Ok to what I was thinking about:
Life, where i'm going, what i've been doing, what is my focus? what is my mission?
Very deep life questions.
Sigh.
That's been a way too common thing in my life for the last couple of years.
I read a post, a couple days ago, on Outsport's message board from someone who's figured out that (with the help of his therapist) he's lost focus for the last two years.
This made me think about my life and what I've been doing. )Ping( My theory about my life for the last 3 or so years comes in and makes me miserable.
Theory: I have lost focus. There's nothing driving me. I had something driving me before. But I feel that I've lost it, somewhere, somehow.
You can see it in my grades, there's the proof. Something about learning inspired me when I was a child, I did have a break in like 4th and 5th grades, where I didn't want to learn, but that was just in the school setting. I got Fs and all that jazz. But starting around the end of 11th grade. Maybe the pressure of IB started getting to me, but for some reason I just started to feel that either (a) it was all for naught, and why am I doing this? or (b) i stopped letting it challenge me. Either way, or maybe even another way.
I stopped caring as much for my grades, and the rest of my life. Sigh.
I loved Chemistry. I still like it alot. But...
I think I got a 4 on the AP chem exam. That would've foreshadowed at least a 4 on the IB exam and probably a 5 or even 6! But somehow, somewhere along the way, between senior and junior years, i just stopped caring. There was nothing driving me. The thing that drove me before, I don't rem'er it, and I think I've lost touch with it.
And from then, you can see that my grades in my other classes slipped. I once had a 3.7 almost 3.8 gpa in HS, then end of jr year, it was a decent 3.6-3.7. All of a sudden, Sr year hits and I don't care, no focus. Grades slip. The feeling that it's not worth doing work hits. Procrastination, more than just IBing it, real procrastination. Not a crisis, I still survived Sr year, but not without a knock to my grades, 3.41 by graduation. Starting at near 4.0 from freshman to 3.41 would be great if it was just because classes were harder and it was gradual. But it wasn't. That is the gradual part. Charting it makes it look like the economy around 9/11 time.
Sigh.
Life doesn't seem to not have meaning, but I'm not focused on any goal. I feel that I'm swimming in that grrrt big ocean but not really headed anywhere. Great for toursits to do in the centre of the big city. But not good for this little kiddy in the grrt big ocean of his life. Swimming haphazardly may get me somehwere, but i mean, isn't a line from point A to point B the fastest?
Someone tell me it'll be ok!
Ok, so after this whole rehashing of my theory. I started to chant. Something I've not really done in a long time. The last time I really chanted for something was during the PeaceFest in 2001. And that was total burnout. I was going down to Denver 4 times a week for heaven's sake!
Oh well, back then I was chanting every Saturday around 3 hours. Pretty amazing for me to be balancing that and school.
That time the results were great, but I still don't think I grasp the idea that the practice of this buddhism works. I kinda have a clue, but I'm 'not-so-blissfully ingnorant'.
Now that I chanted, I felt better. Like I could change things. That was probably 2 days ago and I haven't had a good chanting session since. I've not even really tried. Why? I don't know. I don't want to. I don't feel like it. Probably even, I don't feel like my life is worth it. )Gasp( Self-esteem troubles surface again. I'm really fucking tired of this whole self-esteem bullshit! It's something that constantly plagues my life. I just want it to fucking go away!
Why? Why? Why?
Because I'm gay? Because I'm a 'minority'? Because I'm Japanese? Because I never fit in at elementary school? Because of my parents? Because of my surroundings? Because of society? Because of the WASPs in this town? Because of back-stabbers? Because of dishonest 'friends'? Because of people who bitch and whine? (yes, the irony will dawn on me later, just fucking shaddup and let me whine). Because I never tried to make my self happy.
I can be an angry bitch if I allow myself to be. Because I don't say what I want to say. Because I don't feel like my words are worth the effort. I feel that I'm not worth the effort sometimes. I feel like a complete shit sometimes for not doing things I should be doing, but I'm too afraid to change it.
What am I supposed to be doing?
The heart of the matter. I don't feel like I'm worth much, if anything at all. Alot of the time. Sometimes, I do feel that I am worth something. When i accomplish something, something to make others proud of me. For them to envy me. All about
me. Yes, I can be selfish. Very very friggin selfish.
I depend on others sometimes way too much. Then again, I also need these people because they are who give me the most happiness in this deluded time. (Both, philosophical and non-philosophical meanings in 'deluded' there.)
I really feel negative a lot of the time.
I constantly feel in need of acceptance. Maybe. Hmm.
I'm kind of done deconstructing myself at the moment. I kinda need to think and let my mind rest. I'll be back later on to finish up. If there's a need to finish up. I'm sure there is.
There's also the matter of starting those top ten lists. (meek smile).
