Why?

Why is it that hard for me to actually go on a date? Have I become comfortable with the idea of being by myself, alone in my thoughts? Is it time for me to break out of that comfort zone? Hmm...just some thoughts.

I just got back from dropping of MB's mother, no _not_ Bianco. :D She's such a nice woman! She gave me some nice regalos. I see that the whole affair was emotional for MB. She's got a lot of growing to do with her familial relationships and it seems like she took a big step this week in healing wounds and building a stronger relationship with her mother espcially.

We stopped by Lee's on the way back, man I love their sandwiches, but we were talking in the car after getting our food and just talking. Mostly about love life, and what's been going on in our lives since we've had time to talk about stuff like that. Talking with her has kinda made me see that I'm still very ~ somewhat immature in understanding my feelings with intimacy. I still hold to those Puritanical values, ones that are a bit too rigid. I am a good person with friends, I'll listen to anyone's story. But it's hard for people to enter that group of mine. It's even harder to get close to my heart.

Malena said something today about Sensei's guidance about loving your mother and that's the way of keeping your heart from being closed off and cold. It reminded me a bit of how closed off and cold I can be, in my thoughts, in my mind, and therefore in my actions. Is that the relationship I have with my mother and my father? Is that the realtionship that I want with my family? Is that the realtionship I want with other peopel around me. I've also become re-heightened about my own actions with new people: I'm sure that I give people the cold shoulder when I would like to get to know them. It's out of fear mostly, fear of I don't know what. It's also partially me caring too much about people's perception of me and it's partially me caring too much. (Is that the same thing by the way, I can't figure it out...should I even be figuring it out?)

I am again at a time in my life where I have things to question about myself. Am I focused on creating world peace, on creating value? What does it mean to live a victorious life? What does it mean to be a soka student? Am I striving for something or am I floating on the waves, being tossed and tumbled? Do I let things happen to me, or am I actively seeking to change my lot, my situation? I have so many questions, will I keep questioning myself?