Thoughts

From the past few days, some thoughts:
-I wonder how well I play field hockey. I really wonder whether it's just the social aspect of the game here in the FtC, but I wonder how I stack up compared to others. I also wonder how I compare to what I could be if I played year-round.
-What is the world going to be like when I'm 80 years old? How about when I'm 100 y.o.?
-Do I deserve someone who loves me?
-Do my actions follow what I say I want?
-What am I going to do about this Capstone!?!?!
-I wonder when the CSU library is open?
-Do I really think I can improve my game in field hockey?
-Do I act flirty with girls?
-Do I confuse girls? Is it because I'm gay?
-What is the meaning of "pride"?
-What does having muscular and virile men gyrate on floats and drag queens have anything to do with my sexuality?
-How do I improve my life?
-How do I encourage those around me? My brothers, the ymd here, the members in my districts.
-What does it mean to love? what does it mean to lust? what does it mean to let-go?

An update by andy-pandy.

So,

Accreditation will help my chances to get a job and then go to grad school right? Yay! I'm happy that I'm now enrolled in a fully-accredited school. I was wondering how long it would take them to get to this point, and you know what, I'm pleasantly surprised. I can't imagine what Tomoko Takahashi must be feeling right now. She's been completely victorious in her efforts to get accredited.

I got to talk for a long time with my dad and mom last night after coming back from a meeting down in Loveland. It was really nice to just sit and talk. I guess I haven't done that for a while. My brothers were both out--Eric watching movies and getting back at like 2am, and David went to starbucks and met one of his friends, David D., and I guess that the just hung out a bit.

I'm planning for a buddhist youth meeting and boy is it hard to get my motivation up. There's no youth division here. And while I'm here for another 2 months or less, I want to get the ball rolling on them having good, meaningful meetings every month or every two weeks. There's got to be some study component, but I'm not sure if my understanding of the Goshos are deep enough to get people to become excited about studying the goshos and President Ikeda. Who knows, maybe we'll be able to have some fun then too.

Anyways, I'll write y'all some more later.

Haha, quotes from Barcelona:

"You can't be friends with someone after they tell you God wants you to marry them." -J.
"You'll go to Ikea with me to do sit-ups?" -M.
"'My dad's brother used to have a lot of sex so they kept him in the basement?!?!'" -J., yet again.

A patient night

I went out to Alley Cat to see Salem off. She's going to Japan tomorrow and tonight would be the last time I'd see her in 3 weeks. She has got an amazing list of places to go: Nagoya, Tokyo, Kansai, Osaka, Kyoto. I swear that that's too many places to go in 3 weeks! I also saw Chris P. for the first time in at least 4 years, probably a lot longer. I don't keep in touch well with those friends I had in JHS, so probably the last time I saw Chris was in 9th grade, after I went back on one of the days that IB had off and JH didn't.

I also found this great song with some lyrics that kinda fit the mood I'm in by the Spanish lady--Amaral, "El universo sobre mí":
Quiero vivir, quiero gritar
Quiero sentir el universo sobre mí
Quiero correr en libertad
Quiero llorar de felicidad...

Quiero vivir
Quiero sentir el universo sobre mí
Como un náufrago en el mar
Quiero encontrar mi sitio,
Solo encontrar mi sitio.
[Translation:
I want to live, I want to scream
I want to feel the universe over me
I want to run free
I want to cry tears of happiness

I want to live
I want to feel the universe over me.
Like a shipwreck in the sea,
I want to find my place,
Just to find my place.]

Mmm, so as bad as that sounds in ENGLISH, it's pretty cool in Castellano.

After Stonewall Productions | Dangerous Living

I like this quote: “My sexuality is my own sexuality. It doesn’t belong to anybody. Not to my government, not to my brother, my sister, my family. No one.”

Anyways, that said, today has been an interesting day. I have done little, I woke up late, and I'm starting to get in that "summer zone".

I realized that I have a lot to do over this summer vacation. I have to start swimming again, for sure. I also have to start preliminary research on Capstone. I'm so afraid of it. I was chanting tonight just to come up with topics in Capstone that I'm interested in. We'll see what becomes of them. So far, several ideas I have for capstone:
-Comparison of EU and NAFTA treaties in promotion sustainable development/consumption
-Comparison of public policy of sustainable dev/cons b/w US, Japan, and Chile? (These three chosen because of assumed relatively high levels of economic development).
-Third-world sustainable development/consumption comparisions. (Africa, Latin America, S and SE asia, and China)
Anyone want to comment on these, esp for an Int'l Studies concentration?

Umm, so, in other news. I think I'm going to go to State Games for Field Hockey in July. Now to make enough money. :D

Myspace.com

Zach Hmm. I know that this kind of thing still goes on but, I didn't realize how much it is still 'alive' here as a practice in the States. It's different when there's a human face, one so young, that you can relate to.

Military files murder charges in Iraq killings - Iraq's New Chapter - MSNBC.com

Military files murder charges in Iraq killings - 'Fragging' - MSNBC.com Umm, the fact that there's people who even CONSIDER fragging their officers in this war, to me, proves a point.

The Interactive Truth - New York Times

The Interactive Truth - New York Times: "We have a fresh taste for documentaries. Any novelist will tell you that readers hunger for nonfiction, which may explain the number of historical figures who have crowded into our novels. Facts seem important. Facts have gravitas. But the illusion of facts will suffice. One in three Americans still believes there were W.M.D.'s in Iraq.
And that's the way it is. "

Squelching Public Broadcasting - New York Times

Squelching Public Broadcasting - New York Times: "More than government support, the public's faith and donations could be threatened if audiences sense the Republicans are succeeding with an ideological putsch.
Republican lawmakers insist that the budget cuts are only one of many sacrifices required for fiscal discipline - a truly laughable contention from a Congress that has broken all records for deficit spending and borrowing."

At Albertson's Gas Station on College/287 and Wilcox. 

So here's a photo from Field Hockey on Thursday.

Of course, this is from the Harris field. This is after it had been raining on us the whole time we were playing hockey. Man, I love playing Hockey!!!. It's such a nice feeling after you're done.

*akechan* in NC for the summer...I finally got a job! yay! says:
once again, i am stuck with the gay men
*akechan* in NC for the summer...I finally got a job! yay! says:
even across the country
*akechan* in NC for the summer...I finally got a job! yay! says:
damnit
*akechan* in NC for the summer...I finally got a job! yay! says:
i try and get away
*akechan* in NC for the summer...I finally got a job! yay! says:
and something always happens
*akechan* in NC for the summer...I finally got a job! yay! says:
and here we are

Photo of the day

Trying to get Maachan to eat his veggies!


It's really a lot harder to get David to eat his veggies than it seems.

So today our Obaachan took us out to lunch--us being Maachan, Kochan, and I. We went to the Pho-Duy place on Drake (near Shields) and enjoyed it a lot. We started at a very Spanish time: 15:05 is when we began to eat. We didn't finish until almost 15:45. I got a No 4 'regular' size bowl, which is a VERY LARGE bowl, with rare steak, well-done flank, tripe, and tendons. I don't think there was anything else in that bowl, but it was REALLY good. I enjoy Pho every time I have it.

Before that we went up to Horsetooth (Reservoir) to take some photos of the scenery up there and to take some photos of us (Maachan, Obaachan, and I) and then we were to meet Kochan for lunch. Kochan went down to Devil's (?)Backbone(?), near the mouth of Big Thompson Canyon in Loveland to go MtB-ing with his friend. Kochan popped one of his tires and had to hike back the 3 miles to the Trailhead. Sounds like it was not so fun. Meh. It sounded fun, until he got to the popping part. :).

Anyways, photos of Obaachan, David, and I are below. Hope you enjoy.

Building clouds. ??????????????

Maachan?Rockstar. ???????????

El párquing/The parking lot on Centennial Rd.

Obaachan and I. (This smile I dis-like, but whatever, it's a nice shot of the day...a bit mid-day-ish though, i got shadows under my eyes). ??????Horsetooth Lake??????????????????????????????

Obaachan.
????????????????
????

Tired

I'm tired. Really, not in a metaphysical or emotional sense, just plain physically tired. I will be to bed before midnight, which hasn't happened in a while. But before that, I want to blog a bit.

I finally went to see Star Wars today with Hil and Matt. The movie was better than the first two episodes, but that still leaves much to be better at. Special effects were awesome, like usual. Story, meh, better than 1 and 2, but still not so cool. Hayden Christiansen: a thumbs down for the acting job. I don't think he interprets the role correctly for who he's playing. Unless he's under guidance from Lucas to act very cool and unresponsive, maybe reflecting the cool unresponsive Darth Vader, something about his acting bothers.

I wonder how Matt's really doing. I went over to Hil's to hang out after she got back from Norway, Sweden, and England, and was invited to have dinner with them too. That was an interesting dinner. I saw that Matt's hyper-critical nature continue during dinner. Is that just a response around people that aren't family or is that just the way he is always? Anyways, I don't see anything but a sign telling me that he's probably suffering in one way or another.

Eric is out again tonight. He went to a friend's house to bon voyage the people going on the IB/PHS Greece & Turkey trip. Oh how much I'd like to go to Turkey. He's always going out, much more than I was, I wonder why? Oh wait, he's the littlest one. He should thank David and I for having pushed the barriers :P.

I studied Chinese for most of the day today. I didn't go to Starbucks and I didn't go look for a job. Guess who's the bum now. Tomorrow I have to go to the County Workforce Center, to look for a job. I wonder if there still are any out there?

Anyways, g'night for now. eh?

I wanted to say...

Just let it be. It's been an enlightening week. I am afraid to just be however I really feel, or at least that's a small realization that I came to at a toso tonight. While one of the members was talking about her experience at FNCC, she said that L. Johnson said to just be however you feel at that moment, on the first night. I realized that I'm not really being truthful to myself if I don't actually say how I feel.

So, here I go, just letting it out, now this is only a small bit of the feelings I have had, but it represents a lot of the feelings I haven't explicitly named or have supressed these last few weeks.

I hurt. I feel rejected. I am tired. I am scared. I don't feel empowered.
I thirst. I hunger. I pain. I desire. I want. I need. Affection.
I would like to help. I want to see the light. I want to have faith in myself. I want to have faith in others. I don't know my abilities. I desire to work. I would like to help you. I want to see my growth. I want to see my brothers happy. I want to see my SUA friends - think tank.

I honestly don't believe in myself. Either you have faith 100% or 0%, and right now I'm at 0%. Not that I wanted to be in this position, but I can't even find it in myself to believe that I have a buddha nature, that I have the ability to change my world/the world. I have to break through this feeling. I can't suffer behind it. I'm not sure where this summer is going to take me, I only hope that it takes me through breakthroughs.

Sorry for being a bummer tonight y'all. That's where I am right now. As it seems, that's where I've been for a while, just not wanting to admit it.

Will Webmasters Move to .xxx?

Will Webmasters Move to .xxx?

I'm thinking I want to change my blogskin. I tried it on my spanish one: if anyone cares to comment on the "new" spanish blogskin in the next few days and tell me if u like it or not.

Spanish blog

Random notes from the past few days

Lightening is so sexy and erotic. It's a momentary flash between two poles of electricity, seeking the quickest (in this case) path to equal out the build up of static electricity in the sky and the ground. Yesterday we had a "gully-washer" that lasted about an hour--it was raining sheets and

My nipples are raw after running this morning. I "ran" about 3'5 miles (5k?) this morning at 09h45. "Running" in this case would be a fast start and then herking-and-jerking to the 'finish' line at home. Percentage of the time spent running/jogging = 85%; windsprinting = 45 seconds; resting from windsprints = 160 seconds; resting = rest. It was so warm by 9h30, I had a hard time believing it was already 75F or 80F. Anyways, back to the nipples. Because I ran for the first time in a while and had a cotton tee on, the shirt rubbed up against my nipples the whole time I was running. I didn't notice until I got in the shower and noticed that my nipples were "hey you up there, we're raw! don't rub soap into us!" So, thus you have the nipple comment.

Other news: I'm fat(ter). Since I haven't done ANY exercise in the last week and a half except the now 2 times I've been to Field Hockey--I've grown fatter. Not that the scale would tell you i've become heavier: i'm actually about 5lbs lighter since I've gotten back. I think I'm losing muscle and gaining fat. Hmm...that's definitely not good. Have to cut down on the calorie intake or increase the exercise output.

I've been productive today: I've read my e-mails. I've doodled. I've started a scrapbook--after seeing the Senior Scrapbook, I was so insipred and so ready to start documenting, for myself, something aobut the last year of SUA. I've vaccuumed the house. I took my grandma to the supermarket.

Now I'm just chatting and being bored. I still should study Zhongwen. And I need to continue on tha whole scrap book thing. Or something.

Tomorrow is yet another day of field hockey. I'm excited.