A note to Joanne

Hey Joanne! You're about 7% of the traffic that is heading to my site. Just thought you'd like to know. I think that must mean my blog is not that interesting if I know who's actually visiting my blog. LOL.
.andy.

I.T. is a great place to do some random thinking.

I think I need a massage. I've been working on the International festival issue of the Pearl for about 11 hours now, I think. I'm not sure, because I don't really remember how long the breaks I took were.
I'm decompressing. i've bottled up a bit in the last few weeks. I can feel the pressure and it's mostly tring to come out through an ulcer in my stomach.
I had a good talk with Akriti about boys last night, actually early early this morning. Finished at about 4am. God friggin' DayUM! I don't think I have some of the other people on this campus beat. I'm sad for them. I don't think I could be in their situation and handle it any differently then they already are.
As for my situation: her advice, to wait. I'm grateful to him--he's making me chant a lot about this thing that is my karma. Everytime I think I've surpassed a hurdle, another bigger, blacker, taller one seems to pop up. I have to remember that this race is going to be won 40 or 50 years down the road. Train harder!
I am learning, slowly, to embrace suffering. I am trying to cultivate the attitude "in suffering, I am the most happy." Not in this masochistic sense of things, but in that I know that I am changing something through the things that make me suffer.
My stomach hurts though. I'm seriously going to die because of this guy. I don't think I've had a very happy last couple days--too much stressing. At one point, I honestly felt my soul drowning. I don't know how else to explain it. I am allowing this one person to control my happiness and my suffering. Is that fair to me? Is that fair to him?
I am attached to him somehow. As for how, I don't know yet. I made a list ages ago, a mental list more than anything else, and he fits a lot of the characteristics that I want in my man. The blue eyes, brown hair thing usually gets me crazy. But, even more than the physicial characteristics, the personality traits are important as well.
I read somewhere that to tell how much you like someone, imagine them doing the thing that would hurt you most, and if you would still care for them, then you must be in love. Of course, it's a very basic and facile (almost) definition of what love is. But I think it's hitting partially on the truth. I know how I feel. When, I read that...something panged.
My my my. I don't have any outlets. I know that the people around me understand, but I feel so left-out. Maybe because I don't want to open up. Maybe everytime there are only a couple of people that are actually listening to me.
I am in hell and yet I am finding my way to enjoy it. I know what I have to do and that is continue forward, ever forward, stopping never. I'm reminded of Discussions on Youth. Ask me later.
I saw Big Daddy today on TV for a bit. I forgot about the gay french kiss. Hmm...the two actors look really really alike, kinda creepy, but a hot kiss (for an adam sandler movie) anyway.
I don't know what to do. I do, but I don't. I want to explode and leave bits and pieces of me everywhere, but I don't want to do that either. I really can't wait for summer. I'm going home and I'm going to find a job--work, exercise, and do nothing but SGI activities at home.
When I come back, who knows what will be where and who'll be what, but I know that I have to keep in shape for swimming next year--I'm going to do the 20-hour-a-week program, not the 3-hour-a-week program with Coach Salo. My goals for next year already are set: 5 minutes and 30 seconds. Do you think I can do it? It doesn't matter what you think, I wil do it.
I want to support my SGI YMD. I'm not doing a good job of it at all. "What can I do...". Reminded of This is America.

Early morning fog. Beautiful the campus is.

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Okachi getting a haircut--he'd look so good, if only he kept his hairstyle like this.

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Yoshiko-Anna-Yoshiko. they're all crazy!

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Nao-ko??

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Anna's b-day.

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Dean Selection meeting. Weirdos!

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OMG!

Hilarious!

Horino SISTERS!!!! Arrrgh!

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Cute Children for Thai Dragon Dance @SEasia Culture Fest.

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Filipino Dancers from NY. @SEasia Culture Fest.

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Flowers at the Friendship Center in LA. [Fairfax/Venice]

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Today was pretty much uneventful.

I woke up. Did some work. Took a nap. Did morning gongyo. Went to lunch. Worked-out. Did a 4,5-hour toso. Went to dinner. Talked and digested. And am going to go to sleep.

Today I felt distracted. I can't focus. There's something in my life that's been distracting me and while I was doing my toso, I could feel it.

Went to Sam Woo tonight. Had a filling dinner and enjoyed the company I was with. Boba afterwards. I filled myself, must remember to watch how much I eat.

Tomorrow I go to the South-east Asian Festival up at the WPIA, but before that I'm going to go to the LAFC to be there while Music Corps is going on. D, T, J, and I are going up there and then, D, J, and I are going to the SEAsian Festival after Music Corps finishes. I'm excited. Something new to do.

I'm looking forward to Monday night. Me late por el.

Kraeyzee Juju.

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Krazy Juju, Rekha, and Lisa.

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I've gained some weight

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Nice looking derek AND juju.

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A photo that derek approves of.

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Another scary face -- jessica's.

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Scary Tinki (Leliani).

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My brother in procrastination at the IT Lab doing his paper for Ken's Race and Rights in Hollywood.

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Scary Julie!!!!!

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DenverPost.com - Legislature

DenverPost.com - Legislature: "After hours of emotional debate, the Colorado Senate on Wednesday approved a bill that would protect gays and lesbians from workplace discrimination."

The New York Times > Opinion > Op-Ed Columnist: Sizzle, Yes, but Beef, Too

"Sizzle, Yes, but Beef, Too" (2005)...Thomas Friedman: "The strong British economy that Mr. Blair and his deft finance minister, Gordon Brown, have engineered has led to spending on health and education - as well as on transportation and law and order - that has increased 'much faster than under the Conservatives,' The Financial Times noted on Wednesday. 'The result has been numerous new and refurbished schools, dozens of new hospitals, tens of thousands of extra staff and much new equipment.'"
And these improvements, which still have a way to go, have all been accomplished so far with few tax increases. The vibrant British economy and welfare-to-work programs have, in turn, resulted in the lowest unemployment in Britain in 30 years. This has led to higher tax receipts and helped the government pay down its national debt. This, in turn, has saved money on both interest and welfare benefits - money that has been plowed back into services, The Financial Times explained."

The New York Times > Opinion > Op-Ed Columnist: Passing the Buck

Paul Krugman talks about "Passing the Buck" on Health Care.

It was an interesting read. Yah I believe in socialized health care. So, what? (Comment on the topic that would only come up in the OC and in the midwest on whether you were a 'commie' or not).

Socialized health care has its own set of difficulties, though. It's can be run quite inefficiently as well. However, when the US spends more than anyone else per person and still recieves about the same, that just shows how inefficient of a health care system we have.

Response to Ellie's

Oh yeah am I!

Anyways, it's really me being stupid so don't worry about it too much.

I wish I could be less attracted to him, but know what? I've decided I'm okay with liking another guy. I can have boy crushes and still live. I don't want to know what the effects of a boy crush would be, but...you know it's nice to live in my lil' world.

Has anyone seen A home at the end of the world (2005)?

April 20 will be a day that stands in infamy...

I wonder why it had to happen. I wonder why it did happen. I remember the day that it happened and that I didn't know what to feel. I still don't really know what to feel, but I remember that it was not a happy day.

As a student, you will remember days that they tell you that you can watch the television. The O.J. verdict, this, and 9/11, will all ways be days that are ingrained in my memory, because they are the days of infamy.

At this time, we had the TV on while we were in math class with Mrs. Gaines. I remember that we all were watching channel 4 and they said maybe 8 or 10 students were shot. They didn't mention that there was a teacher dying inside the school, or that 13 students, ones like us, by the end of the day were going to die.

When I got home, and turned on the TV at 4, all of a sudden that number 8-10 turned into 25 possibly 50 students killed. What do you say when you hear something like that? Students killing students? People killing people?

I have a hole in my heart because I could feel the pain that that whole school, that that city, that my state, that this country and the world was going through. Think about it. Even in India, in South Africa, in the Sudan, you're heart goes out to anyone who dies at the hands of another human being.

I sigh.

I go on living.

I just wanted to say, "I will always remember."

Jealousy

I sat here
30 minutes after you left,
my mind's awash in your blue.
The blue your gaze protects.
My eyes find you where
you should be and scream when
you aren't.
Do I get you?

Well

I've turned 21. Now that I'm 21 + 1 day, it's weird to think of it that way. I don't feel much different, so I mustn't be that much different. I wish to live another 50 years and see that the world has changed, changed for the better.

Japan's leaders are lacking in sensitivity, thought, and empathy. They seriously underestimate the power that history affects others, especially their neighbors. They must remember that they have yet to reconcile with their past (instead of forgetting it). Wonder about the Komei-to, where is their voice in the Japanese Diet and House? Japan has my prayers.

My mind is preoccupied with the boy. Balance is what I need, and yet I can't find it. Must remember that anything can be a devilish function. Must not forget (either) that those same things can be a 'buddha-ish' function. Wonder what he is to me right now: enabling me to become a better person or is he distracting me from my self-betterment, my studies?

Went to bed at 2am last night, awoke at 7h30am this morning. My body isn't tired, but my brain seems to be. I have a lot of papers, etc. to write. Must be focused.

Hmm...

I'm having an intersting day. Today there aren't any classes at all. I just have work. I really need to take this opportunity and use it to the best advantage.

The writing professor came down with the flu (or as he says it "I caught a bad case of the influenza.") and the health professor's out for the week.

Got Module to do and a lot of reading as well.

How to use this time? Hmm...gonna go read.

Ellie's Sleep Deprived Hysteria

It's Ellie's sleep deprived hysteria, look at the e-mail she sent about my birthday. Not only are the dates wrong (my birthday dinner'll be on the 8th, and my drinking party'll be on the 9th/10th), she's on the type of crack I want to be on.

It’s me again with an important announcement from God God God…

This Sunday, the 10th of April, is our most beautiful, European influenced, gay, I mean guy friends 21st birthday, and he wants you to come to his birthday party. And by the way, I’m talking about Andy!

There are two very fabulous ways to celebrate his birthday…

Dinner on Friday the 15th at Sam Woo’s. Whoo, hoo! We will be departing for the restaurant from dorm 300 at 8pm. Bring your, love, laughter, and your sexy selves for a great time…And don’t forget your wallets.
A small drinking party in Andy’s room (4th floor 305). We’re gonna get him smashed!! Oh wait did I write that. I mean we are going to have a sophisticated get together with light drinking. Any who…Come to Andy’s room at 11pm for a good time and, if you care to, please bring some booze so we can actually have the party. We will countdown to his birthday and then the wild, crazy, goodness will begin!

You all are fabulous, don’t ever change…That’s another message I just received from God. I’m serious…don’t doubt me.

Ellie

P.S. Andy please forward this to other people you might want to invite, or you can just forward the party in your room section…Also please forgive me the craziness of this email I am in a sleep deprived hysteria…

So an update

I thought I ought to update at least a li'l bit.

Nothing really to report. I'm working on a paper right now, things aren't going that well with staying on top of things. I have to stay down here in IT because my comp isn't working right now. I'll have to call IBM sometime soon. Grrr. Not bad, I do have to say, it's just a bit of a hassle to come down here for the littlest thing.

Other than that, I think that conservative Republicans are in the wrong on gay marriage. But then again, i don't know where their homophobia comes from. I can't understand why they think the way they do. I guess my question is what it is about Colorado that usually allows for this kind of rhetoric to be allowed? What is it about my home state? I also got a really weird IM from WBy's IM a few weeks ago--it wasn't him writing it--but I felt sorry for whomever wrote it.

I went to a play last night. I don't know if it was as good as I had hoped it would be. I think it was worth the $24 I paid for it. But I'm not sure, there was a lot of physical comedy, and I don't know if it was this interpretation of it or whether it is actually like that in the actual way its written. It was good for the laughs I had, so I guess it was worth the $24.

I'm still in like with this one guy. Stupid guy. (Sigh.) I wonder if it's reciprocal or not. But I like him and I want to get to know him better. He's really excited about this GLBT conference that's being prepared by us. I wouldn't mind going, but I have so much between now and LCs. I have to get some advising soon so I ought to e-mail him.

Anyways, I got enough written down, but I'll look to write more tomorrow. You can harass me if I don't. I give you permission.