Ok, so I'm just gonna assume that it'll be a week (while I'm working) that I update this thingy. Though, I only work for a week more.

//Life//
Life has been life. Here's my sched':

Monday-Work & Frisbee
Tuesday-Work & Hockey
Wednesday-Work & ? (usually sleep)
Thursday-Work & Hockey/SGI Meeting
Friday-Work & ?
Saturday-Work or Hockey
Sunday-Usually a rest day

I do say, I usually only work 5 days a week, so somewhere in there I don't work for a day and am able to 'break' from work.

This week I will be working Sunday (today) through Wednesday, and Saturday. Saturday is my projected last day of work.

Ok, so now the technical stuff is over...I can focus on the selfish 'me, me, me' parts.

//weird dream(s)//
Right before I awoke to start blogging.

Involves my brother. At a Kosen Rufu Gongyo (monthly buddhist prayer meeting), preparing for a skit or something of the sort.

He goes to the bathroom to put on his costume. Of course, it's a rabbit costume. Socks and whiteness abound.

I go out to the parking lot in front of my work place (a car wash), a Subway, and a Bagel shop. Where there are no people at all, maybe me and a couple of other SGI people. There is a huge space for performers and we can barely see anything. We all hear that my brother and his friends are coming on stage and that they will be doing some sort of dance. Whereafter, people behind me, whom I cannot see, start clapping cheering and the general "whoohoo"s start. Then my brothers and his friends (I think Matt, Ken, and some other people) come out of the doors of my work place's waiting area and start kicking and high-fiving and doing some amazing weird stuff. Of course they're all dressed in some sort of animal costumes, and there's general hilarity. I, however, am mortified. I'm scared as shit for my brother. The general chaos-hilarity is now starting to die down and as it does I become more afraid for my brother. Soon there's no cheering or clapping. Just my brother and his friends making clowns out of themselves before a crowd.

I don't know what this dream means, but I do have some clues.
(1) My brother has changed a lot since I moved to Cali. For better or worse he has more confidence (or "confidence").
(2) I still think that my brother's self-image is kinda screwed-up (in the anorexic/bullemic kinda way of being screwed-up). Though I don't know if he has either anorexia or bullemia. I doubt it, he eats a lot. It's more of the perfect body search.
(3) My brother and one of his bandmates (Ken) played at a KRG last month. They did well, but up until then I had a very bad vibe about the meeting. It ended fine, but still, the first few people/performances were kinda "meh" to what I'm used to being a KRG.
(4) I work with one of my brother's "friends"--I don't know how close the two are--and she seems more like the person who would influence my brother in (what I think) is a self-destructive behaviour towards his own body.
(5) At work, I think that I work with a lot of people that need some new-found belief system.
(6) I'm afraid at work to come-out, be myself, or be buddhist.

//feelings//
At the moment, I feel "unloved". I need physical contact with another being. Not just hugging, not just the daily stuff that you can do with a friend. I want someone else that'll listen to my bullshit, help me along with it, who'll give my physical contact in the way that only lovers can hold each other or touch each other. But yet, I am deathly afraid to come-out to my parents and my family about the real me. Or at least a part of the real me. The parts that I've found. Who knows. I feel unloved. I crave attention and love. Yet, I'm afraid to deal with the issues I have that separate me from a major source of love in my circle of living beings.

Who knows. I feel fucked-up at the moment. Not a good state to be in. Especially after doing 30 minutes of chanting. I should feel more energized or something, at least I should feel better.

I feel my world is collapsing down around me. OR that my world is slowly contracting. I feel that I'm becoming more and more self-centered. Maybe that's what this summer has been about for me. Me. a thoughtperchance that's what my life was like before I went to soka? I didn't have to worry 'bout my gayness and other things I 'had' to hide. But now that I'm back, I feel that my world is very small, consisting of only my family, co-workers, and my small group of friends here.

//friends//
I just wanted to thank my friends in colorado and out at SUA who deal with my bullshit, my lies, and my overwhelming sense of mental dramatization. I thank you. You guys mean much to me. I feel must I have the best of luck and fortune to find such friends.

I try to pray for y'all, but since school is out, and I don't know what's happening in many of your lives at the moment, I haven't been able to do any focused prayers for y'all. That's more my fault.

I'm sure there's something I can do to expand my life here and now. I'm sure I've heard soemthing in the last few weeks that I could focus on, but I haven't. Sigh.

//goals//
Update on my goals. Those things in the left corner.
All of those three goals have gone to crap in the last week. Gongyo>> I have been doing morning and night, for the most part, every day through the summer; however, I don't think I have done a full hour of chanting for about two weeks. Tonight I did 30 minutes chanting, and this morning I think I did 15, so I'm getting back on track. Life would be a lot easier, I bet, if I had a consistent practice and kept challenging myself in it. Readings>> heh heh heh. None at all really. And don't even get me to introduction>> just once during this summer have I really talked to anyone about buddhism.

//sport//
Field hockey. I hate playing on grass. I feel that once the group decided to use Harris on Thursdays, my playing has gone up. However, my playing on grass has gone to crap. Ugh.

Oh well, except for that one complaint. I do have to say that I'm so glad to be playing field hockey again. It's something that gets me out of the house and actually doing something productive. Body work, yay!

//gnight//