me. I don't know why. I don't know anyone directly who was killed in the WTC attacks. I know people who had family die, and that, but for some reason, 9/11 is just a sad day for me.
I guess my view of the world didn't stand the test of that day. I didn't think that America was such a bad place as people would kill innocent US citizens to get their points across.
I'm also sad because we've started two things now as Americans, and haven't cleaned them up properly. Afghanistan is still a backward country dealing with power-struggles as well as Iraq. It is forming a semblance of a better life, but it's distinctly American in flavour and taste.
9.9.03
Okay, so after the post-meeting glow...I wonder where do you find the drive to keep on going with that glow and not let it be forgotten? Waht can I do? Do you guys have any advice?
I want to change, but it's easy to slip back into your habitual lives and just ... just ... lose yourself in ... I know it sounds weird but ... yourself.
When I think about it. What am I looking for? What (AND who) will make me happy? What is it that I want to change and do I really want to change it? Those are the questions I am dealing with right now in my life...and I don't think I like the answers I'm recieving.
What's posted on my grease-board right now:
"Toi, si beau. Viens a moi. Tes levres et tes bras me carreseront. Ton sourire me feront heureux et content. Que tu viendras a moi." ("You, so beautiful. Come to me. Your lips and your arms will caress me. Your smile will make me happy and content. But, if you would only come to me.")
It's like I'm asking for a gift to be placed in my lap::albeit a beautiful, happy, and loving gift. What am I doing? This is not what I want! Come on ANDY...BE that which you know you can be...not the lazy ass you make yourself seem. BE the person you want to be and not the person you know you are. Change for the better.
Better yesterday than today, Better tomorrow than today.
Please, consider that I am happy where I am, I just know that I can do better.
----------------------
E: You know, if you don't confront the person...this problem will only persist. I think I know who you are talking about, and they may even know it. However, if you don't confront them...it will only be bad for all parties involved. Even if they deny that they are trying to do whatever you feel they are doing, it still doesn't change the fact that you feel that way and that they need to change their actions. Otherwise, we all end up frustrated and lost.
Hope your having a better night tonight than before!
You deserve to have a better one, I miss the happier Ellie. :P
---------------------
Pandy-name-giver...if you visit here:
Things are going okay. I mean, what could I expect...the worst...and it didn't happen. I did hope for the best, which was pflag-organizing, rainbow-flag-waving parents, but I guess that was hoping for too much from Asian parents. I do think that it will take my mom a long while to get used to this. Some of the things she says are too reminicient of right-winged bastard talk, and that scares me. It shouldn't but it does and gets me down. The last two weeks, though to some it may not have seemd like it, were really tough for me. I almost had a break-down on friday, just wanting to give up on life. However, I managed to deal with it, refreshed myself on friday night and saturday with my best friends here and got back on track on sunday. Now I just got this hole I dug to deal with. Hopefully I'll be better by the end of the week. Got plans to go to my first gay club, well a /real/ gay club on friday, and disneyland on saturday. I hope to have fun and not have to worry about depressing things. I miss you and ryan and the rest of thems peoples. Plus I miss being in certain places in FC: namely up on horsetooth trying to make fire, having the crap scared out of us by hick fishermen floating around at night trawling/fishing.
--------------------
Please keep all comments clean all y'all.
Peace, love, and (not chocolate milk but...) sanity.
--------------------
Andy (being a bad person, not going to bed early enough)
I want to change, but it's easy to slip back into your habitual lives and just ... just ... lose yourself in ... I know it sounds weird but ... yourself.
When I think about it. What am I looking for? What (AND who) will make me happy? What is it that I want to change and do I really want to change it? Those are the questions I am dealing with right now in my life...and I don't think I like the answers I'm recieving.
What's posted on my grease-board right now:
"Toi, si beau. Viens a moi. Tes levres et tes bras me carreseront. Ton sourire me feront heureux et content. Que tu viendras a moi." ("You, so beautiful. Come to me. Your lips and your arms will caress me. Your smile will make me happy and content. But, if you would only come to me.")
It's like I'm asking for a gift to be placed in my lap::albeit a beautiful, happy, and loving gift. What am I doing? This is not what I want! Come on ANDY...BE that which you know you can be...not the lazy ass you make yourself seem. BE the person you want to be and not the person you know you are. Change for the better.
Better yesterday than today, Better tomorrow than today.
Please, consider that I am happy where I am, I just know that I can do better.
----------------------
E: You know, if you don't confront the person...this problem will only persist. I think I know who you are talking about, and they may even know it. However, if you don't confront them...it will only be bad for all parties involved. Even if they deny that they are trying to do whatever you feel they are doing, it still doesn't change the fact that you feel that way and that they need to change their actions. Otherwise, we all end up frustrated and lost.
Hope your having a better night tonight than before!
You deserve to have a better one, I miss the happier Ellie. :P
---------------------
Pandy-name-giver...if you visit here:
Things are going okay. I mean, what could I expect...the worst...and it didn't happen. I did hope for the best, which was pflag-organizing, rainbow-flag-waving parents, but I guess that was hoping for too much from Asian parents. I do think that it will take my mom a long while to get used to this. Some of the things she says are too reminicient of right-winged bastard talk, and that scares me. It shouldn't but it does and gets me down. The last two weeks, though to some it may not have seemd like it, were really tough for me. I almost had a break-down on friday, just wanting to give up on life. However, I managed to deal with it, refreshed myself on friday night and saturday with my best friends here and got back on track on sunday. Now I just got this hole I dug to deal with. Hopefully I'll be better by the end of the week. Got plans to go to my first gay club, well a /real/ gay club on friday, and disneyland on saturday. I hope to have fun and not have to worry about depressing things. I miss you and ryan and the rest of thems peoples. Plus I miss being in certain places in FC: namely up on horsetooth trying to make fire, having the crap scared out of us by hick fishermen floating around at night trawling/fishing.
--------------------
Please keep all comments clean all y'all.
Peace, love, and (not chocolate milk but...) sanity.
--------------------
Andy (being a bad person, not going to bed early enough)
7.9.03
Okay, so for the Andy-hasn't-written-in-this-blog-for-nearly-two-weeks update.
Today has been a better day than the 24th of August. I saw that guy again and this time I wasn't afraid to go over and shake his hand, and talk to him. It seems that he's in LA interning at the SGIPlaza place. It sounds like a very cool thing; Shane is there, the guy from Denver and it seems that Shane and Eddie are both having a great time. It's such a nice thing to know people whom you have a connection with and to be able to meet up with them at SGI events.
Today (more like yesterday) was a great day. I woke up at 10h30 and made it to the WPIA / WCC by 13h05 so that we could attend the greatest meeting I've ever been to. It was the SoCal SGI-USA Youth General Meeting/national teleconference/YPG recital. It was amazing to say the least.
Everything today brought things back into focus for me. What is most important is my happiness. I can become happy as I am. Not as trying to be another person. That doesn't mean that I shouldn't try to become better physically, emotionally, etc.; I still have to grow, but it means that I can become happy in this lifetime by making myself grow.
If I don't try to grow, then what's the point of living life.
Thus, today, I have decided to try to stop doing certain things I know I do and start doing things that are good for me.
(1) Stop Limiting myself to certain people/groups/acts
(2) Stop Labeling people from my stereotypes
(3) Start Living
(4) Start Living to become happy
(5) Start writing Sensei.
This is just a short list of things I know I should start doing, but I know I need to start changing my life. Three months to the new year and I know that this is a long time, I can change my life. If I fail at changing my life, then I have at least gotten the process started.
If I've made efforts to start changing myself, then I can be happy. I will not let anyone, anything, or myself step in front of my true self and stop me from becoming happy. I change because I must. I feel as if I'm on the inside of a glass box looking out a lot of the times. I now want to step out of the glass box and see what's out there. I'm afraid of what is out there, "out there" is the unknown, which scares me a lot. However, the "out there," where I take responsibility, is freer than inside the glass box I think I live in now.
Have I lost my mind? Yes, perhaps, and if I have, then I know it's for the better. Do I exist as I once did, as a child. I hope not. It would be sad to see that I have not grown at all during the last 10 years of my life.
20 years fast approaches, I have 7 months to my birthday. Perchance I will see my parents for thanksgiving, but most definitely for christmas.
My mother is a cause for my sadness. Do you know the feeling when you can feel your heart? When you can feel the pit in your chest where your heart once lived, now dies. I know that it will take my parents a long time to understand, or at least my mother. But, my heart is so heavy and so shredded that I don't know if I'll ever be able to repair it. However, that doesn't preclude me from trying. I'm up for a challenge.
How did this happen? Why can't I focus on anything more than the fact that my mother can't come to see that I can become happy as I am. She knows this, but it seems she doesn't. Telling me to "come back to myself"...what "self" could she be talking about? The one where I was miserable and sad even more than it seems I am now? Where I was afraid of telling others my sexuality. Where I was ashamed of myself.
I still am a lot of these things, but I have had a burden lifted off of me and I can live and grow as I please and not shunt and shudder along the path of my life. Perhaps I'm a drah-ma queen, but if I am one, then I'm going to be the best god-damn one there is! got it?!?!?!
What I'm realzing is that I must become happy for my mother to be happy for me and to understand. I don't see any other way than doing that. However, it is hard for me to say and it is hard for me to fathom becoming happy. Happy like they say in the World Tribune, in the Living Buddhism. Yet, I know that it is the only way.
My soul and my heart say I can become happy, but my mind doubts. My mind is the cause of my evil. My conscious mind, my conservative mind. Why can I not become happy? What is the cause that I have no right to become happy?
I have the right to be happy and loved.
Perhaps my mother and father don't _really_ love me? Perhaps they're adopted parents; it would make it easier for me to rationalize it like that, but I know it ain't true.
On Friday I was ready to give up and just say to hell with it. I felt as if I was trembling on the edge of the cliff ready to tumble down into the dark abyss of depression and self-hatred. Somehow, I came to my senses and managed to stop myself from going over. I worked out and friday night I just chilled. Saturday I went to the WCC and was refreshed spiritually. I already kinda feel my weariness back again, but I still remember the energy I left the WCC with. I know that I was truly happy there and then, no worries, knowing fully that I can become the happiest person in the world through my practice. Through my life, my happiness I could show the world how this buddhist practice works. I can show that I am happy and that I had the right to be happy.
Sensei will come to the US in the next year. I will make sure, with my life, that Sensei will come.
Today was a momentous day and I was there to experience it. If I don't work on myself and make myself to become a better person because of this, I will have wasted the efforts of the Byakuren, the Soka Group, and the Gajokai Group to have this meeting, I will have wasted the time and effort that people made into coming to these meetings and I will have wasted the time I spent at this meeting.
Thank you for all those who were apart of today's 5 September meeting at WCC and the performers. I felt that we were all the 12000 spirits of the SGi-USA who listened in to and viewed the teleconference.
Today has been a better day than the 24th of August. I saw that guy again and this time I wasn't afraid to go over and shake his hand, and talk to him. It seems that he's in LA interning at the SGIPlaza place. It sounds like a very cool thing; Shane is there, the guy from Denver and it seems that Shane and Eddie are both having a great time. It's such a nice thing to know people whom you have a connection with and to be able to meet up with them at SGI events.
Today (more like yesterday) was a great day. I woke up at 10h30 and made it to the WPIA / WCC by 13h05 so that we could attend the greatest meeting I've ever been to. It was the SoCal SGI-USA Youth General Meeting/national teleconference/YPG recital. It was amazing to say the least.
Everything today brought things back into focus for me. What is most important is my happiness. I can become happy as I am. Not as trying to be another person. That doesn't mean that I shouldn't try to become better physically, emotionally, etc.; I still have to grow, but it means that I can become happy in this lifetime by making myself grow.
If I don't try to grow, then what's the point of living life.
Thus, today, I have decided to try to stop doing certain things I know I do and start doing things that are good for me.
(1) Stop Limiting myself to certain people/groups/acts
(2) Stop Labeling people from my stereotypes
(3) Start Living
(4) Start Living to become happy
(5) Start writing Sensei.
This is just a short list of things I know I should start doing, but I know I need to start changing my life. Three months to the new year and I know that this is a long time, I can change my life. If I fail at changing my life, then I have at least gotten the process started.
If I've made efforts to start changing myself, then I can be happy. I will not let anyone, anything, or myself step in front of my true self and stop me from becoming happy. I change because I must. I feel as if I'm on the inside of a glass box looking out a lot of the times. I now want to step out of the glass box and see what's out there. I'm afraid of what is out there, "out there" is the unknown, which scares me a lot. However, the "out there," where I take responsibility, is freer than inside the glass box I think I live in now.
Have I lost my mind? Yes, perhaps, and if I have, then I know it's for the better. Do I exist as I once did, as a child. I hope not. It would be sad to see that I have not grown at all during the last 10 years of my life.
20 years fast approaches, I have 7 months to my birthday. Perchance I will see my parents for thanksgiving, but most definitely for christmas.
My mother is a cause for my sadness. Do you know the feeling when you can feel your heart? When you can feel the pit in your chest where your heart once lived, now dies. I know that it will take my parents a long time to understand, or at least my mother. But, my heart is so heavy and so shredded that I don't know if I'll ever be able to repair it. However, that doesn't preclude me from trying. I'm up for a challenge.
How did this happen? Why can't I focus on anything more than the fact that my mother can't come to see that I can become happy as I am. She knows this, but it seems she doesn't. Telling me to "come back to myself"...what "self" could she be talking about? The one where I was miserable and sad even more than it seems I am now? Where I was afraid of telling others my sexuality. Where I was ashamed of myself.
I still am a lot of these things, but I have had a burden lifted off of me and I can live and grow as I please and not shunt and shudder along the path of my life. Perhaps I'm a drah-ma queen, but if I am one, then I'm going to be the best god-damn one there is! got it?!?!?!
What I'm realzing is that I must become happy for my mother to be happy for me and to understand. I don't see any other way than doing that. However, it is hard for me to say and it is hard for me to fathom becoming happy. Happy like they say in the World Tribune, in the Living Buddhism. Yet, I know that it is the only way.
My soul and my heart say I can become happy, but my mind doubts. My mind is the cause of my evil. My conscious mind, my conservative mind. Why can I not become happy? What is the cause that I have no right to become happy?
I have the right to be happy and loved.
Perhaps my mother and father don't _really_ love me? Perhaps they're adopted parents; it would make it easier for me to rationalize it like that, but I know it ain't true.
On Friday I was ready to give up and just say to hell with it. I felt as if I was trembling on the edge of the cliff ready to tumble down into the dark abyss of depression and self-hatred. Somehow, I came to my senses and managed to stop myself from going over. I worked out and friday night I just chilled. Saturday I went to the WCC and was refreshed spiritually. I already kinda feel my weariness back again, but I still remember the energy I left the WCC with. I know that I was truly happy there and then, no worries, knowing fully that I can become the happiest person in the world through my practice. Through my life, my happiness I could show the world how this buddhist practice works. I can show that I am happy and that I had the right to be happy.
Sensei will come to the US in the next year. I will make sure, with my life, that Sensei will come.
Today was a momentous day and I was there to experience it. If I don't work on myself and make myself to become a better person because of this, I will have wasted the efforts of the Byakuren, the Soka Group, and the Gajokai Group to have this meeting, I will have wasted the time and effort that people made into coming to these meetings and I will have wasted the time I spent at this meeting.
Thank you for all those who were apart of today's 5 September meeting at WCC and the performers. I felt that we were all the 12000 spirits of the SGi-USA who listened in to and viewed the teleconference.
3.9.03
It's been a while since I've writtne.
Perhaps because I've been busy, perhaps because I've been afraid of letting myself talk about myself.
I just wanted to say that I'm not dead, like usual, I'm really busy and don't have the energy or time to keep up with the blog.
I'll write more soon, I've remembered that I have this thing.
For those who are out and about in the rest of the world, hope all is well!
Perhaps because I've been busy, perhaps because I've been afraid of letting myself talk about myself.
I just wanted to say that I'm not dead, like usual, I'm really busy and don't have the energy or time to keep up with the blog.
I'll write more soon, I've remembered that I have this thing.
For those who are out and about in the rest of the world, hope all is well!
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