I wanted to say...

Just let it be. It's been an enlightening week. I am afraid to just be however I really feel, or at least that's a small realization that I came to at a toso tonight. While one of the members was talking about her experience at FNCC, she said that L. Johnson said to just be however you feel at that moment, on the first night. I realized that I'm not really being truthful to myself if I don't actually say how I feel.

So, here I go, just letting it out, now this is only a small bit of the feelings I have had, but it represents a lot of the feelings I haven't explicitly named or have supressed these last few weeks.

I hurt. I feel rejected. I am tired. I am scared. I don't feel empowered.
I thirst. I hunger. I pain. I desire. I want. I need. Affection.
I would like to help. I want to see the light. I want to have faith in myself. I want to have faith in others. I don't know my abilities. I desire to work. I would like to help you. I want to see my growth. I want to see my brothers happy. I want to see my SUA friends - think tank.

I honestly don't believe in myself. Either you have faith 100% or 0%, and right now I'm at 0%. Not that I wanted to be in this position, but I can't even find it in myself to believe that I have a buddha nature, that I have the ability to change my world/the world. I have to break through this feeling. I can't suffer behind it. I'm not sure where this summer is going to take me, I only hope that it takes me through breakthroughs.

Sorry for being a bummer tonight y'all. That's where I am right now. As it seems, that's where I've been for a while, just not wanting to admit it.