Happy New Years!

Happy new years! )as of yet, in japan, australia, malaysia, new zealand, phillippines( We'll be partying pretty soon here as well!

Not much to talk about.

Today I went to lunch with a family friend and my obaachan. We went to Mt Fuji, the japanese food place by Best Buy and that whole Harmony/Troutman complex near College. It was a good obento. That's another thing I miss when I'm at SUA. There's a whole slew upon a slew of good restaurants, or at least decent meals and the like that are good around here...but those aren't avail in AV. )argh(

Yesterday, met a cool lady and her husband, who are members here in the FC area, down south, in the Huntington Hills (yah know by Paragon Point, Southridge Golf Course; ok ok, so near the intersection of Lemay and Fossil Creek Pkwy, around 5000-6000 address wise on Lemay). They're a nice couple; and the lady knows John/Jay Marzullo, the OC SGI Region leader. Super cool! She practiced from her Kotekitai days in FL, moved to SoCal, and then to NorCal and then here. So she's been to all the cool places around here and there.

Between yesterday and last Saturday, I didn't do much. I went shopping at the Flatirons, near 120th/Boulder Turnpike on Monday (i think) and that was cool. I got a couple of cool chokers, and went to Borders and got some books. I should really get to reading those soon!

I finished the Redwall-series book I was reading. It was pretty good, and now I want to read another. So, I'm using that energy to try to read _Les Miserables_. I only read a short part (the Priest's Candlesticks) in French, and saw the movies (both in english and french). So far it was good, I'm just kinda daunted by like a 500pg _abridged_ edition.

Oh well,
so far nothing exciting
Tomorrow's the new year!
Happy 2004!

Ho hum...

Home is ho-hum, pretty much.

I went to hockey today, that was fun. Afterwards went to silver mine and Pan's. Silver Mine was good, grilled chicken sub, warm! Yum! At Pan's I avoided that pizza and had the garlic cheese bread. Oiishiii!!! (datta!). T'was good.

After that, we went to Miah and Sarah's. Watched all of american pie and then came home and promptly fell asleep. It felt good to fall asleep; thought that maybe I was getting sick, but now I feel better, so I KNOW that i'm not.

Now I know that I should know this, but the air is thin up here. Only a few thousand (or 5 thousand) feet higher, and I haven't done any work out in about 1.5~2.0 weeks, but still, i thought I was in better shape. I guess not, D'oh!

Funerals are weird...

I don't know what to do at a christian funeral... I mean I'm already a buddhist, what else do u want me 2 do...function in a judeo-christian-amoral world?!?!?!?!

Ok, so it's not that bad, but I've never been to a funeral before. EVER. And the service is too quiet, they say celebrate the love and life, but there's no celebration. Tears are good, but accompanied by grief only is something I don't like. I think all the asians in the place (about 7) threw off the people who were there that actually knew the guy. But we were there to support our buddy Dale, who asked us to come. So we went. Maybe, t'was a bad idea for me and my bro to go to a funeral. :(

Then there's the thought that within the next 2-3 years, one of the people in my IB class will probably tragically have died somehow or someway. That's a scary thought, and maybe by the time we're 25 we'll have known more than 5 people who were in the same class as we were in school, will probably have died as well.

As I reach towards 20 years old, the prospect of life being a constant cycle of death and rebirth, starts to make more sense to me as well.

Hmm...in buddhism: the concept is that at every breath, one is reborn again. It is that we'll eventually die, but only in our physical form; our spiritual form: soul, won't go away; it's just resting. Unfortunately, it seemed like the people there didn't subscribe to that philosophy as much. :
Oh well, g'night!

a night of little rest...and much anticipation

And no it ain't Christmas, that was yesterday.

Last Samurai was so awesome, I had a dream with Tom Cruise in it; and NO, not THAT kind of dream!!! (Though, I wouldn't mind it if it came my way.)

And I have









Field hockey tomorrow.

Partay! Ok, well actually Sleepppay!

G'night!

DVD Lists

(4) Forrest Gump
(A1) Philadelphia
(A2) Angels in America
(5) One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest
(B1) Last Samurai
(B2) Hero

Hoy dia...maybe it was P-hat

Phat...phat...phat. (no not "fat"...F-ah-t, though that's going to be totally read wrong :| - grrr). Tee hee hee.

Today was fun...it doesn't really feel like christmas, I notice, the more you get older. Maybe it's a maturing thing, maybe it's the buddhist thing, but Xmas is just not Xmas anymore. I hate people who don't shorten it, though, if you think about it as a holy holiday, it is quite disrespectful.

I saw Last Samurai today. Whooweeee, watch out world, we japanese are apparently die-hard fighters. Though it was still an "American-goes-to-an-exotic-location movie" I still think that this one was a good flick; go see it! If you haven't already, that is.

We're looking for places to find an Activity Center!!! Whoohoo!...too bad everything seems a bit big or just a mite small for our tastes. I'm hoping that we'll get exactly what we need.

Ok, I have to pay back the parents $550 for insurance! Hmm...they're giving me maybe 1k, I should probably return that so I feel better. Plus May Contributions AND Zaimu for the SGI, I think I'll be flat broke before I even get back to school. I also want to save $75 per paycheck for my spending money for Spain/Argentina.

Where am I going to go, I still haven't looked at the websites yet. I'm really worried about the place I may go. I'm not so sure, and I'll be back on campus soon. Only 12 days left and I still have to study Chinese when I get back; I'm forgetting characters, and some grammar.

This'll be interesting getting back into school; I'm already starting to stress about it!

Lists of what DVDs I need to get: suggestions accepted, use that dang comment thingy on the bottom!!!
(1) Pleasantville
(2) October Sky
(3) Apollo 13

The day remains unfulfilled

It is such an unfulfilling day. I don't know how I managed to do anything with all this time open to do stuff back here. I haven't seen a soul other than my family. I mean it seems that no one is out in the neighborhood; probably still out shopping :D !

I guess it's time to go out and see those people that I know around here. I should, but it's Xmas Eve, I doubt that there'll be many people around. Maybe a movie tonight; perhaps.

Instant messaging should be banned from SUA

It's such a hamper to living. Though, it's nice to be able to "talk" to people online, you don't get the same effect as actually talking. I can see why people can be disgusted with it. Hmm...just a random thought.

Whoa! New blogger!

~~~Interesting

Home...with internet, finally!

I got home, yes, yes, it so seems that it took me more than 4 days to get home, but that's just blog-time for ya.

The internet isn't working on my laptop, i get a connection, but i only send packets and don't recieve any. Isn't that weird for ya?

I can't believe how much i missed this place. It's nice being home with plush carpeting!!! Not that crushed crap with like a half-inch of padding beneath it. Gyoza and foods are nice, but oh did I miss being able to eat at 9, 2, and 7, (and maybe 11). Along with a dinner at 5. It's nice being back home. People know you, you know people. I just wish that I didn't have to go shop in about 10 minutes after i finish this blog.

Thanx to ED, ATaka, and RK for dropping me off at the 'port. It really doesn't take 3 people to take me, but I'm going to miss them thouroughly. Heredia/Costa Rica, Nanjing/China, and Beijing/China, is where all those people are going. I'm going to miss being with all three of them for the next year, but I know that they have to go and I have to go.

I forgot how fanatical people can be here in CO with their practice as well. But it's nice, it's nice to know that people here have a stronger faith and stronger ?intuition?. Sensei is coming next year. Or so they say. Until he steps foot on the US, I won't believe it. But, I'm sure he'll be here for the entrance and hopefully for graduation. Graduation is so important for me, i'd rather spend the last few months of the '05 class with them, than the first of their last few months.

I can't believe I've been back for 3 days now...it don't seem right that I've been back this long, and still haven't seen anyone yet. Maybe tonight I'll be able to go out. So far I've been to the Denver Culter Center twice. And that's about it. I saw a lot of people down there at the DCC, but no one else really in the FC.

It's near christmas and, now I'm gonna go shopping!

MSNBC - Ghostly image at Britain's Hampton Court

MSNBC: "Creeeeeeepy"

www.AndrewSullivan.com - Greatest Hits - Homosexuality

www.AndrewSullivan.com

In harmony with my mentor...i shall fight.

Does what I do create value?

Things are better after a good nights sleep.

Things always feel better after a good nights sleep. I know that...

The piles of shit i enumerated before are still there, but I think I have some focus right now.

I can't think about much right now other than finals and papers, yet i'm so frustrated that I can't focus on those things. I need a break! My brain hurts. I need to get some perspective. Life, could be better, but I'm glad that I have my SGI members here and my district. They're always comforting and supportive. They are my family here.

I can't remember how it felt in my home district, but I know that the feeling of family here is stronger and warmer.

I worry about what this place will be like once the pioneering juniors are gone. It helps that we're getting our leaders from last year are coming back from Study Abroad. But still the majority of the juniors are leaving for their study abroads. We're loosing a lot of the central Pearl staff and we haven't created a solid group of central people, yet. It will happen, but I'm less hopeful right now. I'm glad that Nathan is becoming a part of the fold and it sounds like Tetsushi is interested as well. I know that there's going to be people coming back, I just want the freshman to take a lead and I don't know maybe I just don't trust enough that it'll happen. Maybe my expectations are too high and I'm not setting realistic expectations that the froshes will be like the group that is the central pearl staff now.

I dunno i'm just being stupid and should do my homework. I just needed to get this part out.

I'm going to miss all of you juniors.

what has my world come to?

I don't know exactly how I'm feeling right now. It feels good to start feeling something right now. I just wish I had a fucking clue as to what exactly this feeling would be called.

(There goes the automatic laughing - shirking - defence mechanism.)

I don't know what I'm feeling, it's a lot of anger over my apathy today. It wasn't bad apathy I did manage to get stuff done; mostly stuff dealing with The Pearl. We finally published and it looks GOOD! I don't know why it's bothering me so much, but for some reason, I feel that I wasted a day away. It's a bad place to be. I haven't had a really consistent practice for the last month or so with so many things asking for my attention; mostly classes. Classwork has become more and more last minute.

A lot of what I'm feeling is a bunch of shit coming up from the past, a bunch of shit from right now and a bunch of shit about the future.

So where shall we start? About the past? Good, it's my ride, you follow.

The past shit.

There's a lot: be warned!

Ok, so mabye I'll start on the next line.

So, this shit of which I've been talking about for a while, what is it? It's a lot about my feelings of abandonment. I don't know exactly why, but i have a big fear of abandonment. I want/need/seek things that stay nearly exactly the same. I also have a destructive tendency in my life, so at the same time, i'm trying to find something that's impernament, that's also what i crave for as I'm trying to find something permanent.

This has resluted in a lack of any sexually-involved relationships, and many many superficial friendships. I'm afraid of the change and afraid of the possiblity of abandonment. Therefore i have a high standard of who i'll even onsidere dating...if that. Then, that makes me question my self worth. Shit number 1.

Shit number 2.

A lot of my shit comes from hiding and not finding a let-out for what i'm feeling. I'm deathly afraid of speaking sometimes. It's a fault of mine, I know, but I don't want to dominate a conversation, like I know I will if I'm allowed to let everyfuckingthing that i have in my mind go. I like that I'm able to choose some of my words carefully. But back to the emotions part. Ihave so much fuckedup stuff rolling around in my mind and I'm afraid to let it out, it' just endsup staying bottled up in my brain. Therefore I can't find a let-out to let any steam off. I'm always feeling like I need to have a good scream and, yet, I can't find any real reasyon why I should feel that way. I feel so fucked-up because of not being able to let-go and let steam out.

Shit number 3.
Why am I like this? Is a constant question that's always haunted me.

Shit number 4:
My horrible self-image is not helping me along with getting a better feeling about myself. I really want to change my dieting habits but I can't do a great job here. I want to work out, but not being able to this morning made me so cranky and shitty feeling that I don't know what to do. I feel like today I've been floating around JUST FUCKING BECAUSE i wasn't able to do my morning workout. Usually it's nothing that's that critical. But i feel so out-of-sync that I really needed something to be consistent...which of course nothing has. As you can tell by my bloggin' habits as of recent, i'm being very inconsistent with things.

Shit number 5:
Why can't I feel extreme emotion?

I can't remember the last time I really had a break-down or a long cry. I can't remember. I don't remember. It must have been something like when first moved to the 'new' house. That would be no more than when I was in second grade. Could it have been that long? I remember telling myself as a child once that "I wouldn't ever let myself cry again." I guess my determination came true. I don't remember the circumstances around that, but something in the core of me was affected enough that I didn't ever want to cry again. I don't care what it was, but I want to cry, i want to laugh, i want to be able to live life FULLY.

Shit now:
I have somany fucking things that I need to od, but I really don't feel like I have any time to do anything. It probably is from my attitude and my need ot do some exercise and reinvigorate my body and myself. I just need a fix of endorphines. I have angst I'm trying to use it for a good cause. I'm dead tired, I feel dead tired and all i really want to do is go home and use some avoidance techniques. I also need a release valve or something for all this pent-up stress. I really need to start playing field hockey again. I just need something. I feel like I'lll explode if I'm not able to play sometime soon. Mostly I just need to be able to feel like I'm "normal".

Wu said something today that made me realize how much I still have to change: it went something like this: "Being at soka makes your weaknesses come out; if you don't change them here, then you're not really doing well here." Also, in the newspaper today, Kraus's thing about college actually being about working hard makes me realize how much harder I can work in my studies. I do so much shit doing nothing, really like nothing and going to bed early; I have all this energy (you can see it in my inner-tubular stomach) that is waiting to be used, I can really friggin use it~~~!

Shit for the future:
My crew, my brainiacs aren't going to be here for the next 6 months at least and probably a year. How will I be able to get through my days without ellie, ann, jess, sammi, and allie? I don't exactly know how. And that scares me. I'm afraid of how I'll be once I'm alone with really just myself and a few of my neighbors. Will i turn hermity and all that shit and deal with my stuff...will i become happier. What will happen to me, myself, and I when these most important people in my life leave me here for a few months. I know it's not the end of the world, but it does make my future less clear.

Shit 2: I want to become a stronger person, but I can't even maintain something consistent, what does that spell for the future.

So i have a bunch of shitty emotions welling up...muck muck muck.

Rocky Mountain News: Education

Rocky Mountain News: Education: See, I thought the Federal Government couldn't regulate much of anything in Eduation at all...

angels in america fucking rocks!

It's that frigging good! Meryl Streep is awesome! And the gay, republican, mormon guy is cute too...though in a weird way.

Top 10 movies, ever. (09|12|2003)

1 Amelie
2 Bowling for Columbine
3 Angels in America
4 Ronin
5 One Hour Photo
6 Philadelphia
7 Forrest Gump
8 Contact
9 Princess Mononoke (Jp: Mononoke Hime)
10 Bend It Like Beckham

...Did I forget nething? (Comments Below)

Is it normal...

To be thinking about this much sex?
To listen to what your head thinks and then regret it later?
To stop and think for hours on end about nothing really?
To want to feel something that you know will only come with experience?
To not shut-up and start living?
To ask questions you already know the answers to but to refuse to see them?

I think I'm ok with the idea of sexuality, of being sexual. But why does it bother me so? What in my life, what in my karma is it that gives me this utter fear of sex, the act of sex, the act of anything sexual, the act of something sexual? Is it just my karma to have been born in the land of judeo-chrisitan backgrounds, or is it something in my soul, in my past, or could it be my real personality? What is the cause of all this?

What is it about full moons and midnights that always make me think; too much.

Eminem’s anti-Bush lyrics weren’t meant for public...

Eminem’s anti-Bush lyrics weren’t meant for public
Not so much anything interesting, except for the last paragraph on the thing about Eminem.

Andy _Creates_ drama! ugh...

I'm just being dramatic everybody!!!

whatever it is...i need to kick it into gear!

i don't know what to do...i'm lazy. ugh.

Hmm...Liberal?

(grin)

I could say that I feel good, but that'd be a lie.
I could say that I feel crappy, and that's a lie, too.
My world is crumbling.

I live in a land of the half-dead, half-alive.
A wall of squares sits in front of me,
Illuminated only by a few lights. Here, there.

A man passed me on the street and assaulted me.
A man talked to me online and assaulted me.
I told them to "get the fuck away!," nicely.

I deserve to be spoken to as more than pleasure.
I want to feel love, feel loved, and give it back.
Isn't there something better?

27, HAH! More like, 16!
"What is age? Just a number!" a girl told me.
She would be able to tell me what to do with a stalker,
If this one becomes one.

Life begins with me, not with someone else.
Life begins now, not yesterday.
Life begins now, not tomorrow.

IF I didn't feel so crappy, I'd be happy...

From AV take the SDF towards LA, continue on the SAF towards LA, when you get to the junction of the SAF, HF, and SMF, take the HF towards LA/CC, get off at GAve and make a (R).

Get it?

As i sit and listen to the song that's on my WinAmp right now that goes:
"There's a time for peace, a time for fighting / a time to live, a time to die / there's a time for getting low n down / there's a time for getting high..."

I can't help but wonder what it is about our culture that makes us want to distinguish, differentiate, and discriminate, even things we can't really control: i.e. time or at least the movement of time. This hour (60 minutes / 3600 seconds) is for bla bla bla, and this next 1800 seconds is for bla bla bla number 2. Ok, and eat lunch for bla bla bla seconds, can't go further than bla bla bla + bla bla bla seconds. Things are due, but why make it so difficult to live, and not care about time, but truly care about people and lives?

Then,

Do I think like other people think? I am totally out there in thinking this way? Critically all the time thinking about something, or nothing. Always thinking about something else, when i should be thinking about what's in front of me?

Dreamed, Dream, Dreaming:

So I had an interesting dream rigt now right before I awoke.

It dealt with yet another, scary situation, where we (My brothers and I) are being chased by a huge rat-like/dinosaur-monster that kills everyone that my group is in. So we're being chased around an ice castle or something like that by this rat-like dinosaurish kinda thing; I think I'll name him "Chompy". I'm afraid the whole time. I can't not stop thinking about what those people felt like when they were dying. Either way, I keep on running and my brothers are also with me. We find a way to appease the dinosaur. We're in a kitchen and somehow we're able to speak with Chompy, and I don't know how it happens, but we get him smaller and smaller, until he's a manageable size. I think first we put him in a freezer and, apparently the colder Chompyis, he gets less active, less bitey, and smaller. So, we, or at least I, think that's fine. We put him inside a aluminum thingy full of eggs and then throw that in the freezer. We think that's fine, or so my two brothers think it's completely fine. The second brother tries to close the door and it doesn't close, only half-way. So I tell them to find the door that matches. Neither do it. They're both confident that it'll hold, a piece of aluminum that is. So, eventually, of course, I'm proven right, I even say so! Chompy gets out and then starts to jump around monster-like, lands on me, and then starts to nibble into me by my stomach. Then I wake up.

Totally interesting dream. I was genuinely afraid in the dream, but I don't know if I'm like that now that I'm awake.

Long time since I've written, perdoname, por favor.

There's not a lot to write for me, mainly because there is no state of crisis: mental, physical, or emotional. I have caught a flu or cold, maybe even the FUJIAN flu. Yum, this oughta be good.

Bend It Like Beckham is such a good movie!!!


"We'll turn these mosquito bites into juicy juicy mangos."

"Lesbian? But I thought she was a Pieces."

"Why did she take Jasminder's shoes?"

"But your Indian..."

"Take your lesbian feet out of my shoes!"

Intresting: MSNBC | Moving Targets

All Geek to Me - Nerd Love on Average Joe. By Dahlia Lithwick

Gay.com News

This made me think of days of Amendment 2. Did anything really change since then? Can we say that Colorado is a more accepting or even tolerant place after that issue?

Because...this federal marriage amendment is coming from the minds of two of colorado's most conservative members. It makes me wonder how many Coloradoans really believe in the politics of Allard and Musgrave. Musgrave being the ultra-conservative Fort Morganer and Allard being the ... ultra-conservative Fort Collins/Lovelandite. Why do all these whackos come from my part of the state???

Are FCinaders that conservative, or is it that there's _that_ many rural people who tip the scales. Don't they believe in "Live as you live, as long as it don't affect us"? As long as it's what stays behind closed doors, then, eh? So long as you don't see out couples kissing and doing the "couple thing". It's fine.

WhatEVER!

If whomever my boyfriend will be, and I are walking hand-in-hand down the street or kissing as we socialize...I don't care if it makes you uncomfortable. You need some uncomfortability in life. And if your politics bothers me, fine. Just don't set anything that can preclude dialogue and discussion on topics important to me.

"X Marks the spot...kewl!

Umm...what the HECK!?!?

The male "pill"...interesting...

I'm so procrastinating...maybe I should try to do something that's more productive? Though, i've spent about all my night from about 7PM to now doing anything and everything but writing my two papers and studing for chinese. Argh!

Courts and Same-Sex Marriages | csmonitor.com

No comment!

La vida no es dificil ahora...for now.

MA High Court in Massachusetts Rules Gays Have Right to Marry

Millionformarriage.org | Yah!

Tired, but awak at 7h00AM. ..! yay !..

My feelings at the mome can be summarized by this statement: "As much empty as I am tired."

"Hey, J It looks like you're in a queenly moment..."
"I live in a queenly moment."

Just took someone to the ER. Got back and 'been talking to people for the last hour and a half or so.

It seems that there was some bleeding goin' on 'down there' with her.

I want to help, but I really don't know what I can do. I think, after talking it over with the rest of my hall mates, that we just show our support for her. It seems like what needs to happen with her is an attitude change/shift. Hopefully our support, will show her that we care and want her to succede here at SUA.

All for now, I'll attempt to sleep and try'n' study tomorrow morn'.

BLOGGER - Knowledge Base

The Onion | Mom Finds Out About Blog

I'm really really tired....'waked late this morning.

I think I only got 4h00 of sleep...i crashed in LIT, and in AMEX. Totally not worth going to that class on my behalfs. I was totally non-contributive.

Je dois pratique plus le francais. Je ne peux pas le ecrire. Je pense que je n'ai que a trouver un personne, mais il n'y en a beaucoup de personnes ici qui peut m'enseigner bcp. il est important que je practique le francais, mais je ne veux pas trouver qq'un qui va m'enseigner. Il ne faut que je contacte qq'un, mais ca c'est un chose qui me prends bcp d'energie. Une chose que je n'en ai pas bcp.

Merde! Je veux, mais, je ne peux. Je pense que les mots "je ne peux pas," le phrase le plus triste et deprimant.

Donce! je vive plus optimiste, je dois le faire.

Sorry, no translation, would take a bit too long. Je ne pense plus en francais, seulement en espagnol ou anglais. Je ne reve presque jamais en francais. Je ne reve plus.

(1)

Je dors, mais je ne reve.
Je me leve, mais je ne reve.
Tu dors, et tu ne reve a moi.
Tu te leve, et tu ne reve a moi.

Je t'haine, mais je t'adore
Je t'attende, mais tu ne viens
Je t'attende, et tu t'en vas
Je t'haine.

(2)

C'est moi,
le probleme?
Je crois pas.
Je veux toi seulement,
comment ca faire un probleme?
Je te trouve et puis je te suive.

Moi, je suis le probleme?
Tu ne m'aime. Ca c'est le probleme
Pense en tout ce que nous pouvons devenir.
Il n'y a que maintenant, nous.
Nous nous sommes.

ParleS! Dites-moi qq'ch. JE TE VEUX!
JE T'AIME! Ne m'aimes-tu pas?

Quelle horreur!

SNOW~~~!

Ted...a UAL thing, but still good idea!

Currently...
...not listening to music.
...not doing homework.
...procrastinating.
...getting ready to do lab and workbook stuff for espanyol.

Ok, so what's up with me? Not much really. I bet I can fill up this space though.

One thing I did hear was that JBushnam's father died, suddenly, of a heart attack. This was from Hil, who's in TX who got this info, I'm guessing from either Megan or Lori. And all I can think is how close death is coming to my life. Just a few weeks ago, SSmith's father died suddenly too. It's sad to actually see that people are not invincible, though just for kicks my mind still likes to think so.

I really dislike people who are flirtatious. It angers me because I know I could fall for them. Only because I'm in what anyone calls a "desperate" sexual mode. I can imagine waiting for that someone that I'm in love with; however, I haven't found that one, hell I haven't even really been looking. Sex is what my chemistry tells me to find, though my mind for some reason or other says to not even look for it, not even seek relationships.

First of all, where's the ego? I need a middle ground, somewhere, between my id and my superego. I haven't found it though, and of course I'm a mostly super-ego driven person, so I won't look, or even try, at that, for a relationship. Hmm...I have a feeling that I'm repressing something!

Second, why aren't there any out guys on campus, that aren't kinda femmie, not that I don't like fem-'mos, but what gets me going is someone who's rather non-gay-acting.

Third, what is it that I'm afraid of? Rejection.

Hence, any guy who is flirtatious, even if straight and dating, screws me up further. Only because I know I can't have him BUT he's still my kinda sexy, or close-enough to it.

Ugh!

Oh, we gots some gifts from Cassie (though, she's not called Caisy, as I did say during dinner when I got the gift...sorry Cassie!!!). The gift is so~~~ cool; i got a clear file from a Tokyo library (tu/shu_guanV). Henyouyisi. It's so cool! Domo Arigatou kashi-chan!

Other news, I need to do a lot of sh*t, but I won't do it. Though, I feel like I'm more on top of things than I was before, like last week.

I was able to meet with NS from OCPN and go over somethings that need to happen, eventually, with the OCPN website. It's my current web-maintenance/web-building exercise. You can see it here. I didn't make most of the site, it's rather GonzaLo's thing. I definitely don' t have the skills OR creativity to make a whole, complete site like this. I however, did do some clean-up of the code and yada yada yada, so that the site would look better. There's some other cosmetic stuff that needs to happen, but I think it's at a place where it could be published. Now, if the OCPN weren't as slow as it is, then we could get somewhere. :D.

I talked with Hil, like I mentioned b4, over the weekend for 80 mins!, didn't mention that b4 did I?. It was nice talking to her. She told me that she's wondering why she's at that specific college and that she's considering going back to CO and entering CU. I'm thinking that it's a bit of homesickness, but also a lack of things to do. It sounds a lot like Soka, except with out the ebullient, friendly, and out-going people. (I mean come on it is texas! j/k--love y'all texans.)

speaking of texans...hehe david carr.

But back to Hil. It sounds like once she finds a good group of friends...aside: it's really hard to find friends after you've been with the same group of people for 3-4 years. You just become "used" to having those people around you, 'n to move to another place and have to make new friends and going from acquaitances to friends is difficult. It's also partly because the group that you were in b4 wasn't ever really hostile, or hostile-acting to becoming friends...she'll be fine. However, getting to that point with any group, or hell, with any person takes a lot of courage and persistence. Otherwise, it'll be something that will take a lot longer.

Toes on the nose!

Sports have been on my mind, mostly because the PHS boys soccer team won the state championship. Quite cool, for the place I grad'd from. I think it's long overdue that a non-Denver school won that thing too. However, I think that it's also interesting that the Soccer team, not that well funded, can get a state champ as compared to the Football team, which was booted out in the 4ter finals.

Sure, it's a different team, but I can feel some redemption. Now if the football (soccer) team would win state 4 years in a row...that'd be hella cool! I like football, but I think that there needs to be a diversification in the sports. Just Football, Basketball, and Baseball is boring. Hence, my affair with Field Hockey.

Hehe, don't I wish I had an affair.

Like, I said, I can fill up space rather well.

I'll write more of my pent-up frustrations tomorrow, or I mean later today...so I'll catchya l8r.

Does this not explain life sometimes?, from The Red Badge of Courage:
He suddenly lost concern for himself, and forgot to look at a menacing fate. He became not a man but a member. He felt that something of which he was a part--a regiment, an army, a cause, or a country--was in a crisis. He was welded into a common personality which was dominated by a single desire. For some moments he could not flee no more than a little finger can commit a revolution form a hand.

Where are all the real leading men?

Procrastination is a bitch...gotta go to bed in 1hour or i'll explode tomorrow...and that kinda goryness ain't beautiful...it's FUNCKINGLY ungly.

Now, I go to exercise. I'll post tonight, I think.

Finally, I'm getting back on track...sorry for the non-postings. Just been a bit busy with school-work. I'm a born-again studioso.

RockyMountainNews.com

RockyMountainNews.com

Bush's Democracy Message Gets a Warmer Welcome Than the Messenger (washingtonpost.com)

New Scientist

Hmm...interesting...metrosexuals.

Guardian Unlimited | The Guardian | 'The public demands openness'

Signorile-365gay.com

Anti-gay-marriage push announced

(NY Times) - (! Register !) Jessica Lynch Criticizes U.S. Accounts of Her Ordeal

Hail to the champs

Palestinians Forced to Apply for Permits

The Untouchable

oh yeah, sleep to get perspective and rest.

i feel like i'm going to explode and it won't be pretty. explanation will be forthcoming, but right now i sleep.

That awful Vietnam comparison

Haha!

Stomach, hurt. Hospital. Ouch! IV! Hydration! Diarrhea! Vomiting! Better...hydration! Back, sleep.

Hot

Taiwan, of all places...

CBS-Gay Bishop Answers Critics

Tired,but it feels good. Did my arches fall tonight or what?

there are no words to explain how tired i am can i say it no too much energy required-tv is on music plays-i am tired-toomuchjustintimberlakeplayedatthehauntedhousedexstuff. itwouldbenicetoseeifpeoplecouldactuallygetthingsdoneontime, butthenagainishouldntbetheonecomplainingbecauseidoitjustasbadastheydo.

gnight

exactly

::fireBlog::

To bed i go.

A student was found dead this early this morning in Sunset Hall at Soka University of America. A friend knocked on the student's door early in the morning, at approximately 5h00AM to borrow a stapler, and found the body of the dead student underneath a large pile of books. Authorities say it appears that the student died from a pile of books falling on top of him and then a subsequent suffocation from the weight of the books. However, nothing will be certain until an autopsy is conducted.

Most students that we talked to have said that they were worried that an incident like this could happen. "Midterms have been going on for three weeks, so it seems, so people might have forgotten to return books to the library," commented one student.

Administration on campus had no comments, but did express their wish of deep condolances ("cordolances!") to the family of the dead student.

---Story of my life for the last 3 weeks.

Funnest. Night. Ever.

So, clubbing...in WeHo. (West Hollywood for all of you uninitiated fag hags and bois :D) last friday was really fun. I forgot how much overt sexuality there is in gay culture. Point in case, during the 10 mins of the hard-body dance contest (which is sexual already), i think that all the males humped the ground for a few minutes, a few males humped each other, AND there was a strip tease. All this at your run-of-the-mill gay bar in WeHo.

Hot-t-t-t-damn though, there were some good-looking guys there! I forgot how good some people look::SokaVision::. There was a really tall hunk of a man there that I got to stare at for 5 minutes. The club was sparse at the beginning, but being packed in isn't the best thing either. But, after dancing for an an hour or so, I got tired and didn't want to do much more. By then, it was becoming packed.

It was heck-tic getting there though. Two people were on stupid soka-time, but one was expected, and the other, forgot to bring their ID. We also had to get gas, but we did that BEFORE the person realized they forgot their ID, so we had to go back for them to get their ID. So, we zoom onto the 5 Fwy(N). That was fun, we were scot-free until we reached the LA County Line. We hit traffic once we got into the LA county, then got to drive on city streets until we got near the club and parked. We thought we were late for the getting in w/o paying cover. However, some sweet talking got us in (thank you Mike).

It was nice to be able to see people, on the street, in bars, doing what people normally do; unlike here at Soka and in South OC, where people don't do much, or don't walk.

So, back to the dancing, it was fun. I bet u've heard that so many times now. It really was fun. Grind'n'bump with rather cute men. Aww, i get chilly thinking all about it. So, there's a lot of showing off of bodies going on. People drinking to loosen-up. and a bunch of younger folk, like us U students, there early to get in under cover. It starts with a few people on the dancefloor and it's mostly us. But, it gets more and more packed, and hotter and hotter as the night goes on. By 11h30, I think the place is what you'd start to call "packed". From 10h30 to 11h30, I danced...not really wanting to dance with anyone, but by the time we left, I decided that getting some random guy to wiggle near me wouldn't be a bad thing after all. hehe.

So, other than that it was an uneventful night. My friend had a good b'day party. It was hella foggy on the way back, though; we took the 10-110-405-5 and it was so foggy on the 405 from LB all the way back to Campus. I swear I couldn't see more than a 100m ahead on the 405 and hardly 50m ahead when I got nearer to campus.

Not that most people care...but...i just thought I'd include the bits of traffic commentary.

Procrastinating...procrastinating...nothing to do but procrastinate.

Bored in Calc class! What can I do...sit here and be repugnant.

So, last night, at like 11PM I learned that there were fires near some SD Culture Centers. Gave me a fright. It brought back memories of huge fires back in Colo, and the like. And the thought of loosing your house or even your place of worship, seems so big. As far as I know, now they are using at least 1 CC as a center for volunteers and a refuge for SGI members who lost their houses. As well as a donation center. So, it seems the danger has passed, for now.

Train - Calling All Angels...stuck in my head as a procrastinate

I procrastinate through the internet. tee hee hee, the irony of that statement is getting to me.

It's official.

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This is HELL WEEK #3!

I don't know how much longer I can take. We'll try another week. But I can already feel this car starting to spin away, out of control.

Oh, I'm doing _yet ANOTHER_ paper on Senor Eedeepus! Oedipus Rex time number 4 or something like that for a paper on him! Whoa!

The comparison I'm doing is on Oedipus and Ibsen's Ghosts. At least they're cool plays!

Yabai! (Argh!) Denver lost, but i guess, if it's like your 4th String QB, you can't expect much. But still los Broncos Lost!!! Yabai!

In other news, people have been causing too much stress for me!

Can I quit?
No, really can I?
Argh, I mean, life is so difficult, that's why.
What do you mean no, it's technically not possible???
Oh, I _signed_ a contract?
D'oh! yada yada yada, fine print, fine print! There's no escape clause or something?
Well, ha-rumpfh!
Ok, I'll go do my paper...this is getting tiring thinking of dialogue without another person.

Yum!

I just got home...from Rage. T'was so fun! I had fun!

Got to dance with some guys and that kinda stuff. T'was really fun. Plus there were quite a few cuties and I had fun dancing with them.

But, I'm so tired right now...i'm going to go to bed!

I'll write more to y'all l8r!

don'tfusion...
The chair is so cofmortable...in calculus.

Hmm...logic?

Can I explode now?
Can you see me now?

Does time go faster for those who are stressed?
Does time go slower when your having fun?
Does procrastination make time slower?

Does Mario 3 for Game Boy Advance have a cool commercial?
Bet on it!

Will heat kill someone?
Will I have to turn on the A/C yet again at 6AM tomorrow?

Can I have a calendar of the Stade (Paris) Rugby team?
Can I have a friend that I won't distrust, ever?

Ole ole ole!
You hear it first!

Teacher: Laoshi.
Xingqisi: Thursday.
Zhongwen: Stress!

Brain: merde
Work: merde
TV: merde
Hommes: merde
gens: pas de merde

J'aime les hommes de Stade France (Paris)...ils sont hott!

J'ai recu mon premier /Instinct/...je l'aime!

Je veux un homme, pas pour aimer mais pour baiser. Mais mon coeur et mon conscience ne me laisse pas le faire.

Comedy Central has the old Whose Line... yay!

European television is cool...their style is much more subtle and outspoken at the same time!

So, tonight, I went down to Laguna con mi hermana (mi chica) MB. She's come so far in the last 5 months. So far in the last year and a half. So far. And now is so brave and confident, compared to herself at the beginning of last year.

And yet...

I stand on the quay...waiting.
My mind says "go, start, walk NOW!"
My heart sits still.
Waiting.

I understand and believe, but
they're telling me believe and you'll understand.
What? Me?, I am logical, I am western.

"Believe and you'll understand"
"Seek and you'll understand"
"Believe."

The Buddha is in the mirror.
Le Buddha, on voit dans le mirroir.
El buddha está en el espejo.

Waiting, for something.
What?

Will the boat leave before I start?
No, but it feels like the beautiful ones are already there,
Am I holding up the boat?
No, but I think I am.

Kobe!

Hehe, D-fence! D-fence!

Ups follow downs. -Remember it.

Sometimes I wonder if I really have changed, on the inside. Where was I a year ago, a month ago, a week ago? Have I made steps since then? What steps am I taking now?

I can finally remember my reocurring dream themes...It's kinda like the movie Signs. There's aliens who inhabit planet Earth, and they're starting to pick people off. They can dig around underground to find people (like Tremors) and pop up to grab you and devour you.

So, not every dream is the same, but I've had this dream quite often and it's usually heart-pounding to whomever I am in the dream. Usually I'm in the 3rd-person in the dream, it's like I'm really engrossed in it at the movie theater and just can't pull my eyes away from it, and other times I'm in the 1st-person and I am actually the one being chased.

So, this last dream, "we" (i don't know the "we" in this group, but it's a group of friends) have established a way of communication with the aliens. It's like a game to them, learning how to get us. They're really smart and learn ways to capture humans. (Of course, coming up underneath them, opening a hole in the ground, and swallowing them up, is a pretty good idea, but since they have that and the added bonus that they can also come up over ground is scary too.) So, we've established a communication, or at least listening in, and someone is running around shoes on the wrong foot, to see what the reactions are of the alien. Doo, de, dooo.

And then it's dark, so we all head in, still maintaining a listening-in. People are doing the normal thing, since we know where the alien is...for some reason it's telling us or it just speaks as it moves...and we can "relax" people are generally fiestaing, even though the alien is just outside the house.

The house is a small one, like the one's you find in the older suburbs, a big lawn, smallish back yard, but small house, no 2nd floor or basement, a living room, bedroom, a bathroom, and a kitchen. Small.

It's still hunting, and we're acting like it's normal, people talking. I don't understand why people aren't more alert and afraid. People not being afraid are causing me to be fearful. (Control Freak in me coming out?) Then all of a sudden, when _____ is in the shower, the monster decides to attack and comes up in the shower. ____ runs away, monster goes back down into the ground, follows her to the place she ran, and pops up again. She runs from place to place barely escaping, but no one's helping her. ____ is...

Then I woke up. Stupid scraping outside going on.

Sigh...a lot of stuff to do...spanish is not killing me, but i could use a break from school, right NOW!

So after a full week's worth of activities I had about 3 hours last night to relax...and it was playing a mind-testing game...in other words...Scrabble!

So, basically this is now week 3.5 of no relaxation. I think that's the last time I went to the beach to relax...3.5 weeks ago. Now it's time again to do homework and I can't...there's just so much going on.

Hil and I just talked over MSN about problems with friends. It seems like she's having the same problems I had with WB last year during the summer. People not calling to tell you what's going on...and I guess it seems like she just needs the courage to talk. I'm happy that I was able to help her out...but this time, I wish I could actually call her and talk to her.

It would be the most ideal.

Now, for other stuff...Identity had a great week...
Tuesday...the dialogue was great.
Wednesday...the movie was warm...but sparsely attended, still good though.
Thursday...the lounge was wonderful...we had 75 by the time we finished and I 'came out' in front of people...publicly! That was cool.
Friday...OMG...this is now a freshmen thing to do the drag. The sound set-up sucked...dunno why...but it did...and so, we weren't able to have as much fun. But it was still hilarious to see how badly men can try to act as women. (not womem, mind you).

I feel like the Identity club is one that will grow this next year.

We're going to have a club dialouge meeting tomorrow (monday)...so let's hope people will come.

Identity: Dialouge a lot, play hard!

Other stuff...
Classes:
Spanish is getting tougher...i can't concentrate in it.
Lit is okay...i just got back my paper...a 9/20. Not bad for a first JPK paper...thank god it wasn't that bad.
AMEX is fun...but it killed me to go to the election place...i was out of it the night after the special election counting.
Calc is boring...i'm kinda not there, i can't concentrate.
Chinese is kicking my butt but in a good way...i'm learning stuff, at a pace that is probably insane for most people...and yet, somehow I still manage.
Work:
Just starting this last week...i feel like this is where i'm really flaking out. Hopefully it'll get better as soon as I find my groove.

Sleep...not enough, but still managing.
Exercise...what exercise? I need to get back on track with that.

Have you ever felt like you've been picked up by a tornado and you just can't find the ground?

Welll...that's been like my last 5 days or something. Friday...Classes...and oh my shit! Identity needs to do stuff for the Come Out! Week. Add to that the fact that EF is resistant to the week, for a reason I don't know why...something to do with heart-to-heart connections or other...and just a lot of stuff that I don't have the time to deal with just right now...I have to do the Coming Out Week stuff. Of course, we're going to try to improve, but we have an amazing schedule already set...we just need to have stuff plugged in.

At the same time, I'm doing the newspaper....which, right now isn't much, but it's still, like a lot. Eventhough I'm doing very little. Office hours.

Plus, there's regular schoolwork...I feel like the chinese monster is going to get me...just like in the movie "Dreamcatcher"...a big "chomp" and I'm gone.

Uhh....duh?

HAH! Denver isn't THAT prude...but when you speak of colorado...

25$ a week!

Must remember to pay parents insurance; and stop spending money!

I'm afraid to look at my bank account.

HoW do YOu SHoW CiRCLeneSs?

Michelle Branch - Are You Happy Now? (reminds me of Natalie Imbruglia's first CD).

Hunger! Breakfast, in a few...

Thomas paine's a pain.

God 2 papers, like 60 pages of reading at least, AND spanish vocab! The day after I have chinese vocab quiz...and calc. I think bloody hell will rain tonight and tomorrow!

Victorious Identity...victorious friends.

Identity is in need of serious communication reworkings. I think that the club needs to support itself and less the activites that it does. With that in mind, however, we need to organize the events for Come Out! week. It seems that the gods are out to get us...:P. However, ya know what, we won't let them get to us.

More planning and prep need to go into our activites, and less unilateral decision making.

Victorious friends...with faith.

Today I witnessed the mental breakdown of a person, though I have seen this b4, it is not something that for me had happened in public b4.

My only words of advice are to have faith in yourself (in the gohonzon, in whatever you so may choose) because so long as you have faith, you won't be detered by the problems of life (whatever you need will always be there) and you will have confidence that it will be so. Oh day-before-yesterday and yesterday's Daily Guidance are also really good.

I hope you are doing better ED. I'm here to listen.

Victorious self...with faith, practice, & study.

How do I increase my study. I've started re-reading the Discussions on Youth. It's a step. I went to the Sunday Discussion, that's another step. What else can I do? Advice ne1?

Denver Post Front Page Story...We all know Colorado is a mile high...we really do.

G'morning! I want Identity to be victorious this next week. We must.

Ed Stein's Denver Square 18 September 2003

Denver Square Comic

Hehe...I'm like the dad sometimes...ok so well A LOT!

Denver SquareColoradoPRIDE!

RockyMountainNews.com That is SOOOO me.

Smoke-free - News - coloradoan.com

Today was an interesting day...what can I say. I felt like I did a lot.

Finally, ED gave my the approval I needed...je parle. On parle. Parlons!

I did my OCPN stuff. Which was finally cool to get a lot of that stuff outta tha way.

There's 5 hours for last week. Another 5 hours or so this week and I think that I'll get all my OCPN stuff fixed. However, you know the way technology works, this website won't be anywhere in the next 7 days. (Angrily shakes his fist into outer space).

I had a Pearl meeting; more like I walked in on a Pearl meeting. Why does EF always have a worried look on her face at meetings, I noticed this night at the Sunday night Discussion too. It seems like she don't seem happy at meetings. However, happy outside of them. Then again, we were discussing heavy topix at both meetings tonight.

So back to the Pearl meeting (pearl = newspaper), we were discussing a topic of importance to the community, but whether it is our place to report on it. After the thing last year with McGiness and Balitzer...who probably wouldn't be here right now anyways...it's like we're stepping on eggshells to not be the thing that incites another "protest on the green."

Speaking of which, freshmen know a lot. I recant my statement about them needing to know more about what went on...they've already started asking themselves. However, the speaking in tongues thing, I still agree we should stop. There's already the tongues for SGI we don't need another tongues for the McGiness-email thingy. I don't want to hear about it, just like a lot of people; we've discussed the whole McGiness thing enough, but the freshmen do deserve to know...so that they know that it has worked and that the student body is vulnerable like that.

Back to the Pearl, yet again. We're probably not publishing in a week, though I'd like to. We don't have any meaty stories that we could publish. MB's Iraq Article, don't seem to be enough, we need more campus news and more "feature" kindsof stuff.

Boys...want one. But, don't really need one.

So, at the meeting on Friday I went to, MikeS asked a question about why it seems that our prayers take longer to be answered as adults than as children. It was agreed on that it's because you're more egotistical as an adult, trying to manipulate the gohonzon in to doing whatever it is you want. Scheming for your prayers, so that if this happens then this happens. That discussion led me to think about how and about what I pray. So, is it bad if you pray for things that end up going illogically? This is related to the one-liner above.

Is wanting a jock bad? or is that just who gets me off? No one in particular, though if you asked I could tell you a few that I wouldn't mind...(devil).

I pray for someone to love. But why? So that I can be happy. Ok, so then chant about being happy.

I pray to be happy so that attract someone I can love.

Is that the right way to chant? My mind says yes, but I can't tell what my heart says. My id says it's the first way; my ego...dunno...and my superego...is out shopping for new Prada clothes. Hence, what's the real way. How do I become happy, then, if I have to become happy to then become someone that's lovable and gets into the right situations to be loved.

I know it in my head, but not in my heart...I have practice, but that's it. How come I can't study and have faith? What is it that is limiting me? Myself?

Yah, probably. Why? How can I change it?

Strangely, I have the feeling that I don't want to really answer that question.

Then why that? Because I can't see myself as being happy? Is that why?

But that leads to bemoaning the past, where can I go differently?...I've been down that road already, it ends up where I keep on not wanting to end up. That's not beautiful...that's not living.

It's time to think and pray...

Je m'endormirai en quelques minutes...j3 v3ux pr4ct1qu3r l3 fr4nc4a1s. J3 t3 p4rl3 4 d3m31n...

Bonne nuit!

Good thing I was up by 11h00AM...beep beep beep. (RepeaT).

Time for a Pearl meeting. Ciao ciao ciao

Impalas crush Horizon, 45-21 - Sports - coloradoan.com

Happy Birthday Allison!

People, are hard to get. Deciphering people's actions, and the like...is difficult. Hopefully I am getting better at understanding people's heart. I think I am. But am I?

It's amazing that I live in a state that is holding a national, international 3-ring circus. Whoo hoo...

It's weird thinking that there could be a quake. There was a quake today in Japan, at the epicenter 8.0 but in the major city closest by it was a 4.0. Some notices of 7-foot tsunamis, but nothing major. Some damage, but nothing like anything that you would think when the word "earthquake" is said.

MOI!, je parle le francais. Mais bien sur. J'ai pris les classe de francais pendant 7 annees. Je ne peux pas oublier le francais. Mais, il nous (ou me) faut le practiquer. A bientot. Je me dormirai.

I box for CR we have gotten and if we can organize ourselves we shall send it to her. Sorry, so late! Happy belated Birthday CR. We miss you. Tu nous manque. (See ED I can write French!)

I want a boyfriend...a cute one...but a nice one too.

So, I guess I should update.

I think I'm in an OK place. Much stuff could be said, but I feel that I don't have anything really worth saying. I want to have someone to talk to. But, I don't know if I can find him. I want to have someone. Lust? Yet again. I remember what happened last time, and don't want to have that kinda stuff. Drahma, drahma, drahma, all on my part. I don't want to get sucked into feelings like that.

I don't know where I'm headed...I need to get back to doing my 30 mins a day of gongyo because I feel like I'm lost. God...sometimes tis so hard to stay focused.

I need to go to bed.

I need a reset. I'll write more when I feel more stable.

So, I guess I should update.

9/11 is a sad day for me. I don't know why. I don't know anyone directly who was killed in the WTC attacks. I know people who had family die, and that, but for some reason, 9/11 is just a sad day for me.

I guess my view of the world didn't stand the test of that day. I didn't think that America was such a bad place as people would kill innocent US citizens to get their points across.

I'm also sad because we've started two things now as Americans, and haven't cleaned them up properly. Afghanistan is still a backward country dealing with power-struggles as well as Iraq. It is forming a semblance of a better life, but it's distinctly American in flavour and taste.

Okay, so after the post-meeting glow...I wonder where do you find the drive to keep on going with that glow and not let it be forgotten? Waht can I do? Do you guys have any advice?

I want to change, but it's easy to slip back into your habitual lives and just ... just ... lose yourself in ... I know it sounds weird but ... yourself.

When I think about it. What am I looking for? What (AND who) will make me happy? What is it that I want to change and do I really want to change it? Those are the questions I am dealing with right now in my life...and I don't think I like the answers I'm recieving.

What's posted on my grease-board right now:
"Toi, si beau. Viens a moi. Tes levres et tes bras me carreseront. Ton sourire me feront heureux et content. Que tu viendras a moi." ("You, so beautiful. Come to me. Your lips and your arms will caress me. Your smile will make me happy and content. But, if you would only come to me.")

It's like I'm asking for a gift to be placed in my lap::albeit a beautiful, happy, and loving gift. What am I doing? This is not what I want! Come on ANDY...BE that which you know you can be...not the lazy ass you make yourself seem. BE the person you want to be and not the person you know you are. Change for the better.

Better yesterday than today, Better tomorrow than today.

Please, consider that I am happy where I am, I just know that I can do better.

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E: You know, if you don't confront the person...this problem will only persist. I think I know who you are talking about, and they may even know it. However, if you don't confront them...it will only be bad for all parties involved. Even if they deny that they are trying to do whatever you feel they are doing, it still doesn't change the fact that you feel that way and that they need to change their actions. Otherwise, we all end up frustrated and lost.

Hope your having a better night tonight than before!

You deserve to have a better one, I miss the happier Ellie. :P
---------------------
Pandy-name-giver...if you visit here:

Things are going okay. I mean, what could I expect...the worst...and it didn't happen. I did hope for the best, which was pflag-organizing, rainbow-flag-waving parents, but I guess that was hoping for too much from Asian parents. I do think that it will take my mom a long while to get used to this. Some of the things she says are too reminicient of right-winged bastard talk, and that scares me. It shouldn't but it does and gets me down. The last two weeks, though to some it may not have seemd like it, were really tough for me. I almost had a break-down on friday, just wanting to give up on life. However, I managed to deal with it, refreshed myself on friday night and saturday with my best friends here and got back on track on sunday. Now I just got this hole I dug to deal with. Hopefully I'll be better by the end of the week. Got plans to go to my first gay club, well a /real/ gay club on friday, and disneyland on saturday. I hope to have fun and not have to worry about depressing things. I miss you and ryan and the rest of thems peoples. Plus I miss being in certain places in FC: namely up on horsetooth trying to make fire, having the crap scared out of us by hick fishermen floating around at night trawling/fishing.
--------------------
Please keep all comments clean all y'all.

Peace, love, and (not chocolate milk but...) sanity.
--------------------
Andy (being a bad person, not going to bed early enough)

Okay, so for the Andy-hasn't-written-in-this-blog-for-nearly-two-weeks update.

Today has been a better day than the 24th of August. I saw that guy again and this time I wasn't afraid to go over and shake his hand, and talk to him. It seems that he's in LA interning at the SGIPlaza place. It sounds like a very cool thing; Shane is there, the guy from Denver and it seems that Shane and Eddie are both having a great time. It's such a nice thing to know people whom you have a connection with and to be able to meet up with them at SGI events.

Today (more like yesterday) was a great day. I woke up at 10h30 and made it to the WPIA / WCC by 13h05 so that we could attend the greatest meeting I've ever been to. It was the SoCal SGI-USA Youth General Meeting/national teleconference/YPG recital. It was amazing to say the least.

Everything today brought things back into focus for me. What is most important is my happiness. I can become happy as I am. Not as trying to be another person. That doesn't mean that I shouldn't try to become better physically, emotionally, etc.; I still have to grow, but it means that I can become happy in this lifetime by making myself grow.

If I don't try to grow, then what's the point of living life.

Thus, today, I have decided to try to stop doing certain things I know I do and start doing things that are good for me.
(1) Stop Limiting myself to certain people/groups/acts
(2) Stop Labeling people from my stereotypes
(3) Start Living
(4) Start Living to become happy
(5) Start writing Sensei.

This is just a short list of things I know I should start doing, but I know I need to start changing my life. Three months to the new year and I know that this is a long time, I can change my life. If I fail at changing my life, then I have at least gotten the process started.

If I've made efforts to start changing myself, then I can be happy. I will not let anyone, anything, or myself step in front of my true self and stop me from becoming happy. I change because I must. I feel as if I'm on the inside of a glass box looking out a lot of the times. I now want to step out of the glass box and see what's out there. I'm afraid of what is out there, "out there" is the unknown, which scares me a lot. However, the "out there," where I take responsibility, is freer than inside the glass box I think I live in now.

Have I lost my mind? Yes, perhaps, and if I have, then I know it's for the better. Do I exist as I once did, as a child. I hope not. It would be sad to see that I have not grown at all during the last 10 years of my life.

20 years fast approaches, I have 7 months to my birthday. Perchance I will see my parents for thanksgiving, but most definitely for christmas.

My mother is a cause for my sadness. Do you know the feeling when you can feel your heart? When you can feel the pit in your chest where your heart once lived, now dies. I know that it will take my parents a long time to understand, or at least my mother. But, my heart is so heavy and so shredded that I don't know if I'll ever be able to repair it. However, that doesn't preclude me from trying. I'm up for a challenge.

How did this happen? Why can't I focus on anything more than the fact that my mother can't come to see that I can become happy as I am. She knows this, but it seems she doesn't. Telling me to "come back to myself"...what "self" could she be talking about? The one where I was miserable and sad even more than it seems I am now? Where I was afraid of telling others my sexuality. Where I was ashamed of myself.

I still am a lot of these things, but I have had a burden lifted off of me and I can live and grow as I please and not shunt and shudder along the path of my life. Perhaps I'm a drah-ma queen, but if I am one, then I'm going to be the best god-damn one there is! got it?!?!?!

What I'm realzing is that I must become happy for my mother to be happy for me and to understand. I don't see any other way than doing that. However, it is hard for me to say and it is hard for me to fathom becoming happy. Happy like they say in the World Tribune, in the Living Buddhism. Yet, I know that it is the only way.

My soul and my heart say I can become happy, but my mind doubts. My mind is the cause of my evil. My conscious mind, my conservative mind. Why can I not become happy? What is the cause that I have no right to become happy?

I have the right to be happy and loved.

Perhaps my mother and father don't _really_ love me? Perhaps they're adopted parents; it would make it easier for me to rationalize it like that, but I know it ain't true.

On Friday I was ready to give up and just say to hell with it. I felt as if I was trembling on the edge of the cliff ready to tumble down into the dark abyss of depression and self-hatred. Somehow, I came to my senses and managed to stop myself from going over. I worked out and friday night I just chilled. Saturday I went to the WCC and was refreshed spiritually. I already kinda feel my weariness back again, but I still remember the energy I left the WCC with. I know that I was truly happy there and then, no worries, knowing fully that I can become the happiest person in the world through my practice. Through my life, my happiness I could show the world how this buddhist practice works. I can show that I am happy and that I had the right to be happy.

Sensei will come to the US in the next year. I will make sure, with my life, that Sensei will come.

Today was a momentous day and I was there to experience it. If I don't work on myself and make myself to become a better person because of this, I will have wasted the efforts of the Byakuren, the Soka Group, and the Gajokai Group to have this meeting, I will have wasted the time and effort that people made into coming to these meetings and I will have wasted the time I spent at this meeting.

Thank you for all those who were apart of today's 5 September meeting at WCC and the performers. I felt that we were all the 12000 spirits of the SGi-USA who listened in to and viewed the teleconference.

ya shoshla s uma?

It's been a while since I've writtne.

Perhaps because I've been busy, perhaps because I've been afraid of letting myself talk about myself.

I just wanted to say that I'm not dead, like usual, I'm really busy and don't have the energy or time to keep up with the blog.

I'll write more soon, I've remembered that I have this thing.

For those who are out and about in the rest of the world, hope all is well!

Doing your prayers can be hazardous to your ego.

I realized, or should I say, I deeply realized how much I label myself and others.

I mean, it's okay to discriminate between things that are good and bad to you. It's okay to show the difference; however, to let it limit you from doing certain things is something that shouldn't happen.

Tonight, I saw someone whom I haven't seen in a long time.

This was a guy that I knew okay, from my childhood. We grew up in the SGI together as the crying babies in the back of the Culture Center during all meetings. Either that or rugrats. I mean my family and I have even visited their house after they moved from Colorado. However, I was too afraid of going up to him and just to say "Hi, how are you? You're Eddie, right?"

Why? The most important question to ask.

Why was I so afraid. Because of who he is. He's quite the hunk. Football player, and I heard that he was real good too. I'm intimidated by those kind of people usually. I even know that he's not the typical football player too, more caring, or so I remember the last time I went to TX.

Same thing with a lot of people. Some people I know I just don't like. However, I know that I could at least be friendly towards them and be a lot nicer. But I'm not. I don't even extend the courtesy to a lot of people of saying "Hi, (insert person's name here), How are ya?" I truly do want to know how they are feeling and if they are okay. I just won't let myself do it because _they_ are on the "other side". (E.g. certain people, DaWit, PaNo, MiKe, AnCo, DaMe, AmNe, etc.) I feel like I am discriminating against 'straight' folk alot. I don't have a single straight male friend here, well one person and that's because he's a critical thinker. Other males, I do have acquaintance with them and may even enjoy their company, but wouldn't call them a deep friend like I would the Girls.

However, I draw lines in the sand all around me. I cannot associate with a person on the other side of the line. I felt when I was doing gongyo that my world was so small and that I limit whom I can talk with and what I can do with people, that I felt sad for myself.

However, this is not the way I want to live my life. I can change this. I can break down the walls I create myself. And I'm the only one who can do it. It'll help if others are as willing to break down walls I have helped create, but it takes two to tango. I won't worry. I will change. I can do it now. I will continue to change myself, today, tomorrow, and the day after. I will become a better person. I won't stop until my life shines brighter than the sun, the moon, and the stars combined. I must, because to not do so, is to fall backwards into depression, lazyness, and comfortability.

I will change because I must.

It's been a trying night, I'm going to chant to think about what I can do...and talk to a few people, friends, online that I know will be able to help me out. g'night.

I wrote a note this morning to my mother and father. I am now officially 'out' to them as a gay man. I don't know how strong I'm sure about my sexuality, but at least now they know. I guess perhaps it might have left the door open to me to say I'm not really gay because it seems that's the way my mother and father are taking it.

I think that I didn't communicate myself clearly enough to them to make them understand how I feel.

I also just spoke to my mother for the 21 longest minutes of my life. I would have to say that my mom is taking this kinda how I thought she would. There were no "hoorays" or anything like that, which was kinda disheartening. Perhaps it was my tone in my message, I'm thinking it seemed like I wasn't sure enough about myself.

I sensed that my mom has a bit of denial about this. I don't know. I was ready for anything and perhaps I wasn't ready for the fact that it sounded like she was more hoping that I wasn't gay at all, but still seemed like it was ok to be gay. It seems so confusing. Perhaps because I expected the worst, a "far-right" response, and actually got something in the middle, that I'm kinda weirded by this. I guess I wasn't really hoping for the best.

Meh. I say that I know myself quite well, I just don't know what to do now that I know. Where can I go from here? That's really the question I have and I told my mom that quite often. Maybe I didn't get it through and was too morose or something or too excited to actually tell them how I really felt, so it didn't come across well.

One thing that irked me was that my mother asked "whom have you told of this /feeling/?". I guess it makes it feel that it's something they want to hide from other people. When right now all I really need is a big hug that says "Andy we love you and don't care that you're gay."

Perhaps I'm expecting too much all at once from them. But, what can I do for my parents right now?

I don't know...get them to a PFLAG meeting? Get them some books? I think that's what I'll try to do. At least I hope I can help them along somehow.

I'm back at school. Weird to have those new students here. I'll write more when I get the chance.

I leave for Cali tomorrow at about 8AM. I'm excited.

Stops in Las Vegas and probably St George UT and Grand Junction CO in between.

I'll write in my bloggie probably once I get on campus!

See y'all there!

No sé como haz hecho pero al final
En mi corazón está grabado tu nombre
Tan grande
Pasa el tiempo y voy queriéndote más
En toda esta pasión se esconde tu nombre
Tu nombre
-Nek, "tu nombre"

(I don't know how you've done it but at the end
Your name is written
So large
Time goes by and I will love you more
in all this passion your name is hidden
Your name...)

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Excitations!
New SUA days ahead!
Next 140 Days

Danse avec moi!...
C'est un rêve
Je veux te sentir...près de moi...
J'ai envie de toi...
Danse avec moi!


(Dance with me!
It's a dream
I want to feel you...near me...
I need you...
Dance with me!)

Where do you go? Where did you come from?
The night slowly envelops your body.
As soon as you appeared you left.
A flash in the pan.
A shot in the dark.

Green you are today.
Tomorrow, withered away.
Yet, a night from now
You will be born again.
A momentary lust in my mind.

Perchance you shall be found
The day after instead.
A lover, not a lust.
A package, not a thread.
Complete, not a piece.

Live. Breathe. Life. Love.

Field hockey tomorrow. Last one, I assume, for the rest of this school year, with my best friends here in CO.

I wish them all luck and the best, perhaps it will be good tomorrow.

Perhaps I need to look at life in a different way. Am I so far set in my mind that I can't see otherwise?

I feel like an abused cat:
-While it may look like I'm all there, I'm usually freaking out.
-While I'm quiet, usually that's just me being afraid.
-Quizically, I may be quiet and possibly confident-looking, I am afraid, constantly. Of what I don't know.
-In addition, the thought of me being in a kitten like state, gives me the warm fuzzies. :P

To keep me from going insane, at least I have a sense of humor. Dry, though it may be, I still have yet to lose it.

Perchance everyone is crazy and feels like an abused cat. Then, at least we're all on the same page.

Possibly, we could eventually all find our 'other half'. Too bad I wouldn't speak up to him even if he was the most gorgeous person in the world, or even, the most ugly person in the world.

WHY can I not find other gay guys that I'd like? "Straight-acting" gays can be "out and proud" too.

Too bad to be straight-acting means you also have to be more discreet.

Possibly those boards work, possibly those online matchmakers do too. I don't care, well I do, but summer has slipped through my fingers and is draining away. Maybe when I get back to school.

Why does it matter that I'm gay? Why do I fear to be named as such? I'm gay; I'm also not a pedophile, rapist, or a pervert. (Though, all men are perverts, compared to women).

Will I ever...fall in love? come-out to my parents? live a life? dream? lust? crave? have something that drives me?

I am a leaf floating on the surface of the pond. No control. Just breezes taking me away, and back again.

I can change this. Poison into medicine. Nam-myoho-renge-kyo.

nen ne...

//Sight:BloggerPage
//Hearing:The fan in my window
//Taste:D.P.Dough Calzone
//Smell:Fresh Colorado Air
//Touch:Keyboard
//Feeling:satisfied...anxious...nervous

//BlogThis!//
//Vacations//
Came home today...or yesterday...whatever you want to call it.

The mountains were fun. I did a lot of things up there. The condo we stayed in was nice and we all got to eat fresh-cooked food straight from the stove. So, I do have to say I had fun.

The best part was that we were so far up in the mountains that the heat was at most 85F/30C, and at night, a very cool and crisp 45F/8C. It was so nice to be able to have fun up there. We went hiking, mountain biking (a major workout, btw), and funning up in the Park (Winter Park).

Too bad we couldn't stay up there much longer. I would have liked to stay for another day or two.

I had the most fun with the mountain biking. I would definitely say that it was the most difficult also. I can see why mountain bikers are so muscular. It takes a lot of leg strength and arm strength, along with that mid-body strength, to be able to get your bike to hop around rocks and all that. It was fun though. I had a great time flying down the mountain(s) once I was used to it. I'm sure by the time my brother and I got down into Fraser from our mini-loop, we were flyind down the last hill at like 40 or 50 mph (60-80 kph). I do have to say the aluminum (7005) bikes that we had, were a blast to ride. There was a slight tilt from the bike shop to Fraser and we didn't have to pedal much to get the bikes going. Once they went, they kept on going. Very cool.

Hiking was fun. But it was MOTS so, not as exciting as the other stuff.

Winter Park (the resort) was cool. The Alpine Slide was very cool. It's a big huge sled like contraption that you get on and slide down big huge gutter-like concrete pads. It was quite interesting. I do have to say that some people were being buttholes and cutting, but it didn't bother me too much. I had to get used to the Alpine Slide at first, but after the first time down, I was hooked. We also tried a Maze, from A'maz'n Mazes, and I was able to halve my time from my first and second time. The best time was two minutes though, that is amazing. I walked all the way through and got only 5 minutes. We also played a round of mini-golf. T'was fun.
>>Boys/Bois alert>>Several cuties at Winter Park...of course the congregating thrill seekers, family vacationers, and the mountain bikers led to a nice day boy watching...

We pretty much took everything at a relaxing pace. My dad and mom made sure that we were back to FC refreshed.

We took the 36 back from Granby/Grand Lake and came up the back side of RMNP. It was much more forest-like than the other side. It was much more interesting, to watch and drive through than the eastern side. So I'm glad we took the scenic route back home.

//Hockey//
The U-19 Women's team did ok at the Rocky Mountain State Games; they placed 5th of 6th, which is a good showing considering, that the PSD Fire isn't the best team, and that they practiced just a few times together.

The CoEd Adults team did pretty well also, I hear. They were able to score on the Denver team more than (they think) any of the other teams, so by the individual standards, it seemed they did well. I don't remember how they placed though. I think better than the U-19 team.

//Love//
What is love? What is lust?
What do I want? Whom do I want?
How do I want it?
Can't I just have a guy to hold on to?
Like I say, blue eyes get me.
They shine, they glisten.
Focused, they stare into the soul.
Whiteys get me.
They also shine, they also glisten.

Why do they have to be straight?

Why can't they be gay?

When will I find my guy?

Do I really have to wait that long?

Damn. That sux.

Go! Talk to one of them. You never know.

//SUA//
Perhaps I should pack. Maybe, maybe not. I should. Will I do it tomorrow?

//Social Life//
Party tomorrow. Hope to see some people there.

G'night.

//Sight:BloggerPage
//Hearing:Open House Party-KSME 96.1 & E-leven-KTCL 93.3
//Taste:Toothpaste
//Smell:Fresh Colorado Air
//Touch:Keyboard
//Feeling:Content>>tired-sick

//BlogThis!//
Ok, so eventually i would have gotten to writing in this thang again.

My life is going ok. I had my last day of work. It was a nice job, I intend on working there again next summer.

T'was bittersweet. I'm going to miss almost all the people there. I'm pretty sure I won't ever see any of these people on a consistent basis, like when working there, but I still wish them the best and that we meet again. I will miss the hispano hablantes the most. They were the hardest working people that I met. That made my job easier, and yet still inspired me to work harder.

Too bad I couldn't be out to them. Too bad I can't be fully out to myself. Too bad I won't let myself be an 'out' man.

I'm a scared boy.

//Life//
I work tomorrow...as fukudoshi for the KRG down at the DCC. Hopefully it'll all be cool. I'm feeling crappy at the moment, so I'm ready to go to bed real quick.

//SUA//
_The_ return will be soon. I'm ready to experience my life at SUA again. I have a car! I will have a car there! Plus!

//Hockey//
Went down to the Springs yesterday to watch the FC U-19 Rocky Mountain State Games Field Hockey team. They played pretty damn good for practicing for about 2 weeks, at most. Today was their last day and I don't know how they did. They are a good team. I just hope that they played like a good team does. The co-ed adult team plays tomorrow. I'm wishing them all my luck. I'm also going to pray for their safety/health for the whole adult league tomorrow.

//vacations//
I will be on vacation from the 4th through the 7th. Not sure if I'll have internet access to blog or not. So don't expect that I'll be able to blog much. I can't believe the summer is almost over!

//top 10//
...vacation spots

(1) Venice (Venzia), Italy
(2) Florence (Firenze), Italy
(3) San Francisco, California, USA
(4) Zushi-shi, Kanagawa-ken, Japan
(5) Sapporo, Hokkaido, Japan
(6) Home
(7) Southern California, USA
(8) Chicago, Illinois, USA
(9) Portland, Oregon, USA
(10) Rocky Mountain National Park, Colorado, USA

//g'night//
//ideas for...//
The Pearl:
::A "List"
::3-column
::Features from abroad
::Continue Nathan?
::Start writing ASAP

I'm tired, but I had a Coke right before I went to bed. My bad. Definitely a mistake.

Plus there's thunder-a-rollin' and flashes of lightning that interrupt my way off to sleep.

So, I guess I shal blog for a bit. :D

//Blog begin//

Start. Here. Now.

Life is boring. Life is fun. Life is ... well ... life. It has its boring parts: sitting at a car wash, waiting to wash cars. It has its interesting parts: a guy at work gives a girl he has had a crush on for 3 years flowers and she is shocked (dumbfounded).

Life is ...

Love is...

Love is complicated. Love is something I don't allow myself to feel or to give. I feel love, I push it away. I want love; yet, I search for it in all the wrong places. Love is something that I _cannot_ have with a straight man. (If he's truly straight.)

Blue eyes just _get_ me. Too bad I find blue eyes on straight men to be delicacies. :P

Love is so complex, lust is so simple. Is lust what I want, need, crave?

Yes probably that's it.

I just want a body there to hold on to.

So why do I set standards so high? For the mind, for the soul, for the body?

Do I really want to love? to lust? Or is it something else I want?

What is going on here? Do I know? Do I really care?

Ok, so I'm just gonna assume that it'll be a week (while I'm working) that I update this thingy. Though, I only work for a week more.

//Life//
Life has been life. Here's my sched':

Monday-Work & Frisbee
Tuesday-Work & Hockey
Wednesday-Work & ? (usually sleep)
Thursday-Work & Hockey/SGI Meeting
Friday-Work & ?
Saturday-Work or Hockey
Sunday-Usually a rest day

I do say, I usually only work 5 days a week, so somewhere in there I don't work for a day and am able to 'break' from work.

This week I will be working Sunday (today) through Wednesday, and Saturday. Saturday is my projected last day of work.

Ok, so now the technical stuff is over...I can focus on the selfish 'me, me, me' parts.

//weird dream(s)//
Right before I awoke to start blogging.

Involves my brother. At a Kosen Rufu Gongyo (monthly buddhist prayer meeting), preparing for a skit or something of the sort.

He goes to the bathroom to put on his costume. Of course, it's a rabbit costume. Socks and whiteness abound.

I go out to the parking lot in front of my work place (a car wash), a Subway, and a Bagel shop. Where there are no people at all, maybe me and a couple of other SGI people. There is a huge space for performers and we can barely see anything. We all hear that my brother and his friends are coming on stage and that they will be doing some sort of dance. Whereafter, people behind me, whom I cannot see, start clapping cheering and the general "whoohoo"s start. Then my brothers and his friends (I think Matt, Ken, and some other people) come out of the doors of my work place's waiting area and start kicking and high-fiving and doing some amazing weird stuff. Of course they're all dressed in some sort of animal costumes, and there's general hilarity. I, however, am mortified. I'm scared as shit for my brother. The general chaos-hilarity is now starting to die down and as it does I become more afraid for my brother. Soon there's no cheering or clapping. Just my brother and his friends making clowns out of themselves before a crowd.

I don't know what this dream means, but I do have some clues.
(1) My brother has changed a lot since I moved to Cali. For better or worse he has more confidence (or "confidence").
(2) I still think that my brother's self-image is kinda screwed-up (in the anorexic/bullemic kinda way of being screwed-up). Though I don't know if he has either anorexia or bullemia. I doubt it, he eats a lot. It's more of the perfect body search.
(3) My brother and one of his bandmates (Ken) played at a KRG last month. They did well, but up until then I had a very bad vibe about the meeting. It ended fine, but still, the first few people/performances were kinda "meh" to what I'm used to being a KRG.
(4) I work with one of my brother's "friends"--I don't know how close the two are--and she seems more like the person who would influence my brother in (what I think) is a self-destructive behaviour towards his own body.
(5) At work, I think that I work with a lot of people that need some new-found belief system.
(6) I'm afraid at work to come-out, be myself, or be buddhist.

//feelings//
At the moment, I feel "unloved". I need physical contact with another being. Not just hugging, not just the daily stuff that you can do with a friend. I want someone else that'll listen to my bullshit, help me along with it, who'll give my physical contact in the way that only lovers can hold each other or touch each other. But yet, I am deathly afraid to come-out to my parents and my family about the real me. Or at least a part of the real me. The parts that I've found. Who knows. I feel unloved. I crave attention and love. Yet, I'm afraid to deal with the issues I have that separate me from a major source of love in my circle of living beings.

Who knows. I feel fucked-up at the moment. Not a good state to be in. Especially after doing 30 minutes of chanting. I should feel more energized or something, at least I should feel better.

I feel my world is collapsing down around me. OR that my world is slowly contracting. I feel that I'm becoming more and more self-centered. Maybe that's what this summer has been about for me. Me. a thoughtperchance that's what my life was like before I went to soka? I didn't have to worry 'bout my gayness and other things I 'had' to hide. But now that I'm back, I feel that my world is very small, consisting of only my family, co-workers, and my small group of friends here.

//friends//
I just wanted to thank my friends in colorado and out at SUA who deal with my bullshit, my lies, and my overwhelming sense of mental dramatization. I thank you. You guys mean much to me. I feel must I have the best of luck and fortune to find such friends.

I try to pray for y'all, but since school is out, and I don't know what's happening in many of your lives at the moment, I haven't been able to do any focused prayers for y'all. That's more my fault.

I'm sure there's something I can do to expand my life here and now. I'm sure I've heard soemthing in the last few weeks that I could focus on, but I haven't. Sigh.

//goals//
Update on my goals. Those things in the left corner.
All of those three goals have gone to crap in the last week. Gongyo>> I have been doing morning and night, for the most part, every day through the summer; however, I don't think I have done a full hour of chanting for about two weeks. Tonight I did 30 minutes chanting, and this morning I think I did 15, so I'm getting back on track. Life would be a lot easier, I bet, if I had a consistent practice and kept challenging myself in it. Readings>> heh heh heh. None at all really. And don't even get me to introduction>> just once during this summer have I really talked to anyone about buddhism.

//sport//
Field hockey. I hate playing on grass. I feel that once the group decided to use Harris on Thursdays, my playing has gone up. However, my playing on grass has gone to crap. Ugh.

Oh well, except for that one complaint. I do have to say that I'm so glad to be playing field hockey again. It's something that gets me out of the house and actually doing something productive. Body work, yay!

//gnight//