----------
At the moment, feeling: dead tired. Too much shit running around my head at work today.
At the moment, listenting to: Open House Party on KSME 96.1FM Fort Collins.
current song: OHP Satelite Mix
At the moment, it is a pleasant temp. Unlike the last 3-4 days.
----------
I had a lot of shite running around in my head today. You could say that I felt like shit until about an hour b4 i had to leave. And then I was extremely bored because it was a slow day at work.
I hate being attracted to white males, who turn out to be straight as an arrow. Ugh.
That sux way too much. And not in the good way. :P
Oh well, back to this whole shit running through my head imagry. Very pretty, ain't it?
Well, let's just say I begrudged at least 3 people for being straight and white...and of course unattainably straight.
Goddamnit!
Ugh.
This is all 'caused' by my inability to come-out to anyone except friends. At work. I'd rather be 'out' than 'in'. T'would make things much easier in my life, on the mental side of things. I don't know though. I work with a bunch of people who don't have college-degrees and are sometimes bass-ackwards. I do have to say that the HS kiddies probably wouldn't have a prob with it. I'm more worried about the fact that Loveland and FC are more conservative (socially) and that the people I work with aren't all 18 minuses and that the ones I really work with are usually mexicans. That's a can of worms I have no clue about. But what I hear doesn't sound good.
That's something I don't really have to worry about. It's just a momentary thing, that'll last only as long as I work there.
Other than the stress in my mind about the job. I like it a lot. It pays pretty well 6.50 per hour plus an extra dollar or so in tips per hour too. So about 7.50 per hour. But I use the tips as spending money mostly.
I've learnt vaccuming, windows, and Exit/Quality Control (Exit/QC)...so...i can do most of the 'important' jobs. It's nice.
I have a lot stress from the job cuz of the bass-ackwardsness of certain people. But I'm pretty much fine with most of the jobs I have to do.
I get a workout doing those jobs. It's not that bad, if I do have to comment on it. Not loosing many pounds though...i eat pertty damn horrible during the summer.
I probably gained fat...actually I KNOW i gained fat over the summer. Alas, I will have to get back into the workout mode once I'm back on campus.
But, I'll have a car then... YAY! I'll be able to play field hockey.
Ramblings. Ramblings. Ramblings.
Love. Amour. L'art.
Well 66 the 'art'.
No art here.
Just lines and
Dreams:
Me voy a dormir. Pero antes de dormirme, quiero decirte que te quiero, que te amo. Espero que me ame.
Je m'en vais dormir. Mais, avant de me coucher, je voudrais te dire que je te veux, que je t'aime. J'espère que tu m'aimes.
I know what my problem is...I just don't know how to fix it.
My problem is that I have a deep need to feel loved. I don't feel loved. I may be loved, but I don't know't. It's something that I wish I could find. Love, from someone, from friends, from family. I'm more sure about friends and family. But I don't even trust that for sure. I don't know why exactly. But, I don't feel like I'm loved all the time. Stupid brain gets in the way of feeling loved, appreciated, and valued.
Society don't help in this case. Homophobia, racism. All covert of course, no other way that those things would be accepted if they were overt. Some forms of overt racism and homophobia can be found, but they are in diminishing numbers. Me being Asian-American _and_ gay sucks majorly. I'm sure it's just as wonderful for those other gay asian-americans, as well. Ugh.
First, being asian in a largely caucasian and growing hispanic world, it leaves sooooooo much room for asian pride. Ugh. I don't remember seeing any worthy, non-stereotypical view of Asians.
Better Luck Tomorrow was a hint at it, the not smarty, parent-coveting, socially-motivated, 4.0 asian student, but many people here still don't get it, especially here in Colorado. I love it here, I wouldn't trade my home for anywhere else, but still..godddamnit. Some people need to learn to not just pass over differences and appreciate those differences, not pretend that they aren't there.
Some insipid 'liberals' do that...you know...those 'enlightened-I-love-everybody liberals', then again it's still better than the 'you-non-american-American-citizen-get-outta-my-country conservatives'. Yes, We are all borg, Prepare to be assimilated, resistance is futile.
Umm...no. Not that...tolerance versus assimilation. Assimilation will happen, eventually. Tolerate, even accepting the culture, will avoid those damn culture wars, won't it? But, then again American's haven't ever been lovers, more like fighters, eh?
Oh wells...I guess that part's over.
Second, being gay
Do you really need an explanation?
Overt homophobia...you can find it perttty much everywhere, gay bashings prevalent. But becoming less prevalent.
Covert homophobia: do you ever see a happy _and_ functioning gay couple in media? In sitcoms? In drama? In documentaries? In the paper?
Do you ever see gay couples in general? Can gays walk down the street hand-in-hand anywhere the fucking damn well please?
No, no, no, no, no, no, and no. Ok, so maybe in Castro and a few other gay villages, to the last question. But, if I walked down the street here in FC or if any gay couple walked down the street in FC...would the not be stared at? Would some people not yell and heckle them? Wouldn't the couple fear for their life, in the possiblity of being gay bashed?
Yes, yes, and yes.
Unfortunately. I would be afraid and I'm sure that quite a few other people would.
All I seek is acceptance of who I am, to eventually be loved. Yet. It seems that I can only find it in few places.
Sigh.
Life sucks.
I only wish I could change it right now and never have to deal with this kind of bullshite again.
Unfortunately, the logical part of me tells me that that won't ever happen and that I really need to chant to have the courage to be a proud _and_ out man, with the spirit of "no matter what, without a doubt, I will be victorious."
Sigh.
If only it were easier to change the world.
Nam-myoho-renge-kyo. NMRK. NMRK.
"I will _shake up the universe_ and be victorious!!!"
I deserve to be happy in my life, with my life.
Now, it's just figuring out how.
Sigh. Whine whine whine. I'm going to bed...if i forgot to finish up writing about something, please forgive me. Like I said before, I have a lot of shite running around in my head.
