Ok, so per usual. My moments of insanity have passed and I have once again proven that I'm insane. There you go, the score is now: Insanity - 1202, Sanity - 1.

So, what is this in reference to? Ah yes, the whole N thing from FH a couple of blog-times ago. I'm just insane, you can admit it, I can admit it. I just tend to latch onto an idea and run with it, before logically thinking out what I'm latching on to (or whether it makes sense/is logical). Welcome to my world.

I guess I have proven myself wrong in so many of those overly-self-conscious moments, that I really just should ignore deep-panicked moments feeling insecure, my fear of being alone. Maybe, maybe, maybe.

Today, though I got to play Field Hockey without abandon. The D, as in Defense (or for all y'all brit-folk: defenCe) for the first half or so of our pick-up game was awesome. AB and I kicked butt. Yay for us!

Today I did about 25 mins of daimoku in the morning and I felt so centered today. It's like I did at least ok in everything I set out to do. Now if I could just get enough courage to go get a job or call my "job" about going and getting more hours.

Hmm...things have been ok, which I guess is a sad state of affairs to live in. I really want to go to a gay club. I wonder if KC is going anytime soon. Hopefully we can go in a posse...:]. That'll be great. With other men, maybe I can find someone...to talk to...have fun with...to do something.

It makes me wonder, what is it about a journal that is so inspiring or self-reflecting to people...it's all about self-incursion, self-discovery, self-this, self-that. It's all about the me me me narcisstic tendency that humans have. I wonder if this is really helping my self grow. Maybe, maybe not...but I do know, right now this makes me feel better and helps me go about my day.

I went to the gaywrites site, and I was reading James Farmer's log...of essays. It's kinda sad to see someone who is totally down about their life. I wonder what I'll be thinking like in 20 years, or 21 years, as I approach and turn 40 years old. That seems so far away and it seems like it's filled with a lot of difficulties, but I think I could change so much. The question I have now though is "will I change?" "Will I change the world?"

Hmm...enough philosophizing...time for bed.

PS I need to kick the porn habit. Bad porn, bad.