From the MyTrafficNews e-mail

Valentine's Day

Here it is, the day on which a man's worth as a suitable mate is harshly tested. So, gentlemen, begin your panic....NOW!

The Golden Library has an idea to save you some money: buy a dozen used romance novels for a dollar. The romance novels will last longer than roses, and like roses they are basically identical:

Act 1: Heroine (farmgirl, business woman, young lady of court) leads trapped existence, and meets Dangerous Hero (blacksmith, unconventional young gun, roguish knave). Father/Fiance/The Pope disapproves.

Act 2: The two are forced together by a crisis (freak storm, freak business presentation, freak French revolution), where they consummate their love, often graphically.

Act 3: They are forced apart by The Difference In Their Lives (a blacksmith won't ask for directions, the young gun did 6 months in a Tijuana jail, the roguish knave eats mayonnaise right out of the jar).

Act 4: The Heroine discovers The Hero's Secret Life. (The Blacksmith is actually governor of Pennsylvania, the young gun bought Cisco stock in 1994, the roguish knave invented Kleenex.) And they live happily ever after.

By our obvious skill, you can tell we've written a few romance novels: Look for us under our nom de plume: "Persephone Gaithlessbraithewait."

(By the way, if you are actually thinking of getting used books instead of flowers, we have this tip for you: There's a singles-support group that meets in the lobby of the MyTrafficNews rec center every Thursday. You might want to pencil that in.)

Another helpful tip for the guys: Tonight's basketball game with the CU Men facing the South Dakota State Jackrabbits at 7 p.m. is not an acceptable Valentine's Day outing. It's like the old poem says, Roses Are Red; Violets are blue; Take me to a non-conference game; And that will be it for you!