I.T. is a great place to do some random thinking.

I think I need a massage. I've been working on the International festival issue of the Pearl for about 11 hours now, I think. I'm not sure, because I don't really remember how long the breaks I took were.
I'm decompressing. i've bottled up a bit in the last few weeks. I can feel the pressure and it's mostly tring to come out through an ulcer in my stomach.
I had a good talk with Akriti about boys last night, actually early early this morning. Finished at about 4am. God friggin' DayUM! I don't think I have some of the other people on this campus beat. I'm sad for them. I don't think I could be in their situation and handle it any differently then they already are.
As for my situation: her advice, to wait. I'm grateful to him--he's making me chant a lot about this thing that is my karma. Everytime I think I've surpassed a hurdle, another bigger, blacker, taller one seems to pop up. I have to remember that this race is going to be won 40 or 50 years down the road. Train harder!
I am learning, slowly, to embrace suffering. I am trying to cultivate the attitude "in suffering, I am the most happy." Not in this masochistic sense of things, but in that I know that I am changing something through the things that make me suffer.
My stomach hurts though. I'm seriously going to die because of this guy. I don't think I've had a very happy last couple days--too much stressing. At one point, I honestly felt my soul drowning. I don't know how else to explain it. I am allowing this one person to control my happiness and my suffering. Is that fair to me? Is that fair to him?
I am attached to him somehow. As for how, I don't know yet. I made a list ages ago, a mental list more than anything else, and he fits a lot of the characteristics that I want in my man. The blue eyes, brown hair thing usually gets me crazy. But, even more than the physicial characteristics, the personality traits are important as well.
I read somewhere that to tell how much you like someone, imagine them doing the thing that would hurt you most, and if you would still care for them, then you must be in love. Of course, it's a very basic and facile (almost) definition of what love is. But I think it's hitting partially on the truth. I know how I feel. When, I read that...something panged.
My my my. I don't have any outlets. I know that the people around me understand, but I feel so left-out. Maybe because I don't want to open up. Maybe everytime there are only a couple of people that are actually listening to me.
I am in hell and yet I am finding my way to enjoy it. I know what I have to do and that is continue forward, ever forward, stopping never. I'm reminded of Discussions on Youth. Ask me later.
I saw Big Daddy today on TV for a bit. I forgot about the gay french kiss. Hmm...the two actors look really really alike, kinda creepy, but a hot kiss (for an adam sandler movie) anyway.
I don't know what to do. I do, but I don't. I want to explode and leave bits and pieces of me everywhere, but I don't want to do that either. I really can't wait for summer. I'm going home and I'm going to find a job--work, exercise, and do nothing but SGI activities at home.
When I come back, who knows what will be where and who'll be what, but I know that I have to keep in shape for swimming next year--I'm going to do the 20-hour-a-week program, not the 3-hour-a-week program with Coach Salo. My goals for next year already are set: 5 minutes and 30 seconds. Do you think I can do it? It doesn't matter what you think, I wil do it.
I want to support my SGI YMD. I'm not doing a good job of it at all. "What can I do...". Reminded of This is America.