Amazing how these two go together!

"Those who make many friends have greater opportunities for growth and self-development; as such they make society a better place and lead happy, satisfying lives. In every situation, human relations--communication and personal interaction--are vital. We need to initiate and nurture friendships and contacts with many people, both within the organization and in society at large. Our lives will open and be enriched to the extent that we do so."(1) ... "But your faith alone will determine all these things. A sword will be useless in the hands of a coward. The mighty sword of the Lotus Sutra must be wielded by one courageous in faith. Then one will be as strong as a demon armed with an iron staff." (2)

(1) 30 May's For Today & Tomorrow: Daily Encouragement.
(2) 30 May's Daily Wisdom: "Reply to Kyo'o".

Of course the second one could be used for any case where some tidbit is given to give our lives direction, but I thought about how interesting that today's 'daily guidances' both fit together rather well.

Bright day, and I awoke on a weekend at 9h30A! Amazing. "Bright, sunshiny day..."

Why?

Why is it that hard for me to actually go on a date? Have I become comfortable with the idea of being by myself, alone in my thoughts? Is it time for me to break out of that comfort zone? Hmm...just some thoughts.

I just got back from dropping of MB's mother, no _not_ Bianco. :D She's such a nice woman! She gave me some nice regalos. I see that the whole affair was emotional for MB. She's got a lot of growing to do with her familial relationships and it seems like she took a big step this week in healing wounds and building a stronger relationship with her mother espcially.

We stopped by Lee's on the way back, man I love their sandwiches, but we were talking in the car after getting our food and just talking. Mostly about love life, and what's been going on in our lives since we've had time to talk about stuff like that. Talking with her has kinda made me see that I'm still very ~ somewhat immature in understanding my feelings with intimacy. I still hold to those Puritanical values, ones that are a bit too rigid. I am a good person with friends, I'll listen to anyone's story. But it's hard for people to enter that group of mine. It's even harder to get close to my heart.

Malena said something today about Sensei's guidance about loving your mother and that's the way of keeping your heart from being closed off and cold. It reminded me a bit of how closed off and cold I can be, in my thoughts, in my mind, and therefore in my actions. Is that the relationship I have with my mother and my father? Is that the realtionship that I want with my family? Is that the realtionship I want with other peopel around me. I've also become re-heightened about my own actions with new people: I'm sure that I give people the cold shoulder when I would like to get to know them. It's out of fear mostly, fear of I don't know what. It's also partially me caring too much about people's perception of me and it's partially me caring too much. (Is that the same thing by the way, I can't figure it out...should I even be figuring it out?)

I am again at a time in my life where I have things to question about myself. Am I focused on creating world peace, on creating value? What does it mean to live a victorious life? What does it mean to be a soka student? Am I striving for something or am I floating on the waves, being tossed and tumbled? Do I let things happen to me, or am I actively seeking to change my lot, my situation? I have so many questions, will I keep questioning myself?

wo jue de Zhege nanhai hen hao kan...ni juede shenme?

Cette semaine passe j'ai connu un mec; il m'a trouve en ligne et nous parlions un peu. Il est d'ici (de Aliso Viejo) je pense qu'il est...j'ai oublie le mot...?chouette?.

Mais, je sais pas de quoi je veux faire. Ca se passe, je sais, mais...veux-je penser plus, et finalement faire les chose que je veux? je sais pas. et ca me fait que j'aie honte.

Je dois etudier plus de mon francais! PHBbbt!

Not to be too prideful...

The conservatives in the governments around the world are digging their own graves. Especially those in the Western World. If history tells of anything, it is that history decides those who are right. Hmm...so in my case, conservatives = gay marriage ban. Conservatives in history = interracial marriage ban. Hmm...similar arguments, similar tactics, and so far, we don't know the outcome. They may be 'successful' in the short run, but the way that conservatives (not necessarily those who suscribe to the "classic" conservative ideal) act in government at the moment they seem to be on the loosing side of history.

Sad.

Can't you see the future where things are based upon the ultimate value of every human life, and not the labels we put on ourselves or the ones society puts on us? And why can't we work to creating a society like that? Is that what 'conservativism' is today? Saying that the past was golden and the future is dark? If it is, that's not my view, even if I am a sarcastic cynic at times, ok sometimes, even all the time. I won't subscribe to a view that says the past was golden, or even that the remote past was golden. I can't see it as that, perhaps it is my naivete, or my inexperience in the world, but I refuse to see that the future cannot be better or won't be better.

I don't know why I needed to post this right now, but reading the news inspired something in me. Sigh.

Time for endorphin rush: aka exercising. I need 2 eat lunch but I don't know what i wanna eat. Hmm...I gotta make it 9 days with out buying more food. Starvation diet is not a good thing, but I need to save money somehow for the moment, until I get my first summer paycheck.

tired...

I got an email from ellie yesterday. Thank you ellie! So nice of ya! I miss ya lots!

I want everyone to go to San Francisco this coming July. After you know all the people come back from Study abroad. I think it'd be a nice complement to the Portland trip we made last year! Yah? Everybody how about it?

I know Lisa K and Allie both want to go, and I want to go to, well they want to go because I said I want to go. I haven't been to SF in about 7 or 8 years and I don't remember much of that trip because I was the personal navigator to my mother...this time I just really want to go visit people. Maybe even Phat will come, and some of my hall mates from this year. I'm really excited, I want all y'all to come. Maybe we'll be able to do it.

Ok, so back to life. I worked a bit today, but there wasn't much to do. So i spent most of my day doing physical tasks, it was good for what I'm used to. I'd rather be doing that physical work, I think than doing the troubleshooting. And it's more what I needed to today, perfectly what I wanted/needed.

:)

Ok, i'm tired, and I've just talked to a bunch of people online, friends mostly and new friends hopefully.

'Night!

Dead Tired

I'm dead tired. I just worked 8.5 hours...whoohoo for overtime! The IT needed to get 41 computers ready for the 38 Bridge program students. All done of it was done today. The new frosh *I'm envious of you david! Grrr...my computer's better...nya nya nyah* computers are R50s from IBM. Not the best but certainly very cool looking: even got mics.

I had two medium bowls of pasta with chicken (like I had last night) and a salad as well as 5 cubes of chicken. UUUUUUUUUUUUUU it was good.

I'm wondering what Barcelona will be like. I was afraid to go to work today for some reason. Dunno why, just the first full-time working situation I guess that kinda spooked me. But it makes me wonder if I'm spooked at such a small, comfortable environment, how will I be in Barcelona? Is it because I'm so alone right now that makes me more reactive to situations where I have to be included in the "in" group?

Hmm...oh well. I'm feeling tired and I should go to sleep now. I wonder who'd be reading this this late at night.

So far today...

Banana, sourdough-lettuce-tomato-ham-and-dijon sandwich, mix'd berry yoghurt, and water lots of water.

Titulaire n'est pas responsable...

It's has been a lonely experience living here at three-eighty four-hundred-and-four. I would definitely have to say that having nothing to do is the worst thing ever. Though I definitely have watched a lot of TV, I have really done nothing.

I. Love. Sourdough.
Making Sourdough-dijon-tomato-lettuce-and-ham sandwiches is great.

I. Want. A. Boyfriend.
Hmm...it'd be nice just to have someone to talk to around here more than anything else. But I'd rather have a boyfriend so that we can both talk. Being desperate here.

I've entertained old guys asking me if they could "just" blow me. Hmm. Sorry, morally, that's not going to work for me. Though, if you wanted to be my boyfriend, like you know in a serious relationship, I say that that's fine. Plus, if you're within ten years of my dad's age or more, that's just a bit weird. I'll be your friend, and maybe you'd grow on me, but with respect to my own emotional maturity, don't expect me to want you.

I. need. entertainment.
Couldn't random pandas start crawling up the walls of three-eighty? Something.

I could make my own, but that'd be too simple and require too much energy.

I gotta finish getting back packing my room.

Gotta go because of ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^. But you'll be seeing a lot more of me, now that I'm bored as hell.

J'ai ongre...

J'ai faim: je veux un pizza, peut-etre un pizza margherita. Ca serait tres delicieux...si j'avais un.

It is 4h30 in the morning, in less than 6 hours we'll have to present this. Hmm...I hope I wake at 9AM.

Ugh...finally the presentation'll be done in about 15 minutes! The Paper...hmm...well. That'll be later today.

"Morning!"

I N S T I N C T

thekitsune2 (15:46:57): Good. Because, y'know, I figured the smell of all that burning Gay would send the fundamentalists into a frenzy so that their pork-rind encased hearts would explode, and then where would I get my fun?

Ugh...

I feel gross.

What is it about me that attracts the gay 30-45 y.o. set? Not that I have problems with anyone in that age range, but (1) if I'm going to go out with someone I don't want to go out with someone my parent's age and (2) do they also have to start a conversation with sex?

Umm...so considering who's reading this blog...I'm sure you guys are fully enthralled by that last comment. My life is a lot of questions and right now this one is pressing on me. This one guy basically said that he wanted to take my flower away. Umm...hmm...maybe if you're a mature being who's seeking a basic relationship first...then yah I'd consider it.

Maybe i'm more a-sexual than anything the gay 'culture' produces.

I'm sure I ain't the only one out there...but whomever contacts me are those who are larger or as large as I, and tend to be 30-45 years old. Hmm...

Can't I just get someone my age so that we can play linkin park together, to go out and hike, and mabye even make love? Umm...the world says "no."

What is the nature of love? Why does lost / love / lust find me in the ways I don't want to find it? Is that my destiny?

No. I will not 'succumb' to a destiny.

Hmm. Why do I stay quiet then, when I find someone I like. Is it the gay aspect of me...the one that hides still? Is it that I fall for guys who are totally out of reach? The straightest of the straight? Why do the cutest guys have to be Japanese and alas straight?

Maybe I'll find my asian king one day. That or my happa king. Hehe.

SO it feels great to come back from sitting by a campfire...

in the desert. You smell like the hot dogs you just cooked!

GtG, will write more later.

Ciao.

So after how long does red bull "kick-in"?

I'm on Pearl/Cuba LC/Joshua Tree/SGI binge right now...someone please pull me out of it!

Umm...ok, I think if I can finish all of this layout mess, I'll be able to get everything else done. But i'm going to need a great big nap first! Stupid me!

Can't nap...I'm going to be going to Joshua Tree. Do I live it up or do I spend it studying. Hopefully I'll do a bit of both.

Two minute blogs are hell.

Grrr...there's the two minutes! Up like that.

Well...just want to let you know I'm NOT dead.

-pandyandy

Bring on a new day!

I'm feeling better...not /bitter/. Though those feelings have been coming up.

I'm exiting this blaming mode and hopefully will be gone with it for a LONG while.

Pearl is back, and with a vengeance. I really need everyone to be done tonight and I only have 2 sections done. Hmm...I think it's going to be a long night. I hope that my layout peoples are doing well, because usually they're a lot better about deadlines.

Tomorrow. will be. busy. period, there's no buts about it. I'm going to be going to Joshua Tree for Saturday-Sunday. I'm back on Sunday at 9AM, which means I have to leave Joshua Tree at like 5h30 or something like that...maybe a bit later. I drive FAST!. :D

I love the drive out there on the 60 (CA-60). It's nice driving hills again. But 'tis all too short. I'm gonna have to make sure that I pack the camera and batteries. I hope it will be fun. I'm sure it'll be great being in nature again.

There's actually about 30 people going, more than I expected, and about 1/3rd of my class. I'm going to miss having them around, some will stay around over the summer, but i'm sure I won't see most of them for at least 6 months. ;(

Okay time to go to finish my Pearl work...happy night y'all!

Hemmmm....

Okay, so I should be a lot better in doing this research thingy. BUT Helas! Je suis dans mon chambre yet again! Lo que yo necesito hacer es que tenga mas confidence in what i'm doing and that I'm getting in the right place with my research. Demo, wo bu zhi dao zen me zuo. I could go to the toshokan, but I don't want to; I really just don't.

Hmm...I'm going to have to kick my but and work on this.

The Pearl is looming, tonight the articles are done being edited. I need to wrap-up the photos so that we have them by printing time. I just saw this cool mag called "tablas" i want to take a better look at it, but the layout was amazing and probably much more what we're looking for.

I need to do more research and look at books.

Tonight I have to meet with Dawn and meet with Bryson (my SGI Chapter YMD Leader), and then I have free time. I'm supposed to help Leema with layout tonight from 8pm, so I need to fit in at least 15 mins if not 30 of daims tonight so that I can re-start my daim goals with more passion this time. Get up again!

What's the most confusing in my mind is that I want to speak, but I can't. Emotionally, I'm stuck. I don't know what I'm stuck to...but I just feel like maybe I've become too comfortable with my place right now. Comfortable isn't bad so to say, but I think that maybe I've become disengaged, yet again, from what's happening around me. That either I feel above or below what's going on around me.

Grades suck, for the first time in a while, I have below a 3.0, not very far below a 3.0, but I NEED to do well so that I can keep the GS discount for my insurance and so that I don't fall into that pit that I get to when I "give up" about grades. No repeats of senior year, pleasE!

My brothers both seemd to be doing good when I called them on Sunday. My mom and obaachan seemed to be good to. David's taking IB exams this week so I'm worried, and I need to chant for his good results as well. I don't want him to be disappointed with his IB results. I want to make sure that he did his best in any way possible and all I have is my best prayers.

I'm missing shix a lot right now too. It feels like it was so long ago she left, but it was just a few days ago, and even then I still think that she's just taking a break from 300 right now. Perhaps like shee's been down at the pool for long swim sessions. It's amazing how much people can become a part of your daily life so quickly.

I'm missing c/o of '05 ers too. You know who you are. I'm missing you alot. I have a lot of Cuba LC homework to do so I just get glances at Mrs. Rabbit, my former Portland-spouse, and uyennie. It's not much but ahh, i revel in those bits of time i get with them. I've been spending so much time with my 300 compatriots that I'm starting to feel so attached to them too.

Ahh...such a lovely Soka Family, sad that we have to have it break up so soon. :'(.

Okay, it's two, time to go to the library. See y'all tomorrow.

Interesante...

Blogger changed...again...but of no concern.

I went to the UCI Library today. It's no Morgan Library, but it's not that bad.

I feel good having a clean room...more sane.

G'night, too tired.

Okay....

So I've been a lazy ass mo fo in getting things done. While I HAVE been doing things...wait. It's more like I've been a lazy ass procrastinating mo fo. That's better. Hehe.

Umm...so I've done everything but what I'm supposed to do: work on my Cuba project.

Can anyone help me figure out how to start researching a paper on the future of cuba.

My idea is (along with Dawn's):
-We find a couple (or even several) views of what could happen to cuba and then analyze them and then rank them most likely to unlikely. We wouldn't have to do research on what we think will happen, but let other more scholarly people do it, and then we analyze it to see if it could make any sense. To my IB friends, if they read this thingy, does it sound good? To my SUA friends, whom I know a few of you read it, do you think Jaime Lopez would like this paper?

Other than that: I had a great time at mamma mia!, does that sound gay enough? :P It's the Musical based solely off of ABBA music. "See that girl.................-dancing queen." I think there were several dancing queens in the theatre last night too....I was one of them. Haha.

The night before that I went to see Mean Girls. It was a funny movie, not as funny as I expected it to be, but it was a 9/10 on the funny/hilarious scale. The parts with the little sister were absofuckinglutely hilarious!

Okay, so other than the swearing, I'm normal. I'm really struggling with the Ds and the chanting. It's hard for me for the last few months to actually do morning and evening gongyo. And it wasn't before spring break. I think it's either too much self pressure, not enough study, or something. But I'm not getting into rhythm with that gongyo. Someone, whomever wants to help out with tosos and the like, I can't do them for too long, but I know that I need to.

Umm...it's bright and early on a sunday morning and I want to go out. Hmm...I should go to the Library at UCI and go do some research right after lunch. G'idea!

Bye bye.

Hmm....

"Face it, the power of desire is anarchic. The right wing, for all their prattling about freedom, hate the idea that someone somewhere is fucking in an Unapproved Manner. So, though it's unlikely to cause any real political change, you too can strike a blow for remaining at least semi-free."

Hey Megan...

I hope you're feeling better....it seems like you're having a crappy time...but just know it,ll get better.

Cherry Chill Eclipse

tastes very bad!

Long time no see

I've been away from the blog for so long.

I don't kno what's been up.

"Right about now the funck soul brother..."

Friends is over, and I'll watch, but I'm not totally going to cry. It was such a good show...and I'm sad that it's over, but I'm sure we'll find another show to watch.

I'm going to stay over at SUA during the summer....what will happen to me? as this is my first summer away from home. It'll be interesting to see if I can become more responsible.

When will I ...