Now that I got all that journaling/blogging outtathaway. It's time to focus on the current andy-crisis of the moment.

I'm in serious need of motivation.

I have none.

Job, kinda got one, waiting for them to call back and say "Andy, we need you to work again." Which, I think will be soon, it sounds like they'll eventually need me soon.

However, other than the occasional pick-up field hockey game or ultimate frisbee and doing the Reker taxi service (I charge $0.55 per mile after a mile, cheapest rates in the nine-seven-oh), I hardly get off of my ass to do anything. That's nice, ya know, ain't it?

This coincides with a lack of challenges in my emotional life. Being home leads to passivity, or at least in my case it does. I don't think I've done anything productive. Even doing gongyo (prayers) has become austere and meaningless sometimes. I need an invigorating spiritual challenge in my spirituality. >sigh<, which of course is to keep my spirituality going even during times of mediocrity. (Imagine the light bulb going off in my head at the moment).

In addition to this, I'm realising that I'm not really 'cured' from my feelings for R. I need more time, and, apparently, more space (wow!) to deal with that. It'll be an interesting process...because I don't think I still fully realise what R said to me. Did he leave a door open saying "right now"? I don't get it. "Yes, you are", or "no, you aren't"?

Am I over-super-hyper-dramatizing this? Most probably.

I'll eventually figure it out myself, somehow.

I need some rest, but at the same time I need something to do. I'm a tide pool: stagnant, draining, and drying out. I don't know where I can go from here though. I guess I'll have to wait for the next wave to come in to replenish me. Hopefully.

I also need a man. I don't know, but right now the biological clock is in full "seed the world" mode and this whole thing is getting annoying. I'm imagining screwing every guy who walks by. Damn!, even worse than usual! Ugh! I know that a one-night stand won't help me out spiritually, let alone help my fears of sex, but it's looking mighty probable right now that I'll find one/some soon.

Question of the moment associated with that: Am I ready to lose my virginity? Am I mentally and spiritually and psychotically ready for that? I mean, I've done 'stuff' with a nameless person b4, but not that stuff. Hmm. If I'm questioning it, then I'm not, am I?

Related question: Am I confident of myself? Do I claim/act to be confident, when I'm really being arrogant? I do think so, at times. I'm so afraid of who I am that it hinders me from coming out to my parents. I'm confident enough that a lot of my friendships are expendable and that I'll not really miss people who are turned away by my homosexuality, but I'm still not sure enough of myself to tell my parents or even really utter the words "I am gay," in public, that I'll even go to the lengths of dropping hints, extensive hints, which require an extensive background of current news to get people around me to say "Oh, are you gay?" and that even then I'll just say "yes," or just nod my head.

Andy, you are fucking gay, damnit! Admit it to yourself and to...yourself. (ugh, my sense of humor is coming back...I'm getting better.)

Where am I in life? Where shall I go? Whom shall I meet?

Andy: Can't I just become a hermit? Please, please, please?
Dismembered voice of god: No, to grow you must interact with people.
Andy: Why must I grow?
Dvog: Because, you will not change your karma if you don't grow. Because, you must interact with people, otherwise you'll go crazy.
Andy: You have a good point there.
Andy: (Aside) Do you think he's crazy? Or is it just me?
Dvog: I know all and hear all...shaddup!
Andy: Ooops, forgot about that. Sorry.
Andy sits and ponders, in broad daylight, wondering why everything around him seems to be covered by a thick fog.