Ok so after this whole chanting thing. I felt better. I decided that I have to do something, even if I didn't seen the meaning behind it, but just to do something. That lasted about a day or day and a half. I'm kinda back to where I started.

Square One.

Tonight though, I may be starting another attempt to change myself. I was energized by the teleconference from FNCC (Florida Nature and Culture Center = Buddhist retreat style place for leadership confs).

I need to take actions to change myself.

Things I want to change:
-Meekness
-Shyness
-Not saying things when I should
-Standing up for my right to be happy
-Being confident (not arrogant) in myself as a friend, brother, son, man, asian, gay, a student, a field hockey player, a swimmer, as all the things I am to all the people I know.

How will I do it? I don't know. But I do know that I have tools that will help me along the way.
Shakubuku (shoji) [propagation of the Law]
Chanting (daimoku) [prayers]
Study (gosho / lectures / guidance)

Faith, practice, and study. Three tenents to practice in the SGI and in Nichiren's buddhism. I need to work on all three. I've really just been coasting on my parent's fortune for me. I'm tired of the shit that i create for myself and I know I have the key in hand. It's now time to actually try to use it. That don't mean I'll be successful from the onset. However, I have to try. I have no other option. I need to change somethings in my life!

The question is 'will I?' (Already doubting myself, bad idea.)

Nay, the statement I make now is, I will change my life.

Goals:
Chant 1 hour a day.
Study something during the day from the LB or GZ.
Start to talk about my practice more freely with friends, people I know. Maybe even ask them to come to a buddhist meeting. (But that's still a couple of steps ahead.)

But I have to start somewhere, so, here I will start. I might as well choose from today. the 28th/29th of June 2003.