Ok, so my update: I really shouldn't be doing this right now, but I'm not ready, just yet, to go to sleep.
Today has been a day of great magnitude, really the last few days have been.
I have had a crush on someone from...wow...that's a long time ago (as he checks his logs) November::6 months. I mean it wasn't a total crush at that time, it was just more like, I like this guy a lot. I really didn't know at that time that it would be the catalyst for me to start a major change in my life. But I am starting to get ahead of myself. So I've liked this guy for a long time, 6 months or so, and that feeling has been developing in me ever since then. I mean, to a point where I had to tell him. I started feeling an affinity (mentally as well as physically, something that wasn't there before) for him around my birthday, which was probably a secondary cause for me, that grew until i came to the point about 3-4 days ago where I just couldn't stand it anymore and had to tell him.
I did tell him. It wasn't 'successful' in the fact that I don't have a boyfriend...no matter how much I want one right now (which is
such a childish thing to say).
However, that's not what's really important. I mean, it's not like that it wasn't important for me to tell this guy that I had feelings for him. But right now, I'm realzing, with the help of Ellie, that it isn't exactly the fact that I liked him but the fact that I'm growing and that even if this was a flying leap off the highest cliff in the world, that it is/was a necessary step.
However, to the actuals. On Thursday night (01 may - at least it was a fresh start), I told him that I liked him. I did it in a roundabout way, not coming out first and saying what I wanted to say, but I started telling him about "this guy" that I have a crush on...and eventually got around to telling him it was him that I like. After I finally said that, I was as elated as I have ever been in my life; I could feel the weight lifted off my shoulders, that I felt better, completely throughout my psyche, my mind, my body that I told him how I feel. It was a first step for me to be true with myself. Though, at tha time, he and I weren't face-to-face, we did it andy-style. And being andy-style, it was through MSN. However, I needed to (and I think it was better anyways) talk to him in person. We arranged it so that we could talk about it further in person the next day. I didn't get a response to if he reciprocated the feelings I felt for him.
At this time, I would like to make an aside by making this really cheezy connection to the song by Mandy Moore (mystically born on the same day that I was: 10 April 1984) named "crush": "I know I should tell you how I feel...anytime you call me / I'm too scared to be me / and I'm too shy to say: / I've got a crush on you / I hope you feel the way I do / I get a rush when I'm with you." This, because it's a pop song, reflects rather well how I felt about this guy.
Fast-forward to Friday (2 mar) night/yesterday morning. My 'knight in shining armor' came a bit late, just an hour or so, but I was working on stuff for the Identity club (GSA at SUA), so I mean it was ok, it's not like I would have been able to prepare for our homophobia presentation afterwards. So, when he came, I was so nervous, maybe more nervous than I was to tell him, but at least as nervous. Cut to the chase really quickly...I guess tiredness does that to you. I know that he was very flattered, he told me so. However, he told me that he's straight. (sigh - what a waste: j/k - i mean, come on I have to get my defense mechanisms in: defense mechanisms are *so* great and all, I just want to use one here).
And I guess, I really fell for him, like hard, because I think I misread some signs that he was giving off; though, at the same time, my (girl) friends (though I could have tainted their view, being all in crush with this guy) all think he's gay. He felt happy that I did have a crush on him, that a guy had a crush on him. This made him feel good, he said. I do know that we did talk about life and how we aren't totally sure of ourselves the night before, so that's what context that fits in.
And of course, like in any drama on tv, the roommate (another issue blog) comes in with his friends and we have to go somewhere else to discuss this stuff. So we head off to the living room and finish our conversation. I mean, I'll be okay with this. It's just because this event is so near to where I am right now that I just haven't had enough time to digest what's going on. I do really appreciate his friendship; he's just such a wonderful person, balanced, caring, and deep, that you couldn't dislike him at all.
I do think that I was transparent when he did say that he wasn't straight...I felt a moment of 'shattering' (think
Amélie), but I prepared to hear the worst, and hoped for the best (well the relative best: a new, full, boyfriend-type relationship). Though, throughout the rest of the time, I do think that I was ok, I mean relatively. I was at least able to make it through the night to make it to bed.
Ok, to the 'moral' of the story: this guy is the first person I've ever truly liked on a level deeper than just surface physical looks. For me to admit an affection for him is the largest leap that I could ever make. I still have enough trouble accepting myself as a gay man that allowing myself to be remotely happy even in thinking a relationship is difficult. However, I did make the first step on accepting myself on a deeper level. I think I made a major breakthrough on that. I allowed myself to enjoy the possibility of a relationship, and at the same time, I was comfortable enough with myself to allow myself to tell him that I liked him.
That is a huge emotional/heart barrier to break through. I can't believe that I made such a leap.
However, I do want to say that until tonight, where Ellie and I talked for hours, I still felt the feeling of 'falling' through the abyss of heart-break. I cannot say how much Ellie helped me put things into perspective. It's one thing to admit to yourself that there are positives that can come out of a "unsuccessful" attempt at getting a boyfriend, but the fact that Ellie helped me accept the fact that it is possible, has made my life-state a hundred times better.
Not to say that this event was bad, but I dropped everything to say the relatively few words: "I really like you. Do you like me back?" and right now my life is in need of a stable gongyo and daimoku rythym. I feel that the last month or so has been the worst month in my practice: I feel like I'm becoming the 'fortune babies' (people born into my buddhist practice) that don't know what they have and only go to the gohonzon (the scroll we pray to:metaphorical reflection of our being) when in desperate need. I have been shady the last month, and probably this whole semester on my daily practice, my buddhist study, and going to buddhist activites. I have also been shady (as witnessed at the May 3rd festival) in stuff outside of the classroom.
Ok enough for one entry. I'll add more later as I think/digest later. More info will be above because I think this is way too much for one entry anyways.
